K4D Rising #4

[jon2911]

Kevin,
Just caught up on your thread. You really have active, emotional threads, it's hard to keep up with! Good stuff here though.

I want to respond to your tension comment. Really start expecting that. It happens to me every time I go to spend time with my wife. There's definitely a spiritual element to it, you are under attack. On a practical level, there's just so much emotional baggage going on, so much has happened, but you still care deeply about each other. That she said that to your daughter is huge.

Don't worry about OM. I've been through a few myself, and I like to hear you say what a loser and idiot he is. You need to say that, and believe it. She's an idiot for choosing anyone else besides the committed husband she already has. She needs to find that out for herself. The covenant talk, man, I understand it, but that means nothing to her now. She has to want to be with you. I mean, really, do you want her to just honor a covenant without her heart in it? No, you don't. Lots of Christian wives do that, and it's sad. I honestly think more should leave to get their husband's attention. Not divorce, but let him realize what being alone is like for a little while.

Right now, she has a picture in her head that you caused all her problems, and the OM will make her happy. When she berates you, she's looking for validation. When you throw it back, it confirms what she already thinks and validates her decision. Every time you listen and don't react, it will catch her by surprise. There will be a time to draw the line, but affirm and validate a whole lot first. Trust me, it works.

Hang in there man, there are lots of little positives in your sitch. I know it's hard to see. Stay faithful. One thing we're all learning here is that you can't make someone love you, you can't make them change. Your W will have to choose you again, choose to go through all the pain of bringing up the past and working on it. That's a tough decision, but every time you have contact with her and it goes well it helps her to make it.