Good morning! is anyone awake yet?
Last night H called me right when i left work. (he was calling to tell me that he had run some errands after work-for a while there, he wouldn't call and just left me hanging. This is good!! +++) For the evening, I suggested a winery that we haven't been to, but he wasn't thrilled. I then suggested playing pool or seeing a band. He wasn't sure, we chatted briefly, and I said I'd see him soon.

I got home, we talked some more, I was feeling insecure, tried to joke around with him some, kinda feeling amorous (or just wanting reassurance??). He didn't respond to my pursuits (nothing major), but then i felt worse. we decided to go to dinner and find a band. I took a shower, laid on the bed. (I had made a pact w/Loved One to act as if all weekend, but i just couldn't do it.-but it turned out OK!). he came in and asked if i was ok. i say yes as tears start to well. He tells me i'm not a good liar. so i say that i have a lot on my mind w/work crap and that i don't know where things are going with us. he says that things have been going well & we've been getting along. I say, yeah, getting along (like that's IT). He said, well, that's a start. I say he is right. i say that it seems like we were getting better and that i didn't know if it was my imagination, but that i thought he got distant. He said he didn't feel that way and just that he was busy. OH! I also said, i thought we were going to do something together for your vaca days. He said that he thought that i said that i asked for Xmas week off myself! I had just mentioned xmas eve. Misunderstanding!! I was ASSuming AGAIN and I ASSumed the worst (like usual). I told him i didn't know what my boss would let me have since 2 others are already off for xmas week and he is being an a@@. so, h said that if i couldn't get off and i wanted him to, he would switch vaca days!!!

i ask for hugs, then i start to . i feel kinda funky still, wondering if i should be initiating. I was feeling better when i wasn't worrying about sex and just getting along and letting it happen.

we finally get ready to go to dinner and it's almost 10! I was on an un-db'ing roll, and i asked why he didn't put gel in his hair or cologne for me. He said that his hair has to be totally dry to put gel in or it gets funky and that he figured he still had time to put cologne on (guess he always does wait for the last min.). OOHHH.... he didn't get mad at me...boy, i'm really testing the waters...

dinner is fine, i spill my guts about work, h is very supportive and, gosh, i just love him...
i hardly ate 3 bites of my dinner! we go to see a band. it's ok. i finish my drink, he asks what i want to do. i say i don't want to drink anymore. he says i can feed him ice cream, i say ok, then you spoon me, ok, we go home, and joke some. he head butted me and i said that i don't understand why people do that when they fight b/c it hurts the inflictor too. he says some people have thicker heads and he gives me a look. i say, WHO ME???

i say how? i make a couple guesses. he says b/c i am resistant to some ideas. i say work? he says no? i say, OH, you mean like believing that you love me??? he says, "yeah, and that i'm not going anywhere..." i smile and give him a nice hug... he wuvs me! **sniff**sniff**happy tears.

this morn. he asks what i want to do transportation-wise and we talk $$ and he's going to help me get organized/figure things out. he will fix one of his cars for me if i want it and keep my share of income tax-he says he doesnt' want payments from me. i tell him about my interest rates and he is exasperated. i say, oh, now that i've been married to you, my credit is MUCH better. (true!) so, now maybe I can get a card w/0% and transfer balances, etc...

i ask what he wants me to do around the house today. (i've never asked him that!) and he asks me to do a couple things. ok, i can do that!

ok, i'm babbling, but i guess i'm just trying to give a clear pic. of our interactions for any input/suggestions. i still am feeling somewhat "needy", ok, a lot "needy" but i don't want to push him away. I realize that when i feel distance b/t us, that it is generally ME and my irrational thoughts/hostility and not him.

+++all in all, things is good!!!+++
thanks for coming by. ttys!
kharvey