If this is a hard boundary for you, no need to discuss. Decide.
I am finding this so incredibly difficult to do. If I enforce this, he is almost surely gone. Fear is still in control- I am trying hard to let it go. Still have a ways to go, obviously.
Understandable. Bad habits are hard to break. But until you do he will not take you seriously. He may never. Who knows.
Just figure out what you need and want like we asked from the very begining. That is why it is so critical to detach from the person that is hurting you so you can make non-emotional decisions on what is best for YOU. Stop worrying about what your H thinks. What if he is screwed up or suffers from a personality disorder? Your decision would be based on delusions versus reality. Think about what your baseline is. What are your NUTS?
I think that it is veryimportant for you to discuss this topic with the C. It maybe why your walls are stillup. Your H knows that you want to discuss this topic even if you haven't told him outright yet. That may be why he will just let the C decide where to take the discussions. He dosn't want the C to discuss this topic I am sure.
When you bring it up to the C, don't hold back. Let all lyour fears, worries, emotions, and such come out. Let the real bunny out of her cage. You have been held back by fear for too long.
Good luck in C, I will be waiting to hear what happens.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Has he brainwashed you with guilt and manipulation for so long that you don't even think you deserve that type of R?
You know, that just might be the case. I keep circling around to that mentally and emotionally, wondering why I can't just get with the program. I try but I just can't get it, and I keep thinking something is wrong with me. I hear H's voice- "But if we agree it's OK, then there's no problem." (Does not compute, Does not compute, Does not compute...) And instead of telling him firmly I want out, I'm trying to get him to let me off the hook. It's the passive-aggressive approach, right?
I'm off to the MC now, so Talk to you later- Bunny
He is a master at manipulating you. And I am afraid he may do the same with the C, if the C isn't watching for it. Please be careful.
In my opinion, just the fact that you have expressed doubts about that "lifestyle" should be enough for him to say it's out. To hold it over your head is unacceptable.
We didn't get around to the lifestyle topic, but that's OK, tonight was productive. I'll table that topic for another session. Believe me, I'm not letting that go, not by a long shot! The C wanted to talk about the Love Languages tonight. I was one up on H with that topic since I've been hanging around here. I have managed to learn a few things- I've been paying attention!
Anyways- this was a topic that I had given considerable thought to the last couple months. I knew I was heavy on words of affirmation, along with some quality time. I had H figured for acts of service and physical touch. He concurred with me on my assessments of each of us.
So we proceeded to discuss the love languages. While H was somewhat dissatisfied about my acts of service (he said if I was more confident, those acts of service would be more prominent), I was feeling the lack of affirmations far more keenly. H admitted he couldn't remember the last time he said "I love you" to me. That was one of those things that just go without saying. I used to say ILY to H but now I'm not comfortable doing so. I said it until our troubles 7 years ago, and then stopped because I didn't want to put pressure on him. (How's that- I figured that out on my own a long time ago!) I never resumed because I wasn't sure how he felt and if it would still be considered pressure.
H also admitted to being deliberately stingy with affirmations because he didn't want me to have "false confidence"- meaning he didn't want me becoming over-confident. The C pointed out that plan seemed to backfire because I mostly heard negatives as a result, and thus became less and less confident.
I remember having a similar convo with H in the past regarding affirmations, maybe even twice. Those times H was very dismissive of the topic, since those things that go without saying, and also claiming he shouldn't have to give affirmations because I shouldn't need them. I shouldn't count on others for validation; i should be able to self-validate.
It remains to be seen if he took the conversation more to heart tonight since the C was leading instead of just taking my word for it. We go back a week from Thursday.
H also admitted to being deliberately stingy with affirmations because he didn't want me to have "false confidence"- meaning he didn't want me becoming over-confident.
Abuser-speak.
What happened to YOUR agenda?
Refresh my memory, if you will. Does this C. know about the hx of swinging-under-pressure? If not, s/he cannot possibly do his or her job properly, and you're just spinning your wheels and wasting time/money. IMHO.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
You are in a lifestyle that is risky, unhealthy, vomit-inducing, and demoralizing. And your C has you guys tap-dancing around, talking about "Love Languages???!!!"
Does this C. know about the hx of swinging-under-pressure? If not, s/he cannot possibly do his or her job properly, and you're just spinning your wheels and wasting time/money
I told him at our first session. We really haven't said much about it other than H not being able to give me a guarantee about not wanting to resume in the future. H isn't hanging this over my head, he doesn't say much about it- I'm doing that to myself since there's no definite resolution and that upsets me.
