I don't know if I could say that I will leave if the sex never improves. He is reading a book ( he actually says he is reading it a second time) to help so there is some effort there. If I say that I'd leave that would put pressure on him and he will shut down unconsciously, I believe.
Unfortunately, after a near-20 year SSM and more than five years on the SSM forum here (as well as one other related to mismatched libidos), I've never seen anything OTHER than communicating that IT IS A DEALBREAKER, work. It's always been either walking, or the credible THREAT of walking, that gets them off of the dime.
That one mantra has probably served me more than any other in life. In my personal relationships, work relationships, dealing with my kids -- everything.
It's easy in hindsight to think, "Well, hell, why didn't I just *speak up years earlier*?????"
But if you're hearing things like, "Oh, well guess I'm just crap in bed too, then, sorry I'm such a disappointment to you etc etc etc" ... the effect is not inconsiderable. People who DO love their mates and don't have enough life experience to see that kind of pushback for what it is tend to take it at face value and stop pushing their own agenda because they don't want to feel responsible for/intensify their partner's self-doubt and self-loathing. Stalemate.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I believe that those very important differences between men and women have a significant impact when it comes to being the LD spouse in a SSM. Women just desire to be loved, but men desire to first be respected, because it is through respect from their spouse that men feel loved. So a woman feels love simply through being loved by her man, but a man feels loved first and foremost through the respect he receives from his woman. In fact most men would rather be shown respect before being shown love if they had to choose.
Therfore if the man is LD, then perhaps the biggest hurdle to improving the situation is his self worth. Unlike a woman, there is not so much of a stigma for being LD as it is for a man. So he's already got that against him. And if he even so much as suspects that his mate thinks less of him (which would be hard to fathom why he wouldn't think so), then it will lead him to believe she does not truly value him or love him as much as he really desires or needs.
Perhaps your H, Becca, is suffering greatly from feelings of inadequacies -- inadequacies all the more glaring because you unconsciously telegraph your disproval of him.
I really hope through C'ing each of you can work through this. It's really going to take a lot of patience and lots of real, selfless love. Baby steps. Baby steps.
How I wish that respect was really the primary thing for guys to know they are loved. My ex thought only through sex was I showing him love. Too bad he made it so terrible to get to. So what is your husband's love language?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Pup- I don't think I'm going to need to threat to walk, but I will if it is what it takes to make things happen. And, I, like Nocode said, spoke the truth in love.
Kett- What you said about not wanting to feel responsible for intensifying my h's self-doubt is spot on.
Nocode- I think that's a good reminder.....keep working on helping my h feel respected and allow him to build his self worth. My life is one big succession of baby steps....I'll keep walking. Please don't use my name in the posts, Nocode.
Kat- My H and I both read the Love Language book way before the A. I honestly can't remember what we found out. Time to revisit that. I do know that he likes to SHOW love by doing things for me, and that is great, but I don't feel it from him doing that very much.
Well, to sum it all up, you all were right and I was wrong. Just reminds me of my need to come on here and get advice.
The conversation went something like this:
"I have something to tell you before we go and watch TV."
He looks at me. "That guy that I was seeing called me and sent me an email. I wanted you to know so that you would know that I wasn't hiding anything from you."
He lays down, looks at me and smiles (!!!!!yes, smiles!!!!). I say, "I was caught off guard with the phone call, and he talked fast and got off the line fast. I didn't respond to the email."
He says, "He was putting his feelers out. He said what he did in hopes you would stop him." I said, "I told him that I was happy and doing well."
He asks, "When was this?"
I answer, "Honestly, it was awhile ago, I'm not sure exactly when, and I was considering not telling you."
"Why?" he said.
"Because I was afraid this would mess with your head even more than now and that would just put us back even more with sex and everything."
He said, "No, what's in my head about him will just always be there, this isn't going to do anything. I want you to tell me. Hiding it is a "red flag". You telling me is a trust thing." (Yeah, yeah, what you guys all said!)
"I'm glad I told you."
"Me, too."
"I also remembered how you told me that your family used to shelter you from things because they thought you couldn't handle it and how you used to hate that."
"Yeah. Thank you," and he hugs me.
"I think I know how he got my email. He is now working at (the place 3 blocks away), and I used to go there so he probably found my email in the records."
"Nice." (sarcasm)
"Well, that or he just figured it out because it was my name. Do you want me to change my email or my phone?"
He immediately says, "No, no. If it becomes a problem, then we can do more, but just leave it alone."
"OK"
We talk a little more. I asked if he keeps things inside because he is afraid of hurting ME. He says no, but that sometimes he still gets mad at me. I said you must not forgive me all of the way yet. He said that it is more that he is angry that he got me to that place. I again told him that I made the choice so I'm at fault. Then he says the only thing he sometimes wants to know is what this guy looked like. I told him that he is not attractive, and that he is way more attractive than this guy (absolutely true). He says how that just goes to show that I was lacking so much in what I needed that I was looking for ANYBODY to help fill me up and he feels so bad about that.
I said, "I can't believe he works only 3 blocks away."
He said, "He can live right next door for all I care. I'm not thinking about him and it doesn't matter." (!!!!!!)
I say, "You are awesome."
"YOU are awesome."
Then, he leans over and gives me a passionate kiss and I LIKED it!
