Slept with XH, help!!

[Augtan]

Thanks again everyone! Yes, he is supporting the kids financially, but since he is 700 miles away not so much emotionally. He just cannot seem to understand that he is missing their lives and can never get this time back, classic MLC's I know.

I know he is unhappy, misses the kids, misses me (he only admits this sometimes), misses the normal life we had, but not enough at this point to do anything about it. What I mean about emotions is, if he is crying about the kids, he is doing it to her, he is telling her all the things he should be telling me,etc. I have no idea how much emotions he shows her, but I am sure she sees and gets to help with much more than I do, and is right there to tell him he is right about everything he says or believes to have been true about our marriage. Her XH causes a lot of drama, and they feed off it and it makes them get closer and closer. When we were talking, I told her XH that doing that is making things worse, but he is just a basket case and cannot seem to get a grip on anything. I know this is mean, but one of the reasons I stopped talking to him is because he cried all the time. Also because he made up stuff and talked about them all the time and I just didn't want to hear about it anymore.

I think XH is still mad at me for sending her XH the e-mail, it caused a lot of drama between XH and OW on her birthday!! I am so pissed her XH did that! I had shared tons of stuff with him in the past and he had never done that before so it never entered my mind he would do it this time. He so betrayed my friendship that I am done having any contact with him. It just set back my DBing a lot, which is a bummer.

I did send XH a text today to tell him one of our friend's girls were in a very serious car accident. One was in a coma and just came out of it, I knew he would want to know. He responded and was thankful I had told him.

I have a question...if I am trying to be the better alt. to OW shouldn't I act somewhat like OW did when she was trying to steal XH? Be a friend to him in a kinda distant way? How else is he going to see me as supportive and ego feeding like she is? Like tonight he called and told D10 he was getting on a plane to SF, I had no idea, so I considered sending him a text that said "have a safe trip". Nothing but support and kindness..is that something you can do? Especially if you have GD in the past and it did not good? My XH is very needy, he wants someone to coddle him, show him near constant affection, attention, etc. When we were in MC, we read "His Needs, Her Needs" And his top ones were affections, admiration, and appreciation!! She fed all those to him, how can I do that now or should I?

He constanly was telling me when I discovered his A that "she cares about me, she tells me I am handsome, she compliments what I am wearing, she tells me how valuable I am at work, etc." I was such a mess for months after D-day that I could barley stop sobbing, let alone feed his ego all the time. His mother died when he was 8, that inner child in him craves being babyied, pampered, touched, told how awesome he is, how proud I am of him, how wonderful it is that he provides for the family, etc. When we were together and I had no clue he needed all this, I just went about my day to day life. I felt secure and loved, I just didn't need all that, so it was hard for me to assume he did. He never told me until the A, by then I was a mess and didn't do it, and soon after that he went back to OW (without my knowledge, lied about it until just a month ago, even though we were divorced, he still coudln't tell me the truth!).

He admits he never gave our marriage a chance and didn't give it the year the MC told him it would take for me to even begin to care about his "needs" after what he did. She explained it like an open wound, mine was bleeding and he had to stop the bleeding before we could tend to his scabed over wounds from what went on before the A. He never stopped the bleeding, and now I know why..he couldn't because of his MLC! It is just a vicious cycle and it sucks!!

Grace_O, I would love to hear any story you have to tell me but I have no idea what you mean by alt or how to do it, please tell me and I will asap!

Me-39
XH-42
M- 17 1/2 yrs
D-16, S-14, D-10
MLC- started 10/06
OW discovered-7/07
seperated-9/07
back together- 12/07
moves out again-7/08
D final-5/09
find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09