And, they just go and find someone new and are perfectly happy.
This one of the more common misconceptions. Don't for a second think that his life is all roses.
The projections, the lies, the anger, the just plain awful treatment are all a defense. Keep in mind... although they may seem like aliens, they aren't robots ya know. They do still feel and the guilt they carry can be flat out crippling at times.
Quote:
giving all of himself emotionally to someone else,
Not so fast....true mlc'ers are incapable of giving anything real or true on an emotional level. They literally use the OP to give themselves a temporary fix and to avoid dealing with their issues. Unfortunately for some they will go on living this way forever and their search for happiness is a never ending one.
Which ones come back and which ones don't? Who knows???
This is why it is so important to continue to improve and live your life to the fullest, and when you do you CAN'T go wrong.
Oh....and most importantly, forgiveness is and will always be a gift just for you.
Thanks again everyone! Yes, he is supporting the kids financially, but since he is 700 miles away not so much emotionally. He just cannot seem to understand that he is missing their lives and can never get this time back, classic MLC's I know.
I know he is unhappy, misses the kids, misses me (he only admits this sometimes), misses the normal life we had, but not enough at this point to do anything about it. What I mean about emotions is, if he is crying about the kids, he is doing it to her, he is telling her all the things he should be telling me,etc. I have no idea how much emotions he shows her, but I am sure she sees and gets to help with much more than I do, and is right there to tell him he is right about everything he says or believes to have been true about our marriage. Her XH causes a lot of drama, and they feed off it and it makes them get closer and closer. When we were talking, I told her XH that doing that is making things worse, but he is just a basket case and cannot seem to get a grip on anything. I know this is mean, but one of the reasons I stopped talking to him is because he cried all the time. Also because he made up stuff and talked about them all the time and I just didn't want to hear about it anymore.
I think XH is still mad at me for sending her XH the e-mail, it caused a lot of drama between XH and OW on her birthday!! I am so pissed her XH did that! I had shared tons of stuff with him in the past and he had never done that before so it never entered my mind he would do it this time. He so betrayed my friendship that I am done having any contact with him. It just set back my DBing a lot, which is a bummer.
I did send XH a text today to tell him one of our friend's girls were in a very serious car accident. One was in a coma and just came out of it, I knew he would want to know. He responded and was thankful I had told him.
I have a question...if I am trying to be the better alt. to OW shouldn't I act somewhat like OW did when she was trying to steal XH? Be a friend to him in a kinda distant way? How else is he going to see me as supportive and ego feeding like she is? Like tonight he called and told D10 he was getting on a plane to SF, I had no idea, so I considered sending him a text that said "have a safe trip". Nothing but support and kindness..is that something you can do? Especially if you have GD in the past and it did not good? My XH is very needy, he wants someone to coddle him, show him near constant affection, attention, etc. When we were in MC, we read "His Needs, Her Needs" And his top ones were affections, admiration, and appreciation!! She fed all those to him, how can I do that now or should I?
He constanly was telling me when I discovered his A that "she cares about me, she tells me I am handsome, she compliments what I am wearing, she tells me how valuable I am at work, etc." I was such a mess for months after D-day that I could barley stop sobbing, let alone feed his ego all the time. His mother died when he was 8, that inner child in him craves being babyied, pampered, touched, told how awesome he is, how proud I am of him, how wonderful it is that he provides for the family, etc. When we were together and I had no clue he needed all this, I just went about my day to day life. I felt secure and loved, I just didn't need all that, so it was hard for me to assume he did. He never told me until the A, by then I was a mess and didn't do it, and soon after that he went back to OW (without my knowledge, lied about it until just a month ago, even though we were divorced, he still coudln't tell me the truth!).
He admits he never gave our marriage a chance and didn't give it the year the MC told him it would take for me to even begin to care about his "needs" after what he did. She explained it like an open wound, mine was bleeding and he had to stop the bleeding before we could tend to his scabed over wounds from what went on before the A. He never stopped the bleeding, and now I know why..he couldn't because of his MLC! It is just a vicious cycle and it sucks!!
Grace_O, I would love to hear any story you have to tell me but I have no idea what you mean by alt or how to do it, please tell me and I will asap!
Me-39 XH-42 M- 17 1/2 yrs D-16, S-14, D-10 MLC- started 10/06 OW discovered-7/07 seperated-9/07 back together- 12/07 moves out again-7/08 D final-5/09 find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
Forgivness has to be done daily, it is never to early to start, and it is something that you do for YOU not for him or anyone else. It does not mean that what he did was ok, what it means is that you are no longer going to be ruled by the negative emotions that not forgiving brings.
We all have our moments of not forgiving, wanting to stay in the anger, but it is very important, very important to let that go. Again that is not for him but for you. You can only begin to move forward, heal, and be a better you when you do that.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Cat04, thanks for responding and although what you are saying is very true, there are stages of greiving your divorce and dealing with forgiveness is not at all at the beginning. I have only been D for 5 months, I am in a DivorceCare support group and am following this Christian way of healing from my D.
I have a goal of forgiveness, and I will get there, somedays I feel it others I am no where near there. Anger is not a bad thing at all, it is a normal emotions that goes along with healing. It is how you handle your anger that is the bad part. God has no issues with anger, again He just wants you to handle it the right way. And, when I am ready I will do it for me and only me, I know it has nothing to do with what he did or what she did. But, facts are facts and when someone lies, betrays, deceives, cheats, causes pain beyond beleif, etc. it is not an immediate thing to forgive them, especially the one person in this world who was NEVER suppose to do anything like that to you. What XH has done to our kids is even worse in my eyes, I haven't even gotton into that here. And, as a "momma bear" type mother, that is one of the hardest things to deal with for me. How a man treats his own flesh and blood so awful, when before the MLC he was an incredible father in everyway, is impossible to understand, and I am glad I never will understand it.
Can someone read my responce above this one and help me with the part about how to be the better alt to OW, I really need help with that one! Thanks!
Me-39 XH-42 M- 17 1/2 yrs D-16, S-14, D-10 MLC- started 10/06 OW discovered-7/07 seperated-9/07 back together- 12/07 moves out again-7/08 D final-5/09 find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09
Last edited by Augtan; 10/21/0912:55 PM.
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
If you can be you, the new you, then you will be able to be that better alternative to the OW. But you have to do it for you, with honesty and all of your being.
That is what DB is really about. About learning about yourself, your needs, your wants and desires, and then living that truth. Really living it, letting the world see it and then you become attractive to other people. Maybe even your X. But that cannot be the final goal, or the changes, will not be real. They will not stick.
When you are able to know yourself in a way that you haven’t before, your inner beauty will come out. All of the positive qualities will come out. Then it is easy to show to someone, the real and true you. You will be able to meet the other persons needs and desires, because you want to for the right reasons. It will be easy and natural.
But you have to learn the skills to be able to do that first. You have to not be concerned about the outcome of a situation, just let it be what it will be. What God wants it to be. Then it just comes naturally. When you met H, started dating, did you immediately start thinking how do I get this man to marry me? Probably not.
Since the bomb, I am sure, as we all have, you start to think, what can I do to not lose this person. What can I change that will make him happy, make him want to stay. But it usually doesn’t work that way. Because the changes are coming from a place of fear, rejection, and a desire to hold onto something at any cost.
So when we say be the better alternative, we mean it, but not as a tool to regain your marriage. More as a goal to allow yourself to really become the person you are meant to.
I hope that makes sense.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Yes, all this helps a lot, but as I do all this how is he ever going to notice when he is 700 miles away? Should I have sent him that text saying "have a safe trip"? How is he going to see all my changes if he is not around to see them. I guess, he has seen a lot of them already, but like it says in the "MLC for Dummies" they can't recogonize them cause that defeats their purpose in making us miserable.
But, he has said he is very proud of me and all I have done and accomplished without him. But, in the next breath he says it is too late for us...also a typical MLCer's response. I was a stay at home mom for 15 yrs. and I know it bothered him even though we agreed on it...I now work full-time at my family company and am about to start another "project" for our family non-profit organization. He also complained that I didn't disipline our kids enough and when I did I didn't follow thru, well I showed him that when he was up here with our D16 and he was shocked. He also hated how "angry" he thought I was all the time, and I have become so much less angry and defensive, he has seen this too when I do talk to him or he hears me talking to the kids. I have also talked to him about my anger and why I had it and how I have acknowledged it and am dealing with it. And, he always told me he knew I would be a vindictive bitch if we got divorced, and I have not been that at all, especially with the fact that we ML and I haven't told OW and told him I won't!! I guess, I need to let all this stuff sink in and for him to get to a point where he can process it. I have said before that I also think that he tosses around the idea of us getting back together but sees it as too big of a mountain to climb. He would have to move here, make ammends with my family, make ammends with our kids for all he has done to hurt them, etc. I do think that when he was here and we went out to dinner with a lot of my family he felt that making ammends with them might not be as hard as he thought it would be. And, I am not talking about it all as much with any of them. So, I guess it is a waiting game while I do as all of you say and work on myself and keep improving me for me. I know no matter what I will be better off cause if it isn't with him it will be with someone else that I take these changes into the next relationship which will make that one much more sucessful.
Thanks again everyone! I'm sure more and more will happen, but like I asked, what kind of contact should I have with him? I have GD and it didn't work, so I want to have minimal contact but how should it be...light and breezy, like the text I suggested or still none at all?
Me-39 XH-42 M- 17 1/2 yrs D-16, S-14, D-10 MLC- started 10/06 OW discovered-7/07 seperated-9/07 back together- 12/07 moves out again-7/08 D final-5/09 find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
