Looking For Help

[NoLongerHere]

My wife was similar. Complained about the organization, lack of information, etc too. When when called to confirm the registration and needed to talk to her, she at first refused to get on the phone, then got on and told the woman that she didn't think we were good candidates for the program, and handed the phone back before she was done. She told me she during the week that we should cancel, that she didn't want to go. Had this conversation a few times.

It was touch and go, but she went.

Play it cool. Good luck -

[Looking_For_Help]

BillM,

And yet it appears that your W got alot out of Retrouvaille and enjoyed her time there. This pre-behavior may just be script. Thanks.

-LFH

[givingitmyall]

LFH,

I have not yet done Retro, so I can only comment on the pre-retro behavior I have read about here. But what I have read is that it seems to be very common for the WAS to get what amounts to cold feet just before and leading up to Retro. They seem to look for excuses or a way out of having to go. Just get her there.

My $0.02 worth.

[Looking_For_Help]

My W and I returned from Retrouvaille this evening. It was definitely an exhausting and emotional experience, but I was glad we went. This retreat was not a silver bullet for us, but we did experience small miracles, relatively speaking.

Friday evening started out very nicely. My W and I had dinner alone at the local Red Lobster prior to going over to the hosting hotel. We laughed and joked like we haven’t in years. It looked like we were heading into the weekend on the right foot.

Friday night; however, was to become a disaster for us. I had my bags packed and was ready to go home by 11:00 p.m. After late night discussions with the onsite priest and peer-counselors, I decided to return to our room. The reason I wanted to go home was that my emotional hopelessness for our situation finally overcame my rational mind and I wanted out. I wanted a divorce. We had to answer and share “feelings-based” questions with our spouses. The answers my W provided me demonstrated to me that she was not interested in saving our marriage whatsoever. I was extremely frustrated and upset b/c I began to open up my heart again with this process and it felt like it was getting ripped apart again.

Saturday morning we began the process of answering “feelings-based” questions again and shared our feelings with our spouses. This continued through Sunday afternoon. Here are some of our highlights:

1. I learned that my W is not capable of forgiving me for my transgressions at this time because she can't even forgive herself for her own issues. She was still blaming herself over the miscarriage of our second child (three years ago) and that she broke our daughter’s leg by accident less than a year ago. The feelings my W is dealing with is more that just about me.

2. She still has a lot of healing to do for herself. My own healing started back in May when I started the DB process. It’s amazing how much GALing has improved my life in just six months. My W said she had alot of catching up to do. Our relationship will heal as my wife heals herself.

3. I learned that my W was purposely and/or subconsciously cruel to me over the last eight months during our in-house separation. I told her how effective she was at hurting me and that it was going to end with divorce if she didn’t stop. I forgave her for the last eight months. This was more of a gift for myself than her, but she was extremely relieved that I didn’t hate her. She agreed to stop and has been extremely nice to me ever since.

4. My wife invited me to attend the post-sessions with her. The counselors stated that the post-sessions are where the real healing happens. So I accepted my W’s invitation.

5. My W agreed to do the daily homework associated with Retrouvaille. She wants to continue with the “dialogue” process. We just finished this evening’s homework.

6. My W stated that she wants to start counseling so that she can expedite her own healing process. This will entail individual counseling for herself or joint marriage counseling for the both of us.

7. She stated that she can’t guarantee that our marriage will be saved.

8. The Retrouvaille process was extremely emotional…my wife became physically ill as her emotions overtook her. Crying and vomiting was the norm for her. It was if the Holy Spirit was hitting her in the head with a 2x4. I cried alot as well.

9. My W was laughing with me and smiling at me by Saturday night. She stated “you still can make me laugh…you’re one of the funniest people I know.” Sunday was also very pleasant…I haven’t felt so close to her in several years. We laughed and joked the whole day!

10. My wife does not want divorce and is EXTREMELY concerned about the kids.


I’m definitely interested in everyone’s opinion on my Retrouvaille weekend and welcome suggestions as I go forward.

Kind Regards,
LFH

[Gardener]

LFH,

I’m definitely interested in everyone’s opinion on my Retrouvaille weekend and welcome suggestions as I go forward.

I have no opinion, advice, or suggestons. I am just in awe of the intensity of the experience you shared. And I feel pretty good for you with item 10), too.

Wonder if Retrovaille would work with a Christian (me) and an atheist (my wife)?

[givingitmyall]

LFH,

That all sounds very positive. And very emotionally draining. No guarantees, but sure sounds like it is moving the right direction.

I'm really happy for you. You deserve it.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hello Gardener,

Thanks for your reply. I believe anyone can attend Retrouvaille. There were times when things became a bit religious, but it never became "preachy."

Good luck,
LFH

[Lotus]

LFH,

WoW! Such strong reactions from your wife. I am sad to hear that she blames herself for a miscarriage. There is no way that could be her fault. It is a 1 in 3 chance with any pregnancy that it will end in miscarriage, and even when doctors try to save a miscarriage, they are rarely successful. I had several miscarriages, in addition to my two healthy children.

It all sounds good. Keep doing the homework, go to the Post sessions, it does get easier, and happier over time.

[Lotus]

And yes, a Christian and an Atheist can get a lot out of Retrouvaille. It is not more religious than being in a public meeting where they recite the lord's prayer.

[Looking_For_Help]

Lotus,

Thank you for your reply. I sure hope your right when you say it gets easier and happier over time. My hopelessness still rates a 9 out of 10, but it's down from 10 out of 10 prior to the Retrouvaille weekend. I'm just taking things one day at a time. The big positive for me is that my W is now communicating with me on a "feelings" level and that all hostilities have exited our home. She actually initiated today's dialouge by leaving me her letter on the counter as she had to go out of town on business. She also texted me today to wish me a nice day.

Thanks,
LFH