I would like this to be done before we get into the holiday season. If do not feel comfortable with that then I will file single. I would still like to meet start going over personal property, kids schedules, etc.
Thank you for getting the kids on Thursday, this is a huge help.
I do not like being in this state of limbo. Of course I want to be cautious of the kids needs but having parents that just continue on without addressing the issues is not good for them either.
Tomorrow I go to see a counselor, and I will discuss this with him as well. Prior to going, I meet with my wife for our weekly transition meeting.
My FIL really thinks I need to tell my W how I feel. He said I need to be prepared for an answer I don't like, but it needs to be said.
That goes contrary to what we've discussed here. She wants to file next week (she did relent to not doing so this week).
If I can wait to talk to her until the weekend, do you think I should, in an unemmotional way, tell her that I don't want to file, that I love her and that I want to work on our marriage?
I already know the answer, I think...but when is enough, enough? She is thinking that I am not pursuing her. That I am OK with this divorce. I'm not sure how to tell when the time is right.
My W met with a mutual friend, and former teacher. I just hung up with her. They had lunch today.
She described my w as a very confussed lady that has no self esteeme right now.
She asked her if she loved me and she said "right now, no".
She said that I should keep doing what I am doing. Back off completly, let her have her space. Let her find herself, and use that time to find myself.
I know all of this, I just struggle with the emmotions.
I leave the house tomorrow to spend the week alone. I'm actually looking forward to it. I love my kids and miss them so much when I am gone, but it makes it so much harder to GAL when you are a single parent. I will spend that week doing what I did two weeks ago...enjoying my time, reflecting, learning and growing.
She told me that it might take a long time, she said there is no overnight fix. She asked if I could give it 6 months. I said I didn't know. It didn't matter, she wants a divorce now. She kept telling me that Divorce is trivial in this process, that even if we file, even if we divorce, there is hope...she said she could see it.
Someone please tell me that I am doing the right thing...I know the answer, but there is something about reading it from others, learning from their expereinces.
She kept telling me that 50 days was nothing in the grand scheme of things and that I really really really needed to be patient.
She said that she can't afford to file in the next two weeks, so we will do it after November 7th. Another delay. This is good though.
I am fortunate because originally she wanted to file "the next day", that was around Labor Day.
I'll take each delay as a gift from God and hope that more time will continue to work to soften her and help her forgive me and reconsider. I still think we will file though.
We have a sleepover for our daughter this weekend. I have been asked to help. She said we will do fine, that we can talk about non-relationship things and keep it positive. This is probably one of those few opportunities where I can focus on showing her some of my changes as well as spend some time studying her, getting to know her better, validating her concerns, etc...
While my last posts implied I was giving up or at least falling off the DB wagon, I have not.
I've not been on the board in a few days. Read your posts and what you said about how each of our lives interwine and help each other is so true and some things you said helped me and I appreciate that.
Quote:
I've been galing a lot, and I think it is making my wife upset.
There is only one reason I can think of that would cause her to even care. If she is divorcing you, then why would it matter to her if you were GAL? She must still have strong feelings for you and are concerned that a smart woman out there will recognize a good man when she sees one. Looks like there is some cheese down this tunnel of GAL.
I know you hate feeling jealous. That type of jealousy is usually caused from a low self-esteem, so you need to keep working to get your esteem built up. Just think of how far you have already come!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
A few posts ago I said she decided to wait until after November 7th to file. Yesterday she told me she would be filing on her own today. I haven't slept since and am pretty much a zombie.
Whe put the house up for sale.
She told me that she was where I am now (willing to work on the marriage) 2 years ago, but she stopped waiting and is now moving on. She said she can't imagine us ever being together again, she has no feelings for me and just needs this over with.
I stuck to the DB rules, but am so very sad. I keep telling myself that papers are just the start of the process, not the end.
She asked me to move out of the house so we don't have to continue moving in and out every week. I refused, but politely. I told her that it was my home as well and it was working well for the kids. I said I would not move out.
She told me that she can't stay at the old house because it reminds her of everything that went wrong in our marriage. She said she can't keep staying at her mom's house either. Well, that house has 10 years of memories and they are not all bad, she's just choosing what to see. I didn't make any suggestions, I just said that I was only willing to continue what we were doing and that I thought it was working well. I said I was leaving to take the kids to church and she said, as I was walking out the door, "I'll file tommorow". I told her that I wished she wouldn't, but if she needed to, I understood...then I left. I think she was pushing to get me mad...to get me to fight.
I've talked to so many people who have made their marriage work after far more then what we have gone through. Couples who were seperated for 9 months or more, couples who endured multiple affairs, couples who endured long term affairs, physical, mental and emmotional affairs, marriages that survived the death of a child, etc... It is amazing how many people do make it. I want to be one of them.
But I am tired. I am worn out and keep taking it moment by moment. I'm not giving up, but I am begining to wonder when I will see something. I know you will say that I have seen something, but when I do see hope, she quickly does something that dashes it.
I took soup over the other night because all of the kids were sick, very sick. So was my W. I called first, asked if it was okay, she said I didn't have to, I said I wanted to. She said okay.
I got their favorite soups from a take out place, as well as her favorite sushi and took them over. I set the table, dug the stuff out of the soup the kids didn't like and had dinner ready when she got home. I said good bye to the kids and left. When I left she mentioned drs. apprs the next day and I told her if she needed any help to just call, I was available all morning.
I left, and about 5 mintutes later got a call from my W. She invited me back for supper. I declined because I had other plans. She told me to let her know what she owed me for the food and I said she didn't owe me anything. Then we said good bye.
The next day I expected her to regress, and boy did she ever.
I stopped over to see our daughter at lunch (at my W's request) and when I was done visiting with her my wife took me in the kitchen and said "I appreciate everything you've done, supper last night, the house being clean when I got home, etc.. BUT it doesn't change anything, you understand that?" I replied that I did and she said "really, do you?". I said I understood and then got ready to leave...never showing anger, hurt, sadness, etc...
When I was getting ready to leave she asked if I could come back at 4;00 to watch the kids while she went to exercise class. I agreed. When I left the house the sign was not in the yard, when I got back at 4:00, it was. I didn't say anything, remained upbeat and cheery while I was there, but I was crushed.
So, it seems like instead of two steps backward each day, we take one forward and two back, which is good; but then she realizes what she is doing and plows full speed ahead.
So, critique me. Tell me what I am doing wrong. The only thing I can think of is being too available to help her. It is very tough to say I can't watch the kids, but I think I may need to do that. She'll need to change her schedule, find a sitter, etc... Is that too jerkish? I don't want to miss a chance to be with my kids, but she knows that I am there to help, and that won't be true in divorce.
She qualified it by saying she didn't want to give me hope and all she will commit to is trying to forgive me so we can be amicable and good parents, if something more happens, great.
I'm not going to get excited, I am just happy she wants to try to salvage our friendship, that is what I value most.
I'm thanking god over and over right now, because even if it ends, being friends is so important for our kids.
I just have this "feeling" that your W is trying to convince herself that it is truly over....as much as she is trying to convince you. I think that one reason she moved the date up to file for D was b/c she got scared that her feelings were going to defeat her attempts to go through with filing. So, while she felt strong....she moved the date forward.
I can understand why she sees "hope" in your eyes and is trying to make you believe it is really over. I'm sure your face gives you away whenever you look at her, but I doubt you can help it. I see every person's stitch as unique in it's own way.....and that is why I don't always give the same advise to every poster. I don't want to give you false hope, but I just can't see this R as over. Even if she goes through with filing.....I think there will be a future for the two of you.
Quote:
She'll need to change her schedule, find a sitter, etc... Is that too jerkish? I don't want to miss a chance to be with my kids, but she knows that I am there to help, and that won't be true in divorce.
No, it is not being a jerk at all. In fact, that is usually what I tell the LBH. Perhaps you need to consider being more tough, so that she will feel the "experience" of being single. I do believe you've been too available, but I knew why you were. I think you have shown her how badly you want to make this M work.
The C is a good sign.....I think. I'm not sure why she didn't have IC if she was trying to figure out how to "forgive" you. Why does she want you in the sessions? Something to think about. You know the C is going to give MC. How could he not? So, try to see this as a positive step, but at the same time, it will probably be painful. Sometimes, pain can bring forth good things......like childbirth.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I've been begging and praying for my W to offer to go to counseling, but after the rollercoaster of the last two months and her very clear statements the last few weeks, I'm just not sure. I wanted more than anything to fix this, to be a good husband again; but I've been GALing and I see that our relationship has been on life support for several years. She's been so angry to me that I can't say I am really excited to go to counseling with her. I know I need to, I know I will regret allowing this marriage to end, but honestly, Well, I don't know...
I have no idea why I feel this way. I spent a lot of time last night reflecting on the last two months and all the stress, crying, sadness, anger, etc... that I have been through. She was very clear yesterday that I should not get my hopes up, she only wants to work at being amicable in divorce. She wants to learn to forgive so we can be good parents.
I guess that is an open door, or at least a door that is cracked open, but after being shut out, and now getting what I wanted, I question it. How dumb is that? I have seen her so angry and I have had people ask if I will be 'able to get beyond that if she changes her mind', I've always said yes...now I am not sure.
She did put the house up for sale at work again yesterday. Things are still progressing toward divorce. But there is this increased confusion about counseling now.
I honestly feel like I need to stop GALing. I won't, because I am having fun. But it is seeing the life that I didn't have before that is making me question if I have what it takes to make my marriage work. 15 years is a long time, but at 33, I have a lot of years left. I don't want either my W or myself to spend them in a marriage of convenience; but I don't want to regret not trying either.
I'm making no sense...and I am so confussed, and I can't figure out why.
