Hi Bill Just wanted to pop in and see how you were going and, whilst I feel that you have been receiving a lot of positive feedback and good advice here, I also feel that there's some real bs to go with it!
No one here really knows what type of people you and your W are and I feel that to act aggressively and in a reactive way is not what either of you needs right now. Sure your W needs to know what you have discovered but there's ways and means of getting your message across without having to put yourself to any further emotional or physical duress. If you are not ready to ask her to leave, then don't. Whatever you do has to feel right for you ... I wasted months on trying to do what other people here were advising and, if I had just mowed my own path forward, I reckon that I would have been where I am now a long time ago. If it doesn't sit easily with you, then it's not right.
However, if W does not comply with stopping the A, then there should be consequences. That will buy you some time to think about what it is that you want to do for YOU and YOUR kids. I think that you should set yourself a time limit and be prepared to go through with any 'consequences' which you feel are warranted - don't forget, if there is progress then the time limit can be extended.
Meanwhile, get her to move in to the spare room/on the sofa.
Reactive behaviour does not work. It helps the spouse to win. I packed my H's stuff and literally threw it out the door when he moved in to his temporary rental with a work colleague. I really acted out as the bitch from hell that he wanted me to be - it gave him the excuse he needed for leaving - it made it all so much easier for him and he told me afterwards that it was my REACTIVE behaviour which empowered him and made him feel far less guilty than he did when I was sitting, crying or being totally silent. Please don't power your Ws behaviour in this way.
Go about this in a calm and thoughtful manner. You should definitely set your boundaries and respect yourself but I have learned that being quiet and acting with dignity gets you to far better places and produces far better results than acting gung-ho and losing any self-respect by your retaliatory actions.
Will check in again later Bill but I have to get off as that thing called work is just getting in the way!!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
