K, do you have a history of self sabotage? Am asking, because I sure do. You said something about getting anxious when things start to go well and also something about wanting to push him away or start something. That's why I am asking this.
My old habit of self sabotage..came from low self esteem and insecurity and feelings of worthlessness. I didn't feel I deserved anything good or worthwhile in my life and so messed things up for myself all the time. I did this through my drinking, am recovering alcoholic, and through other behaviors. I have been wrestling with this of late, although sober now, feeling like things aren't good enough, wanting more, wanting to fix the sitch completely...and have all perfect now! So, what to do? Stop, breathe, and relax. Look at all the progress that has been made to date. Focus on good things in R...remember how bad it was...and then realize how much better it has gotten...focus on progress not perfection...
You did a great job on lists! Print those out and read them to yourself whenever you start to feel down. You are a wonderful, worthwhile, amazing woman...don't forget it! And you deserve to be happy...so remember, happiness comes from within. When you love yourself, then you have enough love to love others....and you don't need love from them. So, when you get it ...it's all gravy...extra bonus material....and it sounds to me like you've been getting in some loving with your H as of late, too...wooohooo....that always helps.
