Pam, Yes, the "fake" wine does have a screw off cap! & it's usually $3.99 or $3.33 on sale!
I feel anxious when we get close b/c...hmmm...I guess it feels too good to be true. Happiness is more foreign to me than having this dark cloud over my head. My anxiety has acted for a self-protection I think, like, "look, he doesn't love you b/c he is doing this or not doing this...put up your guard..." If I feel anxious, then I blame him, get mad at him, close myself off, and distance him. That way he can't hurt ME. Well, so it seems. But, it's not the way it works b/c I am only hurting myself.
Sometimes I ask myself why I am putting myself through this. As many have pointed out, I will only push him away. He wants to give me his heart, I know he does. He already DID! And I've stomped all over it! So, he is now protecting himself.
My parents hurt me a lot as I was growing up. They both used drugs. My dad used to call me names and yell at me when I made mistakes. He'd also drive crazily when he was mad and drove into our garage and porch and stuff. Lots of throwing things, etc. etc. He is also an alcoholic (then? don't know). My mom was very insecure and did not know how to raise a child with self esteem. Now I think she is jealous of me and has told me that she tries to be like me. yuck, but a compliment. They have always acted more like peers than parents. But, most people have had difficult childhoods, so I can't cry over it anymore.
I guess I don't believe that I am lovable or worthwhile. Maybe someday I will be able to believe it wholly! k
