Problems after the affair...Rebuilding

[whatdidido]

Thank you so much, everyone!

Ok, here is my plan:

1. Tell H about OM contact. (Again, does everyone think I should tell him about where he works? Hope and Pup, what would you want?)

2. Start with some touching and hand holding with me initiating (I have been avoiding it because it has annoyed me) and to just suck it up and start doing it again.

3. Discuss kissing. Do some kind of kissing thing like DQ suggested.

4. Continue reading. I am reading Passionate Marriage.

5. HAve a serious talk about our sex and what we need. Discuss Sex Therapy.

[whatdidido]

Hope, yeah, I get the feeling that my H wants to ML alllll the time when I want him to just f. I think because if he just fs me, then I know he wants me in a man kind of way. That I'm desirable....sexy....etc. It would help with the "maybe he never found me desirable", "maybe he never loved me", "maybe he is gay" thoughts that go through my head.

[Hope4us]

If it was me, I would want to know where OM works. If you DON'T tell him and he finds out, it's just another thing getting in the way.

I would tell him you got the email, you didn't respond, don't want to ever talk to him again, in the email he told me he works 3 blocks away (or whatever) and I just wanted you to know so you don't question why I'm driving farther to a store than going to the one 3 blocks away, because I truly never want to see him again. I want YOU....NOW, ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER! Ok, just kidding about the kitchen counter thing....I think.

Don't know what to tell you about the ML all the time. If that's how your H is, then the A would really be tough for him to deal with. But maybe I'm just weird. If you want to truly ML all the time, how can you try out new positions when you can't see their face ?

Yes to the hand holding etc.....fake it til ya make it!

[whatdidido]

There is no way we can never go by the place of work of the OM. It is in the middle of the small town and by everything we go to...gas, food, school, etc....you would have to pass it to get out of town.

[Hope4us]

I'm not saying never drive by the place, but more if it's say a grocery store and there's another one 20 minutes away, H would know why you're driving the extra miles.

[NoCodeBlues]

In general, and for nearly any such situation with a loved one, you should always keep in mind the golden rule. Practice a a measure of empathy and put yourself in your spouse's shoes: How would you want your spouse to tell you, for example, that your kissing practices are not satisfactory? Would you want them to get frustrated with you and blurt out, "Ugh, you kiss like a wet fish!" Or would you want them to lovingly and compassionately take you in hand and guide you in the right techniques, to communicate open, honestly and with great sensitivity?

By the same token, your spouse will want/need to know the truth, but presentation of what you think and feel can either be harsh or with compassion. Don't do this out of frustration or impatience -- instead, speak the truth in love.

[whatdidido]

Ok. Ugh, and my H thought that work was the only thing stressing him out. Wait until we talk tonight. He goes out of town next week. Is this an ok time to spring it on him?

I will be as compassionate as I possibly can.

[kat727]

I have to admit you had got me thinking...maybe he is gay. A lot of men can be in denial and try to have a relationship with a woman but it never turns out very well. My aunt is gay and she tried to have a relationship with a man. I think she loved him as much as she could but it just wasn't right for her.

I hope I am wrong for your sake but it would answer a lot of questions.

kat

[Hope4us]

I have to admit you had got me thinking...maybe he is gay. A lot of men can be in denial and try to have a relationship with a woman but it never turns out very well. My aunt is gay and she tried to have a relationship with a man. I think she loved him as much as she could but it just wasn't right for her.

I hope I am wrong for your sake but it would answer a lot of questions.

kat

Ouch.

[whatdidido]

We had the gay talk more than a couple times. He insists he is not. He said he talked to a counselor about it, too, and that he is not. He says he never dreams about men or has any kind of fantasy like that at all. It is always women. So, now I need him to show me that is true.