Ok, first of all, I've been down this path twice. The first time was 7 years ago, and she was drinking heavily. She dropped the bomb in Jan of '02, and there was no further discussion. I cried, wailed, pleaded, begged, etc., but nothing impressed her whatsoever.
We lived together for 16 months after that, before she moved out into her own place. It was another 3 months before I learned that she was having an affair. Well, duh. People had been telling me that for over a year, but I refused to believe it. Afterwards, it all made perfect sense, of course. She too, swore up and down that the last thing she wanted was another man in her life. She even had her best friend convinced that there was no affair.
After my initial depression, complete with full suicide plans, no less, I found this website and started reading and implementing changes in myself. Soon, she began to notice, and it made her angry. I refused to argue with her anymore, by that time, so I'd just let her rant and scream and holler "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS NOW, WHEN IT DOESN'T MATTER?"
I knew that this meant that she at least LIKED what I was doing, even if it was too late at the time, in her mind. She was already involved with the OM, of course, and the last thing she wanted to see was me being happy doing my own thing, including numerous 180s that flat out knocked her off balance.
Eventually, her affair fizzled out and she called me after 9 months, crying and begging to come back. I took her back instantly, without a minute of hesitation. Unbeknownst to e at the time, however, is that she was unwilling to make one bit of effort towards rebuilding the relationship, until years later, and then would pull the plug and run away again the moment she started to "have feelings" for me again. Live and learn, I guess.
What I can tell you from my previous experience is that you need to stop obsessing over her and focus on YOU. Seriously. She will NOT want anything to do with you while you're moping around, obsessing and lamenting the past. Get over it and move on. That's what she's doing. If you continue to focus on HER and what SHE'S doing, you're going to not only shove her further away from you, but you'll miss out on a great growth opportunity for yourself.
Trust me, if she's going to come back, it's NOT going to be because you were obsessing over her. And, if she DOESN'T come back, you're going to have to start all over from square one when it finally sinks in that you ARE, in fact, alone. Accept it NOW, and move on as if you are. The chances of her coming back are FAR greater when she sees you focusing on YOU, rather than HER. She didn't fall in love with somebody who was obsessed with her right off the bat, remember?
Forget about whether or not she's got OM, too. Assume that she does, and move on. There's not a damn thing that you can do about that right now anyway, so forget about it. Just know that in almost every affair, the lust/passion/rapture wears off in 6 months to 2 years, and the affair then collapses. THAT is when my WAW woke up, 6-1/2 years ago. Up until that point, she was absolutely, positively convinced that divorce was the only answer.
Now, she feels that way once again, and once again, I'm certain that there's another affair, but that doesn't concern me. What concerns me is moving on with my life. My focus, oncen again, is on myself and my kids, because that's all that really matters right now. We'll be fine, with or without her, as harsh as that may sound. I cannot control what she does or says, nor can I control the outcomes of her decisions. All I can control is ME and how I react to those things around me.
Yes, this is hard as hell. Nobody WANTS to be on the $hit end of these WAS bomb drops. It sucks in every imagineable way, but it honestly does NO GOOD whatsoever to mope around and obsess over what was. It does not matter now. She's moved on. Now, you have to, as hard as that may seem at the moment.
The sooner you can detach and begin to move on, the sooner you'll start to put the pieces back together and stand with your head held high, proud of where you've come in such a short time, and proud that you weren't the one who left, and that you did what you needed to, to make yourself stronger, wiser, and ready to accept whatever lie in front of you.
The worst that can happen, when you do this, is that you DO end up divorcing, and you come out of it far wiser than before. The best is that she comes back and you can somehow find a way to rebuild your broken relationship.
Although I'm eternally grateful that she did come back to me, we were unable to reconnect, unfortunately, thanks to years of heavy drinking followed by a year and a half of heavy AA cult worship. What she became through that was somebody who simply was unable to feel or give love for me, and simply did not care to try anymore.
