Problems after the affair...Rebuilding

[Hope4us]

WDID, I only have a minute, but while I was thinking about what I would say, I read DQ's posts and she pretty much says what I think you should do. OM contacting you is a perfect way to lead into the sex talk.

You have the double whammy going on. A SSM prior to the A, and then the A to deal with, and now a SSM again.

As a guy, I can say I just don't get your H and in the same respect, Allen. Maybe I'm just weird, but I don't think so, but for me, I can separate ML and having sex. Some times I want to ML, all tender and kisses and other times I just want to F.

Maybe that's why I didn't have too many issues when W and I started being intimate again after her A. Sometimes there were images, but I just thought, screw it, if we're not going to make it, at least I'm having hot sex.

Ok, enough about me. Like I said, I think DQ hit it on the head and with her being a woman with much the same experiences as you, I think you should listen to her.

I know I would refuse to live in a SSM, even as much as I love my W. Sex to me makes me feel whole. Without it, I don't think I could be happily married. I get the impression you feel the same way.

Now I'm not saying that you should leave your H right now, but it's obvious from what you've said that he has some issues that need to be addressed before he's able to give you what you need.

I think you use OM contacting you as a way to bring the topic up. Maybe something along the lines of what I said to say before, but then tell your H that there really needs to be a change in your SSM or there will be a point where you're outie. Tell him that you love him and want him, but you feel unloved because he doesn't want you and you can't live that way. Tell him that you'd like to see a counselor, either together or individually so you guys can figure out just what the hang up is because nothing would make you more happy than to have a happy, fulfilling, intimate relationship with him, including sexually.

I can't put words in your mouth because only you know your H here, but I fear that you will end up being so lonely that you're bound to repeat what happened. And I don't think either you or your H want that. So what's your other choice? Both of you need to figure this out in an open and honest way, with or without outside help. Protecting your H's feelings is not going to get you anywhere.

I think the time is past for protecting your H's feelings if you two are ever going to get to where you both seem to want your marriage to be. I wish to god that my W had been open and honest with me BEFORE she went where she did.