Is this the end of my marriage?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am trying to put it down to the fact she was just unhappy ... full stop. Trying not to analyse. Could be a million things from trouble in paradise to not having enough money!

BINGO. A+!

I'm glad you said that, as it ties in to what we were all trying to leave just up-thread. I think we ARE to analyze what ACTIONS our DBing efforts are yielding. We're just not to MIND-READ.

Your example here is perfect.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Maybe, for now, you need to get her to agree that when she spends time with your daughter, it's on her own, with no OM present. At your current state, the "family days" are killing you. You can re-instate family days when YOU are ready and strong.

I think this is a GREAT, and prudent, idea.

Puppy

[P17]

I've just had a friend around who spoke to my W's friend at the doctors today.

I'm putting this down to get it off my chest. I'm not analysing this at all, except one of them - see the end. I'm looking at it as more script.

Friend told my friend:

1. She doesn't think my W will come back to me.
2. She has met the boyfriend and he's a really nice guy.
3. The boyfriend isn't a boyfriend anymore but just a lodger
4. I was too insecure for my W.
5. I was too insecure when it came to us having children and that if it didn't work out I wouldn't let her take it / them.

My take, again just to get it off my chest:

1. Neither do I, but I continue anyway.
2. Can't comment as never actually met him.
3. OH COME ON! How stupid do they think I actually am?!?!
4. Correct. I have now been vindicated as to why I was insecure about our marriage but still it's not a nice trait to have so 100% correct. I am trying to change that but still incredibly insecure.
5. 100% correct - I fought for 7 years to see my daughter and she knew that was one of the reservations I had - that it would happen again with us and I would need to fight again.

The only one that I am analysing is why tell me the boyfriend is just a lodger?!?!!? Makes absolutely no sense ... I should try and accept it as more script and stop reading into it. Everybody knows he's the boyfriend as she's told them!?!?!?!?!?

Otherwise this is script, gossip and nonsense.

[P17]

Maybe, for now, you need to get her to agree that when she spends time with your daughter, it's on her own, with no OM present. At your current state, the "family days" are killing you. You can re-instate family days when YOU are ready and strong.

I think this is a GREAT, and prudent, idea.

Puppy

My D's mother won't allow that (my D's mother isn't my W). She's not even keen on her having contact at all.

[P17]

Dancing class is great!!! I suggest you add something like boxing or karate to build your warrior strength. DO the NMMNG exercises.

Please focus on you, not her antics.

I'm looking at doing something different after your first post. Karate sounds great. This is a small town so there is not much to do but worth a look anyway.

I have actually joined a NMMNG online class - all the way in. I'm hoping that by getting a push it will help me as the exercises in the book, while great, weren't really helping all that much.

[P17]

Remember, most wayward spouses -- and nearly all wayward women -- like to have a "soft place to land." A backup plan. So just don't interpret her lack of action as a sign of genuine remorse, professed love for you (although I do think she still loves you), or anything else that would make you go "A-HA!"

I'm not at all. I actually see her lack of action as a financial gain for her. See previous posts but if it's dragged on past next July she will gain financially. If before then she doesn't gain at all. It will also cost her to file for divorce. If I do it, it costs me.

It could be nothing more than "plate-spinning." (You know, like that guy on the old Ed Sullivan Show or Bozo's Circus that would keep all those plates spinning on the sticks. Right now, FOR WHATEVER REASON, your wife is trying to keep both of her plates spinning (you and OM), or else she would have filed.)

I am trying desperately to take my plate away. As I said though I think the lack of filing is financial.

What makes you think she still loves me? That just seems so far away from what everybody else thinks ... and I simply don't know one way or the other.

[theoden]

P17,

Your wife's friend is loyal to your wife, and as such is not a realible source of interpretation. She;s an extension of your wife's opinions. And as such don't believe any of it. Remember, nothing of what she says and only 50% of what she does.

Friend told my friend:

1. She doesn't think my W will come back to me.
2. She has met the boyfriend and he's a really nice guy.
3. The boyfriend isn't a boyfriend anymore but just a lodger
4. I was too insecure for my W.
5. I was too insecure when it came to us having children and that if it didn't work out I wouldn't let her take it / them

All of the above is worthless, useless conjecture. Who cares? It's bullsh*t.

Paying attetion to it means you are insecure.

Where does your daughter's mother play into the visitation scheme? Does she see your daughter? How often? Does your daughter now have 3 parental figures/separate households to deal with?

Karate...Kickboxing, Boxing, Kung Fu....etc. There must be something out there.

--Theoden

[P17]

P17,

Your wife's friend is loyal to your wife, and as such is not a realible source of interpretation. She;s an extension of your wife's opinions. And as such don't believe any of it. Remember, nothing of what she says and only 50% of what she does.

No, I agree. It's more game playing and they know it gets back to me so everything they say can be safely ignored or taken in the context that they are just stirring.

All of the above is worthless, useless conjecture. Who cares? It's bullsh*t.

Paying attetion to it means you are insecure.

It upset me but I quickly let it go after I put it down here. I wanted to get it off my chest. However a couple of points were valid so I admitted them to myself. I am ignoring it though.

Where does your daughter's mother play into the visitation scheme? Does she see your daughter? How often? Does your daughter now have 3 parental figures/separate households to deal with?

My D now has three parents - her mother, me, my W. My D's mother has full custody. I get her as agreed (during the week and every second weekend and half of every holidays).

My D doesn't have three separate households to deal with as I don't want her visiting my W's household.

Karate...Kickboxing, Boxing, Kung Fu....etc. There must be something out there.

I agree there will be something out there. I have no doubt. I just need to find it but I do agree it's an excellent idea! I actually quite fancy boxing or even rugby ...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What makes you think she still loves me? That just seems so far away from what everybody else thinks ... and I simply don't know one way or the other.

I don't know, it's just a gut feeling I guess. Maybe because she's acting more hateful than apathetic?

[P17]

I don't know, it's just a gut feeling I guess. Maybe because she's acting more hateful than apathetic?

I suppose where there's love there's hope. Then again there is a fine line between love and hate :-)