Either way will work. The holidays are stressful, but living with your H is stressful. Leaving will be stressful. I guess you just have to balance them all out, and pick one!
Things are still quiet in BunnyLand. H was distracted with his father's estate (final estate docs arrived on Friday) and has been rather busy hating his sister the last few days. My role was explaining to him and his other siblings what the forms are and how they come up with the numbers that are on there. (Our office isn't handling this estate, but I have worked on others and I'm familiar with the forms.) The worst part was when H was asking me to explain why the estate atty billed some things that she did. I did what I could, but I'm not a mind reader, and really- our office probably would have billed for some of that stuff too. He went off on a lengthy rant- "Well, that's just not right", "what if the situation was this...", "and what about..." After 20 minutes of this- "why are you getting all defensive? I'm not yelling at YOU". But he's asking me the questions and looking for answers. If I answer, he doesn't like the answer; if I don't answer and treat the questions as rhetorical ones, he wonders why I'm not saying anything. It's a no-win situation.
We go back to MC tomorrow evening, and we haven't discussed anything related to our M. Here's an idea- I'm not sure how well it will fly, but to get the ball rolling, I was thinking about proposing to H tonight that we each prepare an agenda of things we would like to go over tomorrow and compare. A couple of reasons for this- A)my walls are still firmly in place when it comes to talking to H; and B) it eliminates any possibility of H feeling ambushed and lashing out.
This whole thing is stressing me out a bit physically- my stomach has been bad for a couple of weeks now. But at least the crying jags disappeared last week- that's good. Still feeling "blech", but no crying.
OK, so my idea didn't pan out last night- and it was my issue, not his. I was waiting for H to shut down his computer last night and come watch TV for a bit before turning out the light. Well, H decided last night to sit at the computer about an extra 1.5 hours longer than normal, and I just didn't have the nerve to go up to him and say that I wanted to talk (I gotta work on that- it doesn't help that part of me just doesn't want to talk to him). It also didn't help that I had a pounding headache by that time, either. But I did just send him a text to that effect: Is there anything in particular that you want to discuss tonight? I was thinking we each should make a list of potential topics.
So, we'll see if he responds. So far, nothing.
One of my topics is the whole swinging issue, our elephant in the room so far ignored- we haven't touched on that yet in our sessions, just in convos between us. I really don't get it- I understand the theory behind it, but I don't get it. H goes against the male stereotype in that he has no issues whatsoever with sharing his wife physically, as long as she doesn't get emotionally attached to anyone else (same goes for him). One of our problems was that there were a couple of guys that I played with more than once, and I started getting attached to them. I told H that was one reason for me to stay out of the lifestyle- it messes with my emotions on multiple levels (attachments, jealousy when I see with another woman, shame when I felt like a hooker), I can't handle it. I don't want to. It sure doesn't bother him to see me f***ing or b**wing another guy. And I'm dealing with the guilt for having gotten attached. That was breaking the rules- "No emotions". Easier said than done for me.
H has said a couple times that there's no guarantee that he won't want to resume the lifestyle in the future if he gives it up now. Why is it so important to him to have variety? (Or at least the freedom to pursue variety- his batting average as a single male in the lifestyle is not stellar.) Seems like that should be enough for me to get out- if he can't commit 100% to only me? Is that really too much to ask? Why do we even need to discuss this?
One of our problems was that there were a couple of guys that I played with more than once, and I started getting attached to them. I told H that was one reason for me to stay out of the lifestyle- it messes with my emotions on multiple levels (attachments, jealousy when I see with another woman, shame when I felt like a hooker), I can't handle it. I don't want to. It sure doesn't bother him to see me f***ing or b**wing another guy. And I'm dealing with the guilt for having gotten attached. That was breaking the rules- "No emotions". Easier said than done for me.
Some people become easily "bonded" (emotionally involved) through physical/sexual contact. If you're wired that way, you're wired that way. No shame in that. Your husband pressured you to play with fire; big surprise, people got burned. An object lesson in the importance of both knowing your boundaries and defending them vigorously, without apology.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
Seems like that should be enough for me to get out- if he can't commit 100% to only me? Is that really too much to ask? Why do we even need to discuss this?
Do you need anyone else's opinion or permission to decide this?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Do you need anyone else's opinion or permission to decide this?
No, those were rhetorical questions. I just it incredible that H and I are even having this discussion. For most marriages, f***ing other people would just be out of the realm of possibilities.
Do you need anyone else's opinion or permission to decide this?
No, those were rhetorical questions. I just it incredible that H and I are even having this discussion. For most marriages, f***ing other people would just be out of the realm of possibilities.
Good Question. Why are you having this discussion?
I'm guessing 99% of people on this board would also agree that screwing other people would not be acceptable.
What worries me is why you're even asking this question?
Has he brainwashed you with guilt and manipulation for so long that you don't even think you deserve that type of R?
I hope you are addressing these self-esteem issues with your C.
I thought being a little proactive might be a good thing, shows a little motivation. I think H's statement demonstrates a lack of commitment/desire to work on things. Oh well- I know what I want to talk about in my half of the session; he can flounder about in his half if he wants.
