I'm actually so glad that I posted about my new developments. I value you all opinion very much and I have count on so much you have said to me, so I'm glad we're able to have this discussion and to get your opinion. Now, I must say, I did tons of thinking about the decision to have a child. In fact, anyone who knows me can tell you how much I contemplate decisions, probably too much, and always strive to make the "right/best" choice. So believe me, this decision was not come to lightly at all and have been contemplated and meditated on for years.
[b]One thing I've learned is that I think prayer works best when you leave that kind of stuff to God. I used to order him around, do this God, do that, restore my marriage, but I think God ultimately knows what's best for us.
Believe me when I say, I am a firm believer in prayers and I have asked God over and over for years to guide me with trying to have my child and then with dealing H. The infertility treatment was huge, especially being from the kind of culture I'm from. I kept contemplating whether infertility treatment is pushing God's hand. And for people who have dealt with this issue its a major decision. And for years now, although H and I have gone to many doctors, we hesitated on doing treatment b/c we felt like maybe God didn't meant it to be. I think that others who don't have infertility issues, really won't understand. But, below I'm now comfortable that God is with me on this decision. I'm sharing with you a passage below that I know this is a God given goal for me. And I also believe like all the other medical knowledge he has bestowed on us, he has given that knowledge to use for good. For example, I realized God gave us the knowledge to do heart transplant and surgery, now one could say when a person hearts fails that it was God's time to bring him or her home but I believe he gave us this knowledge to use for good to help that person. So it took me a loong long time to come to this realization.
I think at some level, maybe deep-down you maybe do hope for a fairy-tale ending, that you and your H will be brought together over a baby, as you think it caused some of your problems. But every marriage has problems, babies bring their share of stress also, and many spouses don't find an OP. I think you mentioned OW about 5 or 6 times in your post and I find that a bit troubling.
First, believe me, I have been DB for several months now to save my marriage. I like all of us here do want my marriage to work. But is that the reason to have a child - NOOOO!!! If that was the case, I would have done this seveal months/years ago. I actually didn't want to have a child to bring him/her into our mess. Even when H came back 3 months ago sayign that he wants us to start a family I said I wanna wait. I in no want this child to get my H back. I would have made that choice a long time ago. To be honest, having this child has nothing to even do with my H. I really made this decsion for me - to follow my dreams. To have someone or people to take care of me when I get old, someone to love and love back. I know I will be a great mother and I will provide a great family for my child with or without H. I kept putting this decision off when I was thinking of H, when I was thinking about our M. Whether we work or not, I want this for now. Now I do know H will be a great father. He has been a good father. Even if we area not together. Funny things is that one of the questions on the consent was would I want the embryos if H passes and I said yes. And he is also ok with that. Quite frankly I have also professed to friends and family I think having a child is a woman's choice, not to please her man or to make the R work, but for herself. And here I am making the decsion just for ME.
I think my H's entire A is troubling!! and if it weren't for our infertility issues it would have been some other issue he would have used to have the A. I am in no way excusing his behavior, Absolutely nOT!! He caused a lot of hurt and damage for me and our families. I do know the infertility thing contributed to our stress and H others issues lead to his poor poor decision. He was absolutely wrong to have the A no matter what our issues were. And he dealt with our issues terribly. I am in fact very disappointed in how he handled things. But I do know that was one of our issues.
Worst case scenario, you are seeing yourself as a single mom. But one thing I've found so tough in this is dealing continuously b/c of my kids with X and the OW. I love my kids, but if I hadn't had them it would have saved me a lot of grief and stress.
When H and first separated, that was my feeling, thank God I don't have children, which would have made things harder. And yes, it would have given the state of mind I was in. But I realized something, that there is no one that has had children regardless or their R with the father or mother that thinks their children it not a blessing. I know its tough dealing with the ex's and children, but it's also tough not having a family one so desire. I could have chosend to use a sperm bank, the thought went through my mind when H and I were distant, but I decided that he is the best choice now and he is the man I do love, given all the bad that has happened. And in his own crazy way/selfish way, I do know he loves me too. I also don't underestimate the difficulty of being a single mother, gosh I would never have ever wanted to be a single mother. And with God's help I do hope I won't have to be, but if that's how it ends up then I am strong enough to deal with it. My mother was a single mother of 6 and it was hard as ever. But you know what, she has 6 beautiful children now to care for her, to love her, to comfort her in her lonely days. Although her and my dad have a terrible relationship, she would never trade us and we bring her so much job and fulfillment. So if H and I don't work, his lost, not mind.
Have you talked to an IC about this?
Yea, I've talked to my mother who is a pastor and to a close friend of H and I who is a former pastor, and they both know H and I situation and they both agree that we should go for it. My mother hates the medical side of it, but as she says, do what you need to do.
Another thing I am thinking is you mentioned your H's family as a source of support for you as a single mom. If at some point, you divorce, I know that changed for me, and I've seen that in other cases here, where the in-laws withdraw their support and rally around the WAS. [/b]
Oh I so know blood is thinker than water, but I can only judge my H's family based on their actions, and throughout my Sep with H, his family have been so supportive of me. In fact our R is still just as close. MIL and SIL calls to check in on me, they have been praying as muich as I have. I completely know that regardless of H, they love me as much I have love them. The only bad thing is taht my R is kinda even closer with them than H's R is. So I know they will love this child no matter what, b/c they have loved me no matter what. Even H's grandparents have said we can't turn our back's on V. It was so sweet.
So hope that answers all questions. I know it is a tough decision, but it is a decision for me.
So here is what inspires me and I hope it inspires others in their sitch too...
"Hebrews 11 is one of my favorite passages in the whole Bible. It's often called "The Hall of Faith" – Noah. Abraham. Joseph. Moses. They all had their own unique dream that God placed in their hearts. Long before they saw their dreams come to pass, they could see them. Can you see your name listed with theirs? God can. The same God who placed dreams in each of these heroes of the Bible has placed a great dream inside of you. Whenever the dream inside you begins to show itself, there will be challenges, adversity and people telling you to give up. But the key is to KNOW that you KNOW that God will make good on His promise … and keep believing in and obeying God even when everything and EVERYONE around you is telling you to quit. No one else can accomplish the dream God gave you. God planted the dream in your heart. No one else can do it for you. Through faith and obedience to God's Word, you can accomplish it, but you've got to take action. Dreams only come true when the dreamer takes action.
If you are unsure of the dream, ask God to give you wisdom and clarity. Maybe you're having a hard time holding on to it because of the pressures of life. Or maybe you've been waiting and this is your moment to step out and move forward in faith!"
