You have progressed quite a bit in the last few weeks. Do not lose sight of that. Actually you should read some of your posts to other people: you sound so strong and mature... It is amazing how much more assertive you are when you are looking at someone else sitch and not your own.
So I have another homework asignment for you, then I will go to my meeting (I am already late, but they'll wait): look at your sitch as if it were someone else's and make a list of recommendations. If it helps, print it out and change the name. But read it and pretend it is your neighbor who is asking for your advice.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Last night on the way home from work, I decided that I must Act As If, even if it killed me. I called H to say that I was going to the store and asked if he had any requests or if we/he needed anything. I got home, started dinner and he said he was going to practice in the basement. I say, OK, and hop in the tub with some fake wine. (you know that flavored stuff like Raspberry Zinfandel? I never get a buzz but it tastes good and it's cheap!) I read some of PSLuke's thread and it helped me.
We eat, I ask if he wants to watch the movie that we got the other night, start it, and promptly fall asleep. The movie ends, I ask how it was, and we go to bed, read, turn out the lights. He rolls over. I ask if he is ok and tell him that he's seemed distant the last couple days. He says he is ok. I was being affectionate earlier, but not hanging on him, just some nice hugs. In bed, I asked him to snuggle, but I put my head on his chest and he didn't put an arm around me. I use that as an indicator to back off/that he needs space.
This morn. we wake up before the alarm clock. I touch him, no response. I ask AGAIN if he is ok (SHUT UP, k!!) he says he is. I sidle up to him and ask if he needs space he says no, so I start to and he responds and all is well...ahem...
At some point it dawned on me that he is just REACTING to ME! I've been emo. and snappish the past couple days and he is probably expecting to happen what used to happen...things would go well for 1, 2, 3, 4 weeks, then all of a sudden BAM! the crap hits the fan and I'm an emo wreck again and chew him up and spit him out. I decide to quit feeling so pissy towards him (thinking, "why does he get so backed off every time I ask for emo support?") Well, duh, he doesn't know what the heck I'm going to do!!
So, I get ready, and say goodbye. Oh, I did say ILy after we ML and he said it back.
Pam, yes, things going WELL is a trigger for me. Opt, thanks for the vote of confidence. I will try that hw assignment soon.
Hi, Please pray that I do not have Meniere's disease. I am going to the ENT at noon, and he may be able to make a determination. I'm not sure. In the bottom of my heart, I really do NOT think that I have it, but I don't want it either!! Thanks! kharvey
What kind of symptoms are you having? I'm a family physician. Is the room spinning? Does it only happen when you move your head a certain way? How long has it been going on ? Any meds or other diseases?
Hmm...I hadn't thought of getting any of that stuff to drink and I believe it has a screw cap doesn't it? Wouldn't have to get the darn opener from CHL!
Gosh, I'm glad reading some of my thread helped you, but I'm afraid to ask why.
Great realization on his responding to your moods. And nice way to start the morning.
So why is things going well a trigger? I'm not sure for me do you have any idea on for you?
I will be thinking of you this afternoon.
Take care
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Oh yeah, a doctor in the house! The room doesn't so much spin as I feel motion sickness/woozy/drunk. It is a general feeling-not necessarily when I move too quickly, but just there. Happens for a few hours throughout the day. I have headaches every day. They will turn into migraines if I do not take SOME kind of analgesic. The other day I took 3 aspirin, 5 amidrine, and 3 ibuprofen with psuedophedrine and my head still hurt. (all day, not at once). Sometimes I feel sinus pain, sometimes not. Sometimes I feel pressure in my ears, at night I can hear them ring like crickets. (Would be peaceful in the woods. ha ha) Headaches usually start after I've been up for a few hours, sometimes I wake up with them. They did find a benign meningioma but said that is not causing prob's. Have Chronic sinisitus. Have asthma-I take Singulair every day, albuterol as needed (few times a week) and Advair when I can get my hands on some samples.
I take generic Apri for birth control (desogen).
I take Wellbutrin but haven't been for the past few days. I take Ativan as needed (never more than 3 mg. in one day-usually one or two or none.)
The headaches I've had since high school. off and on. the dizzy spells have only started in the last few years. Thought they were related to Prozac and paxil. Stopped taking them, felt better. Thought maybe allergies to food, low blood sugar, ??? thought i thought of it all until i heard of meniere's. GTT was 70, 92, 110, 63, 66, 70-so it was below 70 for a couple hours.
the symptoms have all started again on a daily basis since the end of june.
I think I will print this out for the ENT!
Thanks for thinking of me, your prayers, and your help. I'll let you know what I find out. I am coming back to work. k
I forgot to mention nauseau and light & sound sensitivity. Sounds like migraines, no? But I've tried the 'triptans, and I had to take the second one of all of them and it wasn't like, "oh, this is wonderful..."
Ungh! So the ENT says, "are you going to see a neurologist?" That's who sent me to him. Deep breath...uno, dos, tres...He is sending me to get a CT scan of my sinuses which will show if I have Meniere's or not. He says that MRI's over-exeplify sinuses and that mine are not that bad.
Am I getting anywhere yet?
I called H. He said he thinks he is getting sick AGAIN! I think he needs to see a doctor! So, he said he wants to take it easy tonight. I told him I'd take care of dinner.
Pam, Yes, the "fake" wine does have a screw off cap! & it's usually $3.99 or $3.33 on sale!
I feel anxious when we get close b/c...hmmm...I guess it feels too good to be true. Happiness is more foreign to me than having this dark cloud over my head. My anxiety has acted for a self-protection I think, like, "look, he doesn't love you b/c he is doing this or not doing this...put up your guard..." If I feel anxious, then I blame him, get mad at him, close myself off, and distance him. That way he can't hurt ME. Well, so it seems. But, it's not the way it works b/c I am only hurting myself.
Sometimes I ask myself why I am putting myself through this. As many have pointed out, I will only push him away. He wants to give me his heart, I know he does. He already DID! And I've stomped all over it! So, he is now protecting himself.
My parents hurt me a lot as I was growing up. They both used drugs. My dad used to call me names and yell at me when I made mistakes. He'd also drive crazily when he was mad and drove into our garage and porch and stuff. Lots of throwing things, etc. etc. He is also an alcoholic (then? don't know). My mom was very insecure and did not know how to raise a child with self esteem. Now I think she is jealous of me and has told me that she tries to be like me. yuck, but a compliment. They have always acted more like peers than parents. But, most people have had difficult childhoods, so I can't cry over it anymore.
I guess I don't believe that I am lovable or worthwhile. Maybe someday I will be able to believe it wholly! k
K, do you have a history of self sabotage? Am asking, because I sure do. You said something about getting anxious when things start to go well and also something about wanting to push him away or start something. That's why I am asking this.
My old habit of self sabotage..came from low self esteem and insecurity and feelings of worthlessness. I didn't feel I deserved anything good or worthwhile in my life and so messed things up for myself all the time. I did this through my drinking, am recovering alcoholic, and through other behaviors. I have been wrestling with this of late, although sober now, feeling like things aren't good enough, wanting more, wanting to fix the sitch completely...and have all perfect now! So, what to do? Stop, breathe, and relax. Look at all the progress that has been made to date. Focus on good things in R...remember how bad it was...and then realize how much better it has gotten...focus on progress not perfection...
You did a great job on lists! Print those out and read them to yourself whenever you start to feel down. You are a wonderful, worthwhile, amazing woman...don't forget it! And you deserve to be happy...so remember, happiness comes from within. When you love yourself, then you have enough love to love others....and you don't need love from them. So, when you get it ...it's all gravy...extra bonus material....and it sounds to me like you've been getting in some loving with your H as of late, too...wooohooo....that always helps.
The movie ends, I ask how it was, and we go to bed, read, turn out the lights. He rolls over. I ask if he is ok and tell him that he's seemed distant the last couple days. He says he is ok. I was being affectionate earlier, but not hanging on him, just some nice hugs. In bed, I asked him to snuggle, but I put my head on his chest and he didn't put an arm around me. I use that as an indicator to back off/that he needs space. 
and he responds and all is well...ahem...
