wdid...Open and honest sex conversations used to push my ex-h away from me, too. But now I realize it was presicely because I was not open and honest ENOUGH. I was just honest enough to make him feel a sting in his pride, and then I would back off because I couldn't bare to see him in that type of pain. Men's sexual egos are so fraigle, and I could see that immediately. So I backed off each time, never quite getting the full open and honest truth out there to him. He hid behind his perceived insult, and would just mutter things like "great, so now I suck in bed, too". Which would effectively send me backward and make me unwilling to bring the topic up again anytime soon.
But I now know from a closure conversation I had with my ex-h, that he felt "weak and afraid" (his words), and that his only defense was to morally "put me beneath him" (his words). He says he now realizes that a truly moral person would never put someone else beneath them....
So what does this mean in your sitch? Only this: please don't be so afraid of those ego-hurting conversations, as long as they are TRUTHFUL. Be more concerned that him backing you off those conversations is actually a tactic for him to avoid dealing with the problem. It is subconscious, he likely doesn't realize he's backing you off. In his conscious mind, he wants to work on things and wishes it was different. But this may not be enough to break through whatever his true barriers to intimacy are.
Another point is this: when I was in your shoes, I had my own intimacy barriers going on, looking back on it. Why else would I have stayed in a marriage with a man who I knew for certain there would never be any true intimacy with? I may have complained about it, but it took me 15 years to change anything about it, right? In retrospect I can see now that I was insulating myself from intimacy just as much as my ex-h was insulating himself. You probably need to look within and find out why you have put yourself in a situation that will ensure you receive no intimacy. (Its a bit of a mind f*ck to find out within yourself where this leads...)
...Back to being honest with him but ignoring the ego sting...one of the really important things I wish I had done early in my marriage is take my ex-h aside and tell him directly "I'm sorry if this will hurt your feelings, but I do not enjoy the way you kiss. Could we please take some time out, either now or soon, to practice kissing, where I can show and tell you what I like and what I do not like?" And then I would have wished to take the lead on these kissing lessons and be very bold in my direction...because I really do know how I want to be kissed, it should have been easy.
I realize now that he would have been open to this, and would have loved the kissing lessons. His feelings may have stung for only a moment, but then he would have been so happy with the kissing we both could have grown so much together. But instead, what I did was blurt out at some inopportune moment "ugh, I don't like the way you kiss!" to which he recoiled in shame...and then I never said anything about it again.
I was not brave enough to force through the truly open and honest way of handling that particular situation...and sadly enough, I believe if I had been able to do that one thing better, our whole marriage may have been better...for it was just a kiss I was going for with the first time I cheated...all I wanted was one kiss I enjoyed. See my point? Maybe there is still time for you and your H for you to be truly open and honest about these things...accept his getting a dent to his ego but push right through that and get to something fun to do for an exercise?
As for therapy: this is diffficult and your H would have to go do a search for someone qualified and who he works well with. This can usually only be done by someone who has a pretty good idea of what their problems really are. I am sorry that I can't provide any advice that way, but I do suggest he check into sex therapy, not counseling. Sex therapists generally have tools and exercises and book recommendations that counselors do not.
