OK, so my idea didn't pan out last night- and it was my issue, not his. I was waiting for H to shut down his computer last night and come watch TV for a bit before turning out the light. Well, H decided last night to sit at the computer about an extra 1.5 hours longer than normal, and I just didn't have the nerve to go up to him and say that I wanted to talk (I gotta work on that- it doesn't help that part of me just doesn't want to talk to him). It also didn't help that I had a pounding headache by that time, either. But I did just send him a text to that effect: Is there anything in particular that you want to discuss tonight? I was thinking we each should make a list of potential topics.
So, we'll see if he responds. So far, nothing.
One of my topics is the whole swinging issue, our elephant in the room so far ignored- we haven't touched on that yet in our sessions, just in convos between us. I really don't get it- I understand the theory behind it, but I don't get it. H goes against the male stereotype in that he has no issues whatsoever with sharing his wife physically, as long as she doesn't get emotionally attached to anyone else (same goes for him). One of our problems was that there were a couple of guys that I played with more than once, and I started getting attached to them. I told H that was one reason for me to stay out of the lifestyle- it messes with my emotions on multiple levels (attachments, jealousy when I see with another woman, shame when I felt like a hooker), I can't handle it. I don't want to. It sure doesn't bother him to see me f***ing or b**wing another guy. And I'm dealing with the guilt for having gotten attached. That was breaking the rules- "No emotions". Easier said than done for me.
H has said a couple times that there's no guarantee that he won't want to resume the lifestyle in the future if he gives it up now. Why is it so important to him to have variety? (Or at least the freedom to pursue variety- his batting average as a single male in the lifestyle is not stellar.) Seems like that should be enough for me to get out- if he can't commit 100% to only me? Is that really too much to ask? Why do we even need to discuss this?
