Ok, Now a velvet Elvis. Now we are talking! As an aside when my W and I moved into our first "old" house (circa 1921) we bought it with a full attic. One of the items that we uncovered was a velvet Elvis. I still have it today :-) However, it is not on a wall.
Greek, I will be that polished person. And I will make sure it is because I want to be it not for her (I have some work to do on that, but am close to getting there!)
FB...... my arch nemisis. I have considered deactivating. Problem being that I do have friends around the country that use it and its how I keep up with their familes (note - families. Their Ws havent left them....)
So one thought is to deactivate that account with her and reactivate under another name. But... Perhaps the best way is to just grow a set and not worry about the man with NO life. Because I do have a life. I am in control of what I do not her. At least I never got into twittering or myspace......
I neeed to think about your idea some more.......
you do know that on fb you can control which people are visible, ie when they post an update, it doesn't have to appear on your main page, that way when she has updates, you don't have to spend your time reading them and replying to them or reading the replies of others - this way you can keep her as a friend on fb but not have to deal with reading the senseless minutia that she posts everyday.
Robx, thank you for joining. I have read many of your posts and look forward to your opinion here.
I did not know about that feature in FB as I really dont like FB. However, its now a moot point. Last night she defriended me. Ouch. Well, In the end that's OK. Less hassel for me. I suspect she was acting out like a child and was just trying to p*SS me off. It bothered me, now I am over it. Today she met with her C. Wonder if that will drive her to sign the D filing papers. Dont know. Will see her in two hours at school event. May come home with a present, may not. Right now I need to focus on no discussion with her. My goal is 24 hours. This afternoon will be a challenge because of the kids.
I wish I had known that feature, It would have made life much easier......
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Robx, thank you for joining. I have read many of your posts and look forward to your opinion here.
I did not know about that feature in FB as I really dont like FB. However, its now a moot point. Last night she defriended me. Ouch. Well, In the end that's OK. Less hassel for me. I suspect she was acting out like a child and was just trying to p*SS me off. It bothered me, now I am over it. Today she met with her C. Wonder if that will drive her to sign the D filing papers. Dont know. Will see her in two hours at school event. May come home with a present, may not. Right now I need to focus on no discussion with her. My goal is 24 hours. This afternoon will be a challenge because of the kids.
I wish I had known that feature, It would have made life much easier......
- Yes that feature exists in fb, I have a few hundred friends on there, I would be overwhelmed to read everyone's updates, you can pick & choose.
- She was acting out like a child, expect more temper tantrums, if she acts like that in front of you, I would suggest this "STOP! It's extremely unattractive when you act like this, I don't want to look at you much less talk with you, talk calmly & RESPECTFULLY or you can talk with yourself, I'm not rewarding your crap behavior with my attention ANYMORE!" Strong & firm, you don't need to yell but make sure your voice is heard - look her in the eyes when you say this. If she continues with her temper tantrum, you turn your back and walk away from her, leave the room, go to another room and close the door behind you. If she continues to follow you, you tell her "STOP and PLEASE LEAVE NOW."
- Yes being "de-friended"(nice word, not sure that it exists LOL!) on facebook is the ultimate burn these days, no worries, you don't want that kind of friend plus it allows you some mystery, she won't know what you're up to now, it works both ways, trust me on this.
- You don't have to worry about her signing the papers to file for divorce, there is still a fair amount of distance between filing for D and actually getting the D finalized.
- Seeing her in 2 hours at a school event, maintain your distance, don't approach her, sit somewhere else, if she wants, she can locate you but if she doesn't, no worries, she's doing you a favor, you don't need her close to you to remind you of how poorly she is treating you
- Yes expose the OM to his wife, let her know. These affairs are exciting because they're hidden, no one knows about them. Bring them out into the light and watch alot of that excitement fizzle, you see right now they have all the benefits of a relationship without any issues to deal with, now they have issues to deal with, it's not all roses anymore, they have to share stress and that will lead to some negative energy between them.
- The next time you see her tell her that YOU have decided that you are going to contact the OM's W and expose the affair, let your wife have something to worry about for a chance. If she has expectations that she should be able to trust you to keep this secret for her, she is mistaken. You had expectations that you could trust her and be married to her and apparently she didn't care about your expectations. Release any & all expectations on what she does with her life, you gain from this as well, she has no expectations on what you do with your life from now on.
- your frame of mind has to be, why am I pursuing someone who actively & openly disrespects me? There are a million other women out there, 99% of them are easily just as good if not better than your wife - she is holding you back, not the other way around. You need to think this, believe it, permeate this from the center of your being. You are a strong, attractive man with alot of choices in front of him, the world is your oyster and you won't let your wife determine the course of your life anymore. When you truly move on, this is when she will know that the power she held over you is over, this was all her decision to begin with, you are taking back control of your life, you make decisions with regards to your life, not your wife, she can do what she wants with her life, you don't care anymore and you won't settle for her scraps, if she's going to love you, she's going to put some effort into you, otherwise why should you settle? It would make you unhappy in the end to be with someone who doesn't value you as much as you value them.
- scrap this empty nest garbage, it's detrimental to the kids, you are doing your wife a favor by enabling this, she doesn't have any of the stress associated with the separation, in fact you tell her that now that you're separated, she needs to call before coming over, you're going to enjoy your single life now. She can stay where she is right now indefinitely, it's no longer your concern - she has wanted a separation & divorce for so long, she can have it. No more family nights with her either, you just have to get used to doing things with the kids without her and she has to get used to doing the same. I can tell you from my own experience, this really bothered my wife, we were doing this often and afterwards I stopped, she expected it and I would just tell her we were busy and had plans and the kids would call her later if possible. The WAS wants the benefits of the marriage without any of the work or effort - don't give it to her that easily anymore, you're worth much more than this, you need to start believing in your value, you are HIGH VALUE, you have self-respect and that means setting boundaries and not enabling people to disrespect you the way she is currently doing things to you.
- You agree with her, you are for this separation & divorce as well. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't value you or the relationship they have with you. You are going to start focusing on you & the kids and you aren't going to waste your energy focusing on her.
- You want to turn this around, you become the WAS, you're currently the LBS and all your energy & effort hasn't brought the change you've been hoping for. You have to realize that everything you do that will work will be counter-intuitive. GAL'ing means getting a life and not worrying if she knows about it or not. You have to detach and move on and if you do it successfully, you won't have to tell her you're doing it, she'll know, she'll get the hint
- Regardless if you want to admit it or not, you've been pursuing her, maybe to a lesser degree than previously but you still are. And she could sense that and she knew she held all the power in the relationship and she keeps stringing you along with wearing the rings one day, being nice every now & then and pulling the rug out from underneath your feet. How does that feel when she does that to you? You stop doing that, you start pursuing your own life, you're going to be ok, your kids will be ok because you'll make sure of that. You're going to be a strong man & great father to them and you're going to provide them the strength, stability & security that your wife isn't able to provide them with right now.
There is so much more than can be posted, re-read your thread, posters like Coach & Greek have truly given you insight that is worth 10 times it's weight in gold, re-read everything they have posted, you will learn just like most of us, you can read something once and get some value out of it and then re-read it again and then understand something more about it and then visit again and receive even more benefit from it: your eyes are opening, slowly but surely, that is a gift, your intuition & insight will grow on a daily basis, you are experiencing alot of personal growth here.
Compare yourself now to the person you were when this all started and just imagine how you will be a few months from now.
