I have read your story also over at marriage builders. It appears basically everyone is giving you the same advice, which is: your built up resentment is understandable, however, nothing other than your own choice can get you past it. You can choose to forgive her and actively try to restore your marriage and sex life...or you can choose to hold on to the resentment forever. No one can blame you, either way. If you choose to be resentful forever, then that's your choice and it is based on your wife's past actions.
But what you seem to want is some kind of formula that will cause you to lose your resentment. That will not happen, though. It doesn't work that way.
So - either choose to forgive and loosen your resentment, or choose to hold on to it and end up divorced. Again, no one will blame you either way. But please stop asking for a magic formula, as there isn't one. The magic all comes from free will, your will to choose which way you want this to go.