wdid...Aside from the OM phone call issue (which you are dealing with well, I think, by planning to tell him)...I wonder if you can't start a new dialog with H about the sex...I have gathered that you maybe have had the sex discussions with him in previous years, trying to ask him why he doesn't "want you", etc. Correct? I am just curious how any of those discussions turned out. Seems to me that sex is important to you and you have felt unloved and closed off from your H in that department for your entire marriage. That rings a bit close to home for me...
If you recall, I was married for 15 years in a mostly SSM. I cheated once at our 4 year mark, confessed it all to him, we tried to move forward. But eventually, since we never dealt with the SSM issues, they came creeping back and once again I was restless, empty, and searching for something to "wake me up". The SSM was painful for me, and my H could never quite take any responsibility for his share in our problems. I realize now that I have sex addiction issues, and I take all responsibility for my actions. However, I also know now in my current relationship, that I can easily manage my addiction issues within a happy, monogomous relationship. Therefore, I know now that my ex-H and I could have fixed things...but I could not do his part for him. Eventually I cheated on my ex-h again, but didn't confess this time. By then, I realized our foundation was cracked, and I moved out. He did not pursue me, and within 6 months I met the man of my dreams, who I am now married to. We've been together for 5 years now and the sex is always great and always frequent. I know now I need this in order to be happily married. I completely disregard what Allen is saying in this respect. Lack of sex ruined my previous marriage, and frequent quality sex is making my current marriage a heaven on earth. Now, not all people place such a high value on sex, so I understand Allen's point would apply to some people. But others - like myself - will never and can never accept less than all I deserve and need sexually. Why would I ever settle for less again?
So you can see, maybe I can share with you some really relevant feelings and thoughts (in fact, I took pause when I read your short thing about your H's kisses making you irritated...wow, could I relate to that in my previous marriage!) But the one thing I can tell you for sure is that unless you can get your H to understand his part in this and his issues with sex - most of which are obviously not about you but about something within himself - then your sex life is likely dooomed. I won't say your marriage is doomed, because maybe you will stay married without a sex life, who knows. But I've BTDT and can tell you that based on what you are describing, your H will never fully step up to that plate without full on therapy for himself, for HIS issues.
I am sure that the affair did a number on your H's self-esteem and obviously you are now receiving backlash from that. But the SSM that existed before the affair has still not been fixed, and that is the real issue.
Can you combine your OM confession with a full out honest other type of confession, where you confess to your H that you don't know if you will be able to stay with him forever if the sex never improves? Gosh how I wish I would have just said this to my H about 5 years before I left him. I think maybe we would have had a chance. Yes it would have been lots of hard work, but it would have been worth it. I know NOW that we could have fixed it, it was not simply that he was a bad kisser or anything that simple...it was very complex but COULD HAVE been figured out...IF I had his agreement to get on board and get some therapy.
