Spouse Suffering From Depression

[Lucky11too]

I was wondering if anyone here has ever dealt a spouse with severe depression?

My story I’m sure is similar to lots of others. After finding out we were expecting our first child over a year and a half ago, both my husband and I were overjoyed. But soon after that, he changed. He started drinking more and found any excuse to be out of the house all night. Thinking it would get better when our son was born, I held on, but it only got worse. Finally, when my son was 2 months old and being desperate for help (and the fact that he never came home one night, later learning that he was in jail for a drunk in public), I moved back in with my parents. (Also, complicating matters was a supposedly plutonic co-worker who he was always hanging out with because she was the only one who “understood what he was going thru”). Definitely not the man I married! For 6 months I waited, thinking he would come to his senses and beg for forgiveness and ask us to come home. Nothing! Instead, he blamed me for leaving (granted, not the best solution on my part to fix things, but I didn’t know what else to do at the time), was angry, resentful, hurtful, and at one point suicidal. Finally, this past June, I stopped waiting and decided to start acting. I read divorce busting, and as soon as I read the section on depression, the light came on – all the negativity, the blame, the victimization – it was the depression (or at least most of it). He finally came to recognize that he is suffering from severe depression, but the problem is, still won’t do anything about it. So, after 4 months of divorce busting, I feel he has come to trust me slightly more as a friend, but with this roller coaster of depression, I know we can truly never repair our marriage or our family.

Has anyone ever dealt with a similar situation with any success? Any suggestions on how to get someone who does not want to get help to get help?

[Gardener]

Lucky, I didn't have such a spouse, but in several ways I was such a spouse.
Can you get him to your family physician? Or call the Doctor, explain the sitch and have the doctor intervene and call him in for a physical or some other pretense?
I, for one was delighted when I was diagnosed with Depression. Finally I knew what was wrong and I wasn't going crazy!
The meds worked so well. As did testosterone replacement therapy (a component, often, of depression).

Dr. should discuss the drinking, too. This is not good. 12-step or other program should be looked at. I chose Rational Recovery and it worked from day 1.

[Lucky11too]

Thank you for your response Gardener. It’s interesting to hear from someone from the other side of depression. I’m so glad the medications worked for you! Did you at any point ever fear getting help or taking the medication? And how did you get to a point where you were ready to overcome the alcoholism? I just feel so frustrated sometimes b/c I can’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to get help and feel better. He always says how miserable he is and how much he hates his life. If nothing else, I just wish him relief from this depression demon, so that he can live a happier life and be a better father to our son. I know it’s a choice that he has to make on his own though – to get help and take the medications – otherwise, he will never follow thru with it. The doctor idea is a good suggestion and although we do not have a family doctor, and he, in his downward spiral, let his insurance lapse, it’s something to look in to. And yes, the alcoholism is definitely a problem! I’m not totally surprised as I’ve read how often it goes hand in hand with depression, but it is definitely an issue that he will need to be overcome. Thanks so much for your feed back.

[Gardener]

lucky,
To answer your questions:
I never feared getting help or taking the meds. Although I must say I usually avoid pharmaceuticals and most anti-depression meds can lead to erectile difficulty. So I was wary. But I was so relieved at the prospect of relief, I signed on enthusiastically. i have since been tested for Amino Acid deficiencies after reading Dr. Mark Hyman's The UltraMind Solution. As I increase certain amino acid supplements, my Dr. is weaning me off the meds.

Re the alcohol, I never drank much. But i hit a point where for about two years i was drinking daily. Not heavily. Just 2 o3 glasses of wine when I got home from work. Just a low grade buzz that got me through the evening. I was self-medicating (as is your husband, no doubt). One night, however I had a bit more and did get drunk. And that scared the sh!t out of me since my father was a raging alcoholic. My wife came home and saw me. I fessed up. We went to counseling together and I quit Feb 6, 2006. Fortunately with never a temptation, a white knuckle moment or anything. Just stopped. Rational Recovery, which I opted for over 12-step for a host of personal reasons resonated with me from the beginning. Alcohol abuse can be many things, the book said. Sometimes it's simply a case of stupid behavior in a no-stupid person.
I know I over-answered (I usually do) but I hope it helped.

[Lucky11too]

Thank you for being so open. I will take a look at that book and recovery program and if/when he is ready, I will be ready to support him!

[12bar]

Hi Lucky

Sorry you are here and that you are having to deal with a depressed spouse. I hear that it can be extremely draining for the non-depressed spouse and I admire you for having the strength to look for answers.

I just feel so frustrated sometimes b/c I can’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to get help and feel better.

My WAW feels the same way, it is a big source of resentment for her right now that it took so long for me to get help. I am a depressed spouse and I know firsthand how things can spiral downward to a point where a person can know that something is wrong but feel completely helpless to do something about it. I guess that I knew that I needed to get help and to improve the quality of my life but just felt a sense that my situation was hopeless. It took my wife telling me that she wanted to separate to kick me into gear. I got into therapy and have made some measurable progress. If I had known how much my depression was affecting my wife, I would have gotten it together much sooner I think.

Does he know how much his depression is affecting you? He may think he is the only one suffering through this.

I hope you are able to get him into treatment because it does help. Hang in there, I know it's tough.

-HBH

[12bar]

Hi Lucky

After reading some more, I wanted to clarify something in the post above. He obviously must know that he is affecting you in some way but maybe he thought you were frustrated with him for being depressed (hence why he has come around a bit since you have been DBing). For me, I knew my W was annoyed and frustrated by my depression but I had no idea that it was draining her emotionally and that it was essentially killing her love for me. Maybe you could talk to a therapist to find the best way to approach him with how his depression is impacting not only him but also those who love him.

-HBH

[Lucky11too]

HBH,
That is a good point. Before I understood about the depresssion, I definitely blamed him for him actions. Now after learning more about depression (and DBing), I have been a lot more understanding and sympathetic for what he is going thru. Even so, I definitely feel the emotional drain every day. So from the other side of it, what things did your wife do/say that set your depression off more or that pushed you away (so I can avoid the same pitfalls) and what (if anything, besides her final declaration to separate) was she able to do that seem to help you?

I was reallly surprised to learn how wide spread depression really is. I'm so glad to hear that treatment is working for you! I wish you continued progress in your depression and relationship with your wife!

[awest1217]

Believe me, I understand the emotional drain. H is not depressed that I know of but has other problems. I agree with talking to H about how this affecting you, but do not be accusatory. You need to just talk about your concern. In my sitch, a week ago last sunday I told H about my concerns for him. Not talking about how he is being horrible or not doing what he should be, and he seemed more open. Then after being home for two weeks, he realized on his own how he needed help. I just showed my love and expressed my concern and he felt something was missing and he could not blame it on me. He said I had done everything right, besides my being affectionate enough, which I told him I wanted to be but was worried he didn't want to be, but he was not really trying and wants to.

By loving your husband and expressing your concern for his health or anything else, you can help guide him to his own realization. If you force it, he might run the other way. Also get a ton of rest and make sure you have a good support group to help you. It is hard without those two things because it is draining, especially with a young son. Hope things keep going in a positive direction for you.

[Lucky11too]

Thanks Awest. H just makes it so hard. It seems like whenever I try to show my concern for him, he somehow finds a way to twist everything back into a negative light. He is just so set that his life is horrible and that there is nothing that can be done to change it (total fallacy of course, but he can't get that thru his depressed brain). Of course I will continue to show my love and concern and pray that he will realize that he wants more than what his life is becoming...

We are supposed to hang out together with S this weekend. Since this is rare, I plan on avoiding all R talk and just give him a chance to really enjoy our company and see what a wonderful W and S he is missing out on. I will plan on having the "I'm concerned for you" talk at another point.