I'm still here, in LimboLand. I have done some struggling the past few days. Since seeing my H hit new, intense lows (so incredibly low) a week or two ago, I guess a part of me thought that maybe he might start pulling out that mirror. Maybe he did pull out a little pocket mirror but put it right back where he got it. Some of the things he said/did that made me think he was thinking now seem like a figment of my imagination.
I just don't get it but I am not MLC crazy I guess. I am seeing him backtrack and cycle through some of the crap he has done in the past few months to try to make himself feel better - clothes buying jag, etc. It hasn't worked in the past, so why are we going there again? It is unbelievable to me that he doesn't GET it. And I know, I know, I know . . . this is a looooooooong process. When I saw him cycling through some of this before he did give the impression of being "happy" but now I don't get that from him.
So the jackassery continues.
And I am struggling to refocus and reset my expectations back to zero again. It is so hard. I am still seeing lots of flashes of the "real" H which as I have said before I think makes the crazy seem even crazier - the two just don't go together.
Focus, focus, focus! That is my goal for the week.
It is nice to be able to understand this but honestly, trying to will drive you absolutely crazy.
Recognize the behavior, understand that it is MLC and just go with that….You will spin a lot less.
I posted this on my other thread but it bears repeating. Something I received from someone who has been on both sides of the fence.
Thank you to the person who shared this with me.
"Coming out of the MLC tunnel is very painful for the MLCer and that explains all the stops and starts. Denial is such a massive player in a MLC - and I swear it fights tooth and nail to keep the MLCer deluded.
You might find it is very hard to be the strong, enlightened one at this point. It's just so NOT FAIR - lol. But with a little faith, perseverance and luck - you can do this."
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks so much for the reminders. It helps to try to keep it in perspective. That these behaviors that are just to uncharacteristic of the man I have known for almost 20 years are due to intense pain and confusion. I talked to my one friend outside of the boards who knows a lot about the situation this morning and she reminded me that with all the pain he is going through right now, he really doesn't need me to "abandon" him as well - some days I feel like throwing in the towel. That day may come down the road, but for me it shouldn't be yet.
I think with most things we as sane human beings feel that understanding helps us to cope but in this case there is no understanding of what is going through their heads- coping has to be reached other ways.
Sigh. Yes it is unfair. But then so many things about life are . . . we just need to learn to deal with it.
I am going to say this with as much grace as I can.
I understand what your friend told you. However, thinking like this will keep you stuck.
You are not abandoning him if you are making your life for you. You are not abandoning him if you are happy.
As long as you are breathing, I doubt that you will ever totally abandon him.
However, the most that you can do, really and truly the most that you can do, is move forward for yourself. Take a step everyday. Even if it is a teeny tiny one.
You can let him know you are there. You can make your home a safe environment in case maybe he decides to come around. You can work on yourself and make yourself and even greater TF than you are right now.
But you can’t worry about abandoning him. He has to walk his path. He has begun this journey and he needs to finish it.
If and when the time comes for you to be done, you will know. If you continue as you are going now, you will also know that you have done everything you could to stand. I’m glad you recognize that when you feel that way right now, it is just out of frustration.
You are doing good. Very good.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Don't worry, I am not planning on not making my life for me by not abandoning him. I am still trying to move forward and do things for me and the kids, even if it is one baby step at a time.
I guess I am just doing my own cycling. I am feeling better this afternoon, less frustrated and angry. It comes and goes and I just pray for the grace to deal with this day to day.
