Problems after the affair...Rebuilding

[karen43]

*What will I do if contact reoccurs? (YEAH, WHERE DOES THIS END. WILL I CONTINUE TO KEEP IT FROM HIM OVER AND OVER? I SAID LAST TIME THAT IF HE CONTACTED ME AGAIN THAT I WOULD HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. AND, HERE WE ARE. IT IS JUST THAT THIS TIME HE SAID SOMETHING LIKE HE COULD TELL I'VE MOVED ON AND SO HE NEEDS TO AS WELL. SEEMED FINAL TO ME. IT'S BEEN OVER 9 MONTHS SINCE THE LAST CONTACT.)

Okay, the 9 month thing sounds like a defense to me. You've asked him to not contact you and no contact means none, not in 3 months or 6 months or 9 months. You need to change your contact info to all the ways he contacted you recently whether or not you tell your husband. If he then contacts you in future, I think you should warn him you will go to the police re: stalking/harassing you. You are not the guilty party in this, the OM is, but you do have to be proactive in protecting your family and yourself against him.

*ARe the affair addiction chemicals still high due to the fact he is close and it is causing continual triggers? MAYBE. WHAT CAN I DO? I CAN'T MOVE. I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH THIS OM. I KNOW THIS. I CAN'T HELP THAT THE THOUGHTS ARE THERE. I STOP THEM AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

It's obvious to me that you are def. more unhappy and having these thoughts recently because of the contact with OM. They used to say that every time contact is made with an OP, the clock goes back to zero, and you have to go through the withdrawal process again.

*What did I like about myself when I was having affairs? GOOD QUESTION. I LIKED MY SEXUAL OPENESS, HOW I LOOKED, MY SENSE OF HUMOR, HOW INDEPENDENT I WAS, HOW FUN I WAS, HOW LOVING I WAS,...

I've read about this, and they suggest you bring some of those feelings/behaviors into your marriage, you can still look good, laugh at life, be independent, and do fun things, and be a loving person.

*Will the OM ever be "dead" to me? I REALLY DOUBT IT. YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE AWAY A MEMORY. I WAS "SEPARATED" FROM MY H, AND GAVE MYSELF THE 'RIGHT' TO 'GO THERE' WITH MY FEELINGS. IT WASN'T RIGHT, BUT THAT IS WHAT I DID. THE OM IS NOT WHO I WANT TO BE WITH, I KNOW THAT, BUT THE MEMORIES ARE THERE.

I think this might be something like I went through when I was in love with my first boyfriend who I dated for about 1.5 years. When we broke up, I had him on my brain and would dream about him every night, even though I had met and was dating my H. With less and less contact, you still have the memories, but the thoughts and dreams and that go away. And I barely ever have memories either. But we did have no contact between us.

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Answers to questions about ssm- We hug (he initiates more than me, actually). We kiss (like friends, but on the lips). We sleep next to each other, but no touching. These haven't changed much from before the affair and now.

Sounds like you've gotten into a roommate groove. I understand you have sexual issues, but no touching?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yeah, it took me awhile, but I'm seeing what you are saying. See my post before yours.

This ain't easy, kid. These are a large, scary gators we'z wrasslin' with.

Puppy

[dday101798]

I've been avoiding this, but can't much longer as nobody has said anything that I noticed to the effect: Don't you think your H already thinks you STILL communicate with OM? I would.

My two sents on the issue here, it seems the PA portion has ceased, but not the EA end of it. I think you're balking from telling your H because you're just not up to letting that euphoria go yet. Only when you are, you will. And then, only then the 'right thing to do' would be to tell OM goodbye [literally - no calls, texts e-mail, airplane messages, smoke signals, NOTHING], once and for all, THEN tell your H that there HAD BEEN contact, but you've told OM to go away once and for all.

[whatdidido]

Ok, I'm there with telling my H now. Need advice on that. Like I said, I'm afraid the dam will break and I will hurt him with things I don't need to.

I'll block OM from email. He wasn't suppose to know this email. I never used it with him that I remember. It is my name so he must have figured it out. Also, while on the topic, please don't use my real name here in DBland. The phone number can be talked about with my H when I tell him of the contact. I'm guessing he won't want to change it, but we'll see. He may want to get caller id again so I can see who is calling before I answer.

No, my clock isn't set back. These are not new thoughts. Just trying to work on my marriage and struggling.

Good to hear eventually these OM thoughts will go away. I do admit they are less. Like I said, I believe when my H and I get closer it will make a world of difference.

Yep, roommate groove...working on changing that.

dday- If my H thinks I communicate with xOM he isn't saying anything. There is no EA here. I don't want to be with OM, I just miss the feelings of being in a relationship. My H and I are only friends right now. I already said goodbye to OM.

I will tell my h.

[whatdidido]

Earlier, Hope said to say this:

Maybe you just say to him, "OM sent me an email out of the blue. I didn't respond and I don't want to ever speak to him again, but I thought you should know so you'd know I'm not hiding anything from you".

?????Thoughts?

[dday101798]

dday- If my H thinks I communicate with xOM he isn't saying anything.

I would say a continued lack of intimate contact with you is, I know that's how I'd react.

[whatdidido]

dday- If my H thinks I communicate with xOM he isn't saying anything.

I would say a continued lack of intimate contact with you is, I know that's how I'd react.

This isn't anything different for us, though. Been like this for years. I will find out if you are right tonight, after I tell him, though.

[dday101798]

Maybe I'm injecting too much of my own personal thought in this, sorry if so. The way I see it, my M was pretty stagnent in that department as well. I will say, after we had a a month long 'fight' we spent the next month having the greatest time of our M before it all fell apart (ie - tons of intamicy).

Knowing we could have those good times only backed my arguement that if she would (have) just given R a real fighting chance, I'm sure it would have been even better. BUT, only until I was fully convinced that OM was 100% hasta-la vista, la bye-bye, I would be very hesitant if not completely unwilling to engage in any intimate moments.

And, much that men aren't given the credit, I would suspect your H as I would can sense that OM still pops in and out your head.

[whatdidido]

Yeah, I wish my H and I had those hot times in our marriage. But, we never have. We don't have anything to look back on that way. Yes, we were intimate...infrequently and there were always issues there....always awkward in some way. I know it is not helping my h to probably know that the OM pops in my head.....I only have made a huge problem all the more big.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Earlier, Hope said to say this:

Maybe you just say to him, "OM sent me an email out of the blue. I didn't respond and I don't want to ever speak to him again, but I thought you should know so you'd know I'm not hiding anything from you".

?????Thoughts?

This is PERFECT.

Less is more.

Puppy