Hi, Sat. night we ended up just going out to eat and then we got a movie, came home, and watched tv not the movie, went to bed. Sunday we ML, but I was still sore from LAST saturday! He played cars, I went out with my friend to shop/have coffee. I came home and walked the dogs, was dizzy, laid down. H called friend to bike ride and told me that he would understand if I didn't go b/c I wasn't feeling well. Wanted to go anyway. On the trail asked H for the truck keys to turn around and go back. I was having trouble breathing - I took acetaminophen and was around the dogs so my asthma was acting up. Took my novel to read in case that happened. They got back, we went out to eat.
I maintained myself during dinner, but as I rode back, I was crying and in the truck. Later, I told H that I wasn't trying to shut him out, that I was having trouble coping. He told me to stop the gloom and doom (nicely) and to come watch the Simpson's halloween episode. We watched tv and went to bed early to read. He turned over to go to sleep, i got mad and said, "no goodnight kiss?" He turned over to kiss me, then turned back. I asked if he wanted to snuggle and he told me to spoon him so i did for a little while. i felt miserable.
This morn. I got up and couldn't quit crying. I am having a serious issue with my pride and not being "able" to ride...fearing that there is something permanently wrong with me. talked to h this morn. for 10-15 min. about it. told him that i didn't want this to get in the way of our progress and that i was scared, etc. he told me that it won't unless i continue to dwell on it, that i am going to the dr. tuesday, and that if i can't play sports, i can take up the sax. (i've talked about it.) i asked for hugs and tried not to cry too much.
i am having other anxiety as well that is causing me to think negatively about him. I know he is trying, I feel like pushing him away again.
my head is hurting so bad today and crying is not helping. i must muster up the energy to act as if tonight or else he won't want to be around me. -i'm afraid that if i am not happy all the time that he won't want to be around me. sheesh, the pressure i am putting on myself.
