Now I completely agree that this could be overanalysing but when does monitoring the results cross the line into becoming overanalysing.
As puppy edluded to, when you can close the door after she leaves and say to yourself, 'well, that went well and she seemed okay with me' is monitoring. Sitting here a day later and questioning everything that trasnpired, is over analyzing.
As you say, you don't want to sitting here later on down the road and still pondering those questions? Then as said, take it for what it's worth and carry on. Do not question what Friday will bring. Go forward candidly and care free. She's already left, what's the worst that can happen now?
As for all the overpowering emotions, well, let's face it, now matter what, they are there, we are human after all, but they need to be regulated and dealt with accordingly.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I think we are to monitor ACTIONS. Not WORDS, or MOODS. Because words usually mean NOTHING, and moods CAN mean nothing, or they can mean something, or they can even be COUNTER (in affairs, for example, "GOOD = BAD" and "BAD = GOOD", as it's usually when they've had their OM/OW fix that they are in a good mood, and usually when they're in a BAD mood, there's trouble in Paradise).
I was given this advice, and I think it's good: "Only when her actions align with her words, over time, will you know she is telling you the truth."
Another example of "Actions, not Words" would be the threat of divorce. If a wayward/walkaway spouse keeps spouting "Divorce!", but never actually files, we are to make note of that and keep doing what we're doing, despite their threats.
Another example of "Actions, not Words" would be the threat of divorce. If a wayward/walkaway spouse keeps spouting "Divorce!", but never actually files, we are to make note of that and keep doing what we're doing, despite their threats.
My W said she wanted a divorce just after she left - nothing mentioned since then. Not even at the 'there is no future for us' talk.
I am the one moving forward with the separation agreement. She has done nothing.
I think her motives are financial though but no matter, I HAVE to move it forward to protect myself.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
Another example of "Actions, not Words" would be the threat of divorce. If a wayward/walkaway spouse keeps spouting "Divorce!", but never actually files, we are to make note of that and keep doing what we're doing, despite their threats.
My W said she wanted a divorce just after she left - nothing mentioned since then. Not even at the 'there is no future for us' talk.
OK, sooo, Grasshopper. How do you interpret this, DBing-wise?
My W said she wanted a divorce just after she left - nothing mentioned since then. Not even at the 'there is no future for us' talk.
OK, sooo, Grasshopper. How do you interpret this, DBing-wise?
And yes, this WILL be on the test.
Puppy
I interpret this as more of the script. Her actions and words don't match and therefore I keep going on with what I'm doing. If she really wanted a divorce and to be with the OM so badly, she'd have got the separation agreement herself.
I keep coming back to that quote in DR - don't believe anything that they say and only 50% of what you see.
Hope that was the right answer :-)
Last edited by P17; 10/20/0903:00 PM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
I would add this as well: and moods CAN mean nothing, or they can mean something, or they can even be COUNTER (in affairs, for example, "GOOD = BAD" and "BAD = GOOD", as it's usually when they've had their OM/OW fix that they are in a good mood, and usually when they're in a BAD mood, there's trouble in Paradise).
OR it could mean that they are in a bad mood as they are spending time with the LBS / kids.
In my case, W was clearly unhappy yesterday and from what I've seen (from Facebook) there WAS trouble in paradise. However it could also be that she had to spend time with me and that's why she was unhappy! :-)
I am trying to put it down to the fact she was just unhappy ... full stop. Trying not to analyse. Could be a million things from trouble in paradise to not having enough money!
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
Listen to Puppy. It's super-hard not obsess or overanalyze. I know...I did it too. Your description of your family day was agonizing and tortured. "She lifted an eyebrow, held her breath and only sang on the chorus of the ABBA songs, is my marriage over?"
Dude...this kind of paranoid hyper-awareness and scrutinty will kill you and smother her. You are suffering from post traumatic stress, or something like that.
Maybe, for now, you need to get her to agree that when she spends time with your daughter, it's on her own, with no OM present. At your current state, the "family days" are killing you. You can re-instate family days when YOU are ready and strong.
Dancing class is great!!! I suggest you add something like boxing or karate to build your warrior strength. DO the NMMNG exercises.
My W said she wanted a divorce just after she left - nothing mentioned since then. Not even at the 'there is no future for us' talk.
OK, sooo, Grasshopper. How do you interpret this, DBing-wise?
And yes, this WILL be on the test.
Puppy
I interpret this as more of the script. Her actions and words don't match and therefore I keep going on with what I'm doing. If she really wanted a divorce and to be with the OM so badly, she'd have got the separation agreement herself.
I keep coming back to that quote in DR - don't believe anything that they say and only 50% of what you see.
Hope that was the right answer :-)
A-.
Remember, most wayward spouses -- and nearly all wayward women -- like to have a "soft place to land." A backup plan. So just don't interpret her lack of action as a sign of genuine remorse, professed love for you (although I do think she still loves you), or anything else that would make you go "A-HA!" It could be nothing more than "plate-spinning." (You know, like that guy on the old Ed Sullivan Show or Bozo's Circus that would keep all those plates spinning on the sticks. Right now, FOR WHATEVER REASON, your wife is trying to keep both of her plates spinning (you and OM), or else she would have filed.)
