Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

I also would advice not to make either of your daughters the middle men. If W calls to talk about schedule or the girls, you should take the call, and not shuffle through them because that is not good for them.

Yes. You are right. W just called now to go over scheduling stuff. I'm in a bad place mentally with her right now. I want her to crumble and I'm not hearing that.

Patience, patience, patience. I have to remember it wasn't even two weeks ago that we had our last bad R talk.

On a positive note -- for me. I've saved up the money for the girls Christmas presents. I'm spending the same amount I did last year -- or 50 percent of what we spent together.

It'll be a good Christmas for the girls on my end. Although it will be hard on D10. She had a long talk with my cousin last night. D10 didn't realize my cousin's parents divorced when she was young and she was part of an intense struggle between the two for five years.

If things go well, that's the last time I'll hear from W this week.

[ClingingToHope]

Another thing I'm starting to really dislike. I meet the kids when they get off the bus after school every day. I love this hour I get to spend with them. But I have to do it at my old house.

I hate being there now. It's no longer my home. I'd really rather the girls get dropped off at the apartment.

I won't say anything now and will suck it up for this school year. Who knows where W will be living next school year. She says she wants to sell the house -- and I won't stand in her way -- but it's going to take months to even get it on the market at the pace she's doing things over there.

I used to like noticing how little was happening -- proof I was a major contributor there -- but honestly now I just want to be comfortable and I'm not over there.

[ClingingToHope]

A small worry. After D10's swim practice, I dropped her off at W's house (my old house) and I didn't go to the door with her. I didn't want to see W -- am I being too obvious? -- but I also didn't get to say hi and goodbye to D7.

With D10 swimming, I'm going to see her more often than D7 and I don't want D7 think I'm favoring one over the other. I'm going to have to figure out a way for one-on-one time with D7.

W? She's apparently sewing some costumes for a theater troup D10 was in until this year. This group has been in town three years and D10 was a bit player in all seven of its plays. W loved it beause she was in charge of costumes for all seven.

It became her thing -- as well as D10 -- although it was more important to W. It was her new hobby. Of course, she blew about $5,000 of our money on these plays, which became a source of tension.

This year, now that we are separated, she told D10 she could only do one play. She can't afford all three. D10 told her she didn't want to do any -- she doesn't like the plays they picked -- and she'd rather swim. D10 said W is upset with that.

Oh well. It's the path she has chosen.

[awest1217]

[/quote] With D10 swimming, I'm going to see her more often than D7 and I don't want D7 think I'm favoring one over the other. I'm going to have to figure out a way for one-on-one time with D7.

[/quote]

I completely agree with this. You need to find something that you and D7 can do together just hte two of you so you can foster a good relationship with her. Also like everyone else has been saying focus on your daughters. Do what is in their best interest because they are most important and will probably have the hardest time with this because they don't understand what is happening. All they know is they want their mom and dad. If you don't want to see W, maybe call D7 to say good night. Can you afford a dad-daughter cell with just enough minutes to call and say good night? Also that way W can call them to say good night and you don't ever have to talk unless it is about scheduling?

[mishka422]

A suggestion about something to do together to make D7 not feel left out.

Is she creative? Like to draw? Take her to one of those pottery studios where she gets to pick out a piece of pottery, paint it and they keep and fire and glaze it for you to pick up later. It's loads of fun, gives you plenty of time to interact, and gives her something to hold on to to remember the fun time she had with you.

It's all about making memories, not just playing taxi.

[ClingingToHope]

Awest and Mishka, good suggestions.

I was hoping W would sign up D7 for dance class. It's on Tuesdays and I could have taken her there and back every week.

W did not do it because she didn't have the $90 for the class and another $60 for shoes and dance outfit.

I offered to pay for it and just deduct half at the next paycheck.

She didn't respond. I'm guessing she couldn't find the time to drive up to the dance studio and fill out the paperwork. With W, her job is always top of list and the rest of us fall below. Of course, now that I'm not there she hints at how she has to concentrate on work EVEN MORE.

She's stuck in middle management at an insurance company -- where the execs are nervous because of the health care refrom debate -- and, IMHO, her job is the root cause of her unhappiness. She hates the work but makes too much to leave it.

I may stop in to the dance studio today and see if there's time to sign her up this session or if we have to wait until the winter session.

[ClingingToHope]

W finally responded on the dance classes for D7. The class was full by the time she got around to filling out the paperwork.

D10 had her first missing assignment of the school year. She was freaking about how W will react. I told her things will be fine, she's doing much better this year overall.

Good things today. D10 got a solo speaking role in her school's musical, which she wanted. Plus, because the director has been sick, it was moved to November. It was scheduled for the same day as the Miley Cyrus concert in Chicago -- Oct. 27 -- and D10 was going to skip the concert if she got a solo.

Now she can do both. I'm happy because the $250 I spent on the tickets won't go down the drain.

Also, I scheduled a weekend in Wisconsin Dells for the three of us in November. They have a teacher institute day the Monday after one of my weekends. So I'll have them from Friday night until Tuesday morning when I put them on the school bus.

We're going to the Wilderness Resort, which is the top place in the Dells. We stayed there as a family -- with W -- five years ago.

I know it sounds like I'm a "Disneyland Dad." But I've always been like this. I like to save and plan special trips. To me, life is about the memories you build. W has always been more of a "keeping up with the Joneses" type of person.

Finished the night by going to my marriage rebuilders class. The subject tonight was Love and Respect. Lots of things to digest from tonight's discussion.

[ClingingToHope]

Was thinking more about showing appreciation. Last night I was telling my group at my marriage rebuilders class that I'm having problems even saying thank you when W does something nice -- like having all of the kids stuff ready to go when I pick them up.

I'm just so angry. It's like I read in another post, all or nothing. Friends isn't a possibility right now.

But that's counterproductive.

I was thinking today that if I pick my kids up from a neighbor's house or a friend gives me a ride, I thank them. That's just common courtesy. So perhaps it's just a matter of how I view my W now. I'm going to try to not view her as someone who has rejected me and turned my life upside down but instead as essentially the caretaker of my children, which gives me the chance to pursue other ventures -- writing and publishing a book, excelling at work, finding a more compatible partner, rebuilding my finances.

In that light, I'm grateful for all the help I get from her.

The financial stuff has been hard today. I need a tooth implant and it's not covered by our insurance. So it's going to cost $2,300. My W has had three -- she had dental issues going back to childhood because her parents went cheap on their dentists. Each time I found a way to pay for them without having to go into debt.

This time? No way around it. I'll have to borrow money to pay for it. I'm not happy about it. But that's life.

[awest1217]

The key is to look for small things. If W is being considerate then take that as a small step. I mean if she has everything ready then don't have to stay at the house as long, which you said you felt uncomfortable about. W might be picking up on that (maybe) and trying to help you out. That is at least nice. I know it is hard and today on the way home I started thinking negatively so I had to practice thought stopping. It didn't work, but then I got home and did anything I could to get my mind off of it, and it lead to a really pleasant, although hectic, night. Look for the positives because those are less energy draining than always looking at the negatives and getting madder and madder.

[ClingingToHope]

The D train is picking up speed. Had the girls tonight. Took them to PetSmart. While they were playing with cats W called. She talked for a while about D10, who all of a sudden is getting Ds and Fs on assignments. Things had been going great and now she's backsliding.

When that was over I asked her about my options for a tooth implant. She said I should check whether my company has a flex plan option. I said I thought I was staying on her insurance next year and she said once the D is final they kick me off and that should be mid-year.

I asked if she was filing soon and she said yes. To my credit, it's the first time I've held up when she began talking D, I asked her if she'd looked into collaborative divorce. It's new in Illinois. Both sides hire attorneys but sign an agreement that all four will work out agreements fair to both sides.

It's less damaging than a contested divorce and more fair than a do-it-yourself divorce since both sides have attorneys to consult.

She didn't anything about it. She said she wanted to just split everything up 50/50 and be done with it. I said it's a little more complicated than that. The big thing being her pension is worth at least $30,000 more than my IRA and I'd want a share of that.

She thought I couldn't have the money until she retired. I told her an attorney said there is a motion we could file to pull money out of pension funds in special cases such as divorce.

I was very business like. Not friendly but not mean. I told her she was going to end up having to pay a fairly large chunk to divorce me when you figured in all of the debt I'm paying on that she ran up.

We said our goodbyes and hung up and I've been going to pieces ever since.

I am going to hate every single step of this. I've hated every step so far. I've called everyone I could -- somewhat at the expense of the girls who have been wondering what's wrong.

The D train is staring me in the face and yet I cling to strands of hope. During our conversation, she told me about Saturday night. She went to a local bar with an old friend who has gone through two divorces -- cheating on both husbands -- and she said two of my friends were mean to her and two were nice.

The people she is hanging out with are all divorced and I'm sure telling her how great it is. I have to remember I've only been out of the house five months. The first two months I lived with a friend and couldn't keep the girls so she was always with them. So really it's just been three months and six weekends that she could act "single" and head out with friends and get drunk without worrying about a husband at home.

And it was two weeks ago I crumbled when talking about the holidays, allowing her to throw the "I never loved you" line at me again.

One of the people I called was my sister and I asked her if she noticed if Bev didn't love me. She said it appeared as if Bev loved me too much. That she was too wrapped up in what I said or felt.

I don't believe that she never loved me. That being said, there were some weird things early on, shudders when I touched her on nights where she wasn't in the mood, that felt strange. But I've always chalked that up to her promiscuous teen years where she was with a lot of guys because she didn't have confidence that her personality could keep a guy, she thought she had to put out.

She has a lot of issues she needs to work on. Instead, she's pinning her unhappiness on me. I know this. I know my only chance is to detach and GAL and just get on with things.

But tonight, after this talk, it is just sooooo hard. Of course, sleeping pill is starting to kick in. Thank God for pharmaceuticals.