Thanks so much Pearl for checking back in. It feels frustrating when you think you'll doing so well and have moved on, and then feel like back to square 1 seeing him and all those emotions come flooding back. I need to start visualizing life more and more without him, i know (easier for course when he was away) and really think about what I want. I have some good new activities and hobbies and things to look forward to, just miss the comfort of him, specifically, and also of a partner.
About staying east, I had decided to stay here for the time being more for me...b/c I've been enjoying visits to NY and DC with friends, trying to make the most of my east coast experience (i've been back here for 14 years so a move all the way back to CA is a big step!) and even made some new friends in Boston... so it's fine for now with my cozy apt and my home office...but it's not long term, I know that. I had renewed my lease but planned to make a move come the new year. I also wanted to get us figured out before I move, but not waiting per se on him. I don't know why he doesn't just do it (file, get on with the D) if that's what he wants... how long am I willing to wait? I think he's probably waiting for me to do it, but that is what I struggle with, it is truly hard for me to take the initiative to go ahead and file when I don't want this D at all (or don't believe in walking away from marriage without getting some good counseling/support)? But I know he's not my husband right now anyway, purely on paper.
I think it was probably good for him to see me upbeat and happy, not needy or anything, but I dont think it changes things for him either. I hadn't felt in limbo over the summer months (i felt like i'd moved on spiritually, if you will), and for some reason w him back i feel a bit in limbo again.. at least I have some tools to draw upon that i didn't before.
I am also trying to navigate the dating thing, and get myself out there (it's a distraction if nothing else!)..being with him since 21 it's some new things to learn! I was having fun with it too.
Ugh..anyway, feeling a little low and in limbo again, and playing on going dark and trying not to think about him, but part of me is wanting resolution too. Again, I think he should be the one to take action since he's the one that wanted to end things - not me - but he hasn't yet. Weird, Frsutrating..oh well.
