coach, robx, puppy dog tails, and gucci loafer are the go to guys here. they have EXCELLENT advice, so search them out.
Bobby, I know how much it hurts, but you have to back way off right now. Take a deep breath and just drop the rope.
You also need to draw clear boundaries. She wants out? She can get the hell out. Don't argue, beg, plead....you know the drill. Don't kiss her ass. Don't act out of fear.
Be prepared for the most unbelievably cold, cruel behavior from your w. But don't react. Be minimally polite, short yes or no answers. Be busy. Don't play her ridiculous game.
How many and how old are your children? Take the high road with them when it comes to their mom. They will see for themselves how she is treating her family.
Hang in there, sweetie. So many of us are in your shoes.
I'm right there with you brother. Just know that you are not alone. It is hard for people not going through it to be on the same wavelength. I really reached a new low last week and it was just pushing her farther and farther away. We are separated in the same house right now and it's been a couple of weeks so far. I know how hard it can be to go out and GAL when you want to curl up into a ball and die. It hurts me so much knowing my wife doesn't love me the way she used to. I'm not certain I can ever win her back but I'm trying.
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
Bobby....I can only paraphrase what the others here have spoken.
Marriage counseling is worthless if the other person doesn't want to go. Truly, you cannot fix this.
Coach's advice is right on. The biggest problem I see in this forum is advice given that contributes to enabling her. Affairs are unacceptable and allowing them is worse still.
After being here for over 3 years...reading...and knowing the likes of Coach, PDT, Jeff223, Bworl, Jack3Beans, KerryK....I can truly offer you the 'ONLY' advice that gives you the maximum chances you have to restore your marriage:
Let go and detach. Deepak Kapoor's Seven Laws of Spiritual Growth contains one that is called the Law of Detachment. He states that you can get anything you want in this world if you don't pursue it and seek it out.
I believe it.
It's a very simple concept but truly difficult to do. Some of us take months to years to grasp what it means. By grieving the loss of your wife and accepting that your marriage of the past ( the way it was )is gone, it allows you to get out your pain and refocus on yourself. By doing this, you can grow and change FOR YOU. In addition, the redirection of your energies towards yourself elminates the time invested in the pursuit and angst which truly is a waste of time and energy. It simply just pushes your W further away.
During this time, good things happen to us. We develop a new sense of self-respect. We develop a new feeling for independence and self-esteem. We throw off our fear and begin helping others. We metamorphose...into something grand.
Quote:
"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves." ~ Sir James M. Barrie.
Shine on. Stay strong. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I'm not certain I can ever win her back but I'm trying.
You can't, so, stop trying. Think....and relearn. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I took a big step. I had enough when I found out she wasn't where she was supposed to be.I called her phone and told her " I know who your'e with, I'm tired of being treated like [censored], your'e stuff will be on the porch". That was two nights ago. It felt good to take control. But I know the bottom is coming fast. She said she was at Walmart talking to H. When she come the next morning I could tell she had been really upset. She needed put down that far, she was to much in control.
Bobby....I can only paraphrase what the others here have spoken.
Marriage counseling is worthless if the other person doesn't want to go. Truly, you cannot fix this.
Coach's advice is right on. The biggest problem I see in this forum is advice given that contributes to enabling her. Affairs are unacceptable and allowing them is worse still.
After being here for over 3 years...reading...and knowing the likes of Coach, PDT, Jeff223, Bworl, Jack3Beans, KerryK....I can truly offer you the 'ONLY' advice that gives you the maximum chances you have to restore your marriage:
Let go and detach. Deepak Kapoor's Seven Laws of Spiritual Growth contains one that is called the Law of Detachment. He states that you can get anything you want in this world if you don't pursue it and seek it out.
I believe it.
It's a very simple concept but truly difficult to do. Some of us take months to years to grasp what it means. By grieving the loss of your wife and accepting that your marriage of the past ( the way it was )is gone, it allows you to get out your pain and refocus on yourself. By doing this, you can grow and change FOR YOU. In addition, the redirection of your energies towards yourself elminates the time invested in the pursuit and angst which truly is a waste of time and energy. It simply just pushes your W further away.
During this time, good things happen to us. We develop a new sense of self-respect. We develop a new feeling for independence and self-esteem. We throw off our fear and begin helping others. We metamorphose...into something grand.
Quote:
"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves." ~ Sir James M. Barrie.
One more thing I have OM phone# on phone bill, I've been tempted to call and leave message. Deep down I think bad idea. Am I right?
What PDT told me was that under no circumstances should you contact the OM. Think President of the United States negotiating with terrorists. Anyone who would take up with a married woman is a predator. They will laugh at you and that is not something you want.
What you do want is for your W to feel the possibility of losing you, which means following the advice of what others have already posted. Start doing it - now.
If the OM is married, then exposure is an option, which can change the dynamics of the affair radically but it will cause a $h!t storm with your W.
Do you have kids? I didn't notice that information in the prior posts.
CABBR
M:49, W:47 M:22,T:23 S9, S6 W probable MLC Bomb: 4/09 In-house separation and Separate bedrooms since 4/09 EA busted: 7/09 W filed: 7/09 Kids unaware of D filing
I did the bad thing...way back...calling the OM. It doesn't get you anywhere. HOWEVER....exposing the affair IS recommended in most books. It destroys the excitement and secrecy of it. However, it CAN get her pissed off and CAN lead to depression after the loss of the R.
But then again....why let it continue? Download the pdf at wwwdotwomensinfidelitydotcom and this is explained.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
