Quote: I'm feeling upset b/c I feel like once again, his stuff/hobbies/going out with friends are more important than things that pertain to us/the house/our r. He hasn't done anything to the house, but neither have I. It makes me sad to think of where things are and the lack of his ILY's/messages/doing nice things, etc. Essentially, his lack of devotion
So are these things going to get better by you crabbing at him? NO. Being all mad about no room for the pool table but keeping it inside is a bad pattern you need to get out of (I know - I recognize it from myself!) How might things have gone differently if, instead of REACTING to him with this whole emotional undercurrent that if he was more devoted to you he would have given you space for the pool table - instead you had ACTED positively and non-combatively. You could have simply said something like "gee, I don't want to disturb your stuff. But I would really like that pool table too. Can we think of any way to accomplish both things?"
Good things are your H taking a proactive role in these conversations - so reward that and don't belabor him with the idea that all these things upset you. And really, think about it - wouldn't you give up all the basement and garage space if it meant you could have him completely back in your life? I think you are deflecting you anger/anxiety onto these rather unimportant issues. Don't go there.
If the Man show scares you - well, so should every magazine ad and beer commercial! But why not focus on being the "hottest" YOU you can be - if you manage that, you won't be so worried about the TV.
See, I told you staying out later than him was a good idea! Now keep it up - and start being more positive with him about other things.
Hi, I AM hot...I just don't believe it some of the time (Ok, a lot of the time)...ya know?...it's comes and goes. However, being HOT=feeling confident in MYSELF not just how I look. And that is what I really struggle with.
I don't know about willingness to give up the garage space. Do you know what winters are like in Ohio? But seriously, yes, I do not need to get upset about other distractions, etc. If I want a garage space, I can clean the garage myself...
Last night was fine. I tried to occupy myself some by putting laundry away, cooked dinner, H practiced, we chit-chatted. He kinda made fun of me for being "huffy" the night before.) I said, "it was better than lashing out at you, no?" He said, "yeah, I guess." And I said that I thought that we handled things pretty well and he agreed. Granted, I could have said something to the effect of not wanting to close him out but feeling too emo to talk about things... But, it was a Baby step for me!
I was crabby at work all day (PMS, after-math of discussion, fighting off sinus infection), but when I got home I didn't feel so crabby, but I could tell I kind of felt like "starting something" with him. Like, I felt clingy and insecure/wanting reassurance, but I felt like pushing him away. Can anyone relate? I ended up going to bed early and didn't wake up when he came to bed, so no snuggles. (He's told me in the past that he doesn't like me to hang on him ALL the time.)
Rec'd an interesting quote in an Inner Journey email today: As our consciousness rises, our perspective becomes more and more impersonal. What does this mean?
It means we are increasingly able to view our lives and the rest of the world with detachment. This does not mean we are cold and uncaring. Rather, we are self-contained. We have well-defined boundaries and we are able to think and act objectively, clearly and responsibly.
When we have learned detachment, we do not get hooked into the thoughts and feelings of others. We are not easily upset or manipulated. We may feel compassion for others but this does not cloud our ability to choose how we think, feel and behave. We also do not need others to behave in any particular way.
"Until we take how we see ourselves (and how we see others) into account, we will be unable to understand how others see and feel about themselves and their world. Unaware, we will project our intentions on their behavior and call ourselves objective."
Hi, It's me... I'm doing ok emotionally, head hurts though. H & I are doing pretty well. He met me for dinner after work last night. I called him earlier and asked what he was doing very coolly-as if whatever he did didn't matter. (It actually didn't) and he seemed like he wanted to do dinner w/me! He was nice and talkative! ++!! However, he was very tired-we seem to be going back & forth-me one day, him the next. We talked about it and it seems like he has S.A.D. He is very much affected by the weather & the time change. It's just been rainy & cold & bleh...
I'm still having some bouts of anxiety and obsessing about him being attracted to other women. If anything, this was the FIRST thing that I ever went to get counseling for 15 years ago, and I still have the issues! I HATE feeling jealous. This is definitely learned behavior b/c my mom is always very jealous/competitive/feels threatened by other women. My dad told me last month that she would have jealous fits at parties and whatnot. Sound familiar? My stomach sank. (H was there.) But, I thought "This has got to stop!" At least even if I feel that way, act as if I don't. H has been very hurt and then angry that I didn't have more faith in him. Could I be projecting my feelings onto him?
Well, if anyone has any input, I would appreciate it! k
Thank you for dropping in today. Had to go to the doctor this afternoon.
My thread is Why don't we cross the Bridge together. David mostly posts on the Question thread and he doesn't read my personal thread. So maybe someday he will start his own. Who knows!
I am just happy he is posting. I am sorry I am so tired tonight. Not making a lick of sense, but wanted to say Hi.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: I'm still having some bouts of anxiety and obsessing about him being attracted to other women.
Karen, my dear, I have news for you: being attracted means you are still breathing. It is perfectly normal for you to feel attraction to men and for your H to feel attraction to women.
Attraction is one of the most dependable constants of our lives. It is how you react to attraction that matters: a complex mix of opportunity, vulnerability, values and commitment. Attraction is normal: just because you feel it does not mean that you have to act on it.
The healthy response to attraction is to recognize attraction as a normal instict and avoid dangerous situations by getting closer to your mate. One of my best friends has a mental rule for that: would I do it if my W were here?
Unfortunately, with your excessive jelousy and dependance you've created an environment in which your H feels forced to hide any sign of attraction. And secrecy is dangerous. It shuts you out and makes him unconsciously closer to other. You are pushing him away, not pulling him closer. If you do not stop that kind of behaviour you are going to push your H into someone else's arms.
Fortunately you seem to have recognized the danger of your own behaviour. And have been working on it a little. BUT YOU HAVE TO CONTINUE.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Optimist, I have anxiety just reading this! What is wrong with me? I know H is a completely trustworthy man!
How do I continue to work on this? How do I feel better about myself? All of my C's have said, "you need to feel better about yourself." Well, no sh!t, but none of them has actually helped me figure out HOW to do it!
Last night was ok. I got a hair cut and shopped for Halloween stuff. H had band practice. I brought home dinner. H still seems to be in kind of a funk. He did lots of dishes & laundry on his days off. He gets depressed thinking about going back to work (He only works 4 days a week & not even 40 hours!). I don't know how to help...but at least I know that it is NOT me "causing" his bad moods b/c we have been getting along fine for the past 3 1/2 weeks. I'm not really counting the discussion about the basement/garage b/c we (I) handled it so much better than in the past. (Yes, I know that shutting him out wasn't the right thing to do, but at least I didn't lash out and cause a huge fight.)
but, I'm sure with more time...he'll come around more. k
Hi, the last couple days have been fine with h, but i feel really funky right now. I'm feeling anxious, but trying to talk myself out of it. Kinda working, kinda not.
Thurs. I play vball and h said he was going to try to get a hold of his friend to bike ride. He called later and asked what was up for dinner. He didn't get a hold of his friend. So, I suggested that we go somewhere when I get home at 9. I got home and h was in the tub. I waited, he came out and we laid on the bed together. He flashed me a couple times. HA ha...and said that he was hoping that I would have come into the bathroom! I said that I didnt' want to invade his privacy, he said that i always came in before. (well, the last time i thought he was annoyed, so this time i stayed out.). So he asked what we had in the freezer to eat . It was really hot & passionate-yeah baby!
friday, we go to halloween party dressed as the Blues Brothers. it was ok, kinda small, group playing cards, group talking (not people we know)...h and i had really good convo. he shared with me some small but interesting things that happened at work, and we just bs'ed. it was nice and relaxed. then he went to get more beer at a keg and i heard this girl say that she would "pump it for him," and he said, "just don't let my wife know." and then some other comments were made about the beer having head... I RESISTED getting jealous or ACTING jealous. and told myself that it was all in jest and reminded myself that i joked around w/other guys sometimes and that I do not want anyone else but h.
we talked to his friend before we left and his friend was joking about us acting out in our costumes like fighting over who is going to wear that hat, etc. but h emphasized that he wanted to go home and SLEEP. I felt dissappointed. He's told me before that he finds women in ties very sexy so i thought that he would "want" me. so, we drive home and i'm feeling insecure. we get home, he init's snuggling, and even tho i know he is tired, i start fooling around. well, he responded (and i was planning on making it quick since he was tired.), then we fell asleep.
at the party, i asked how he knew that girl and he said that she was out at the pub when he was out with the guy whose party it was. the guy also was bugging h. t come down again to go out to the pub. h said to give him a couple weeks, and that he had to recover from last time. *so, i told myself that if h really were interested in this woman, that he would want to go out to the pub, right? ok, so this helps.
this morn. h got up and sat on the couch for a while before going to work. then he came into the bedroom. we snuggled some and he left. side note: for the costume he shaved off his beard & moustache. I've never seen him like this other than in pictures, and well, i don't like it. I told him i like him better with a beard. he says, he's going to try this look for a couple weeks and "see what happens." well, what can happen??? crazy me thinks does he want women to hit on him? STOP KAREN!!!
So, I'm feeling crazy. I have this empty feeling in me...
alright, I gotta dry up my tears and go have a mimosa! karen
I AM hot...I just don't believe it some of the time (Ok, a lot of the time)...ya know?...it's comes and goes. However, being HOT=feeling confident in MYSELF not just how I look. And that is what I really struggle with. 
I don't know about willingness to give up the garage space. Do you know what winters are like in Ohio? But seriously, yes, I do not need to get upset about other distractions, etc. If I want a garage space, I can clean the garage myself...
. It was really hot & passionate-yeah baby! 
