[quote=P17] She likely was using her day with you as a sort of a "test," to measure her feelings (or lack thereof) at the moment for you, which is very much "script." And she likely walked away from it with a "See? He just doesn't understand me" view.
Sorry for the 2x4s, but that's how I see it.
Puppy
PDT,
The advice I'm getting from here, the books and from elsewhere is confusing me. I am TRYING not to overanalyse it but I am still doing some of it. I am TRYING to accept the day for what it was. I'm not very good at this at the moment, but I'm TRYING.
I didn't ask my W about her day as that was the advice on doing a 180 or LRT. I always asked her about her day and was understanding, compassionate and a good listener. That wasn't working. I was trying to keep things simple, basic and no talk like that. Maybe I've mis-read it but that's what I thought I was doing. I was trying to distance myself from that and just being there with my D and her.
One thing I am good at is listening.
The groping in the pool was unintentional, most of it. It was the game we were playing.
I also thought I was doing my own thing and not looking for her reaction. I thought I was doing my own thing but noticing her reaction - that is different from looking for it.
I don't think I can actually do this. It just seems no matter what I do (from advice, books etc.) it just seems to be the wrong thing and is probably pushing my W farther and farther away.
I thought about today of dropping her a text saying I was sorry for nearly drowning her yesterday, twice and for being a little quiet as I was very tired (which I was). Again, I thought NC so I couldn't send it.
My only solution to my situation is to stop all contact with her and my D completely.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
Looks like me and dDay both had the same thoughts.
The GOOD news is, this is ALL fixable. No one moment -- or even one day -- can make or break you, DBing-wise. But you DO need to make some corrections.
Puppy
PDT,
I do so want to fix this. You've probably already given me those corrections in earlier posts. Please spell it out to me one last time - what do I need to do?
Can you also tell a guy, who at the moment is feeling like sh**, why you think this is fixable?
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
I thought about today of dropping her a text saying I was sorry for nearly drowning her yesterday, twice and for being a little quiet as I was very tired (which I was). Again, I thought NC so I couldn't send it.
My only solution to my situation is to stop all contact with her and my D completely.
You know what, if you absoluetly need to, drop text messaging from your plan, seriously, it's one of the worst inventions ever when it comes to this stuff.
Let her contact you! Capiche?
And why would you stop all contact with your D? What would compell you to say that?
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I am trying very very hard not to overanalyse this.
Why did I share this with you?
Because I overanalyzed the hell out of it, and consequently still do to this day now some 13 months and divorced later, it still clangs around in my head. Thus, spare yourself, take it for what it is and move along. Don't be sitting as me 13 months later and still recanting it, you'll get nowhere in the over all goal of things.
I'm sorry what happened to you dday.
After re-reading what I wrote I can understand where you and PDT are actually coming from. I am looking at words such as 'daddy' with the dog and hanging on them. I did try to rationalise it by saying it was probably a slip of the tongue but by even mentioning it I suppose it shows I am hanging on the words ...
As I said I really am just trying to accept the day for what it was. But what it was for me is just very strange. It may be part of the script but for me I just don't get this.
I have went from chasing, begging, pleading to a complete 180 of just being there and having fun. NC, no texts, no calls nothing. When we do the 180 we are supposed to monitor the results. The only result I got yesterday that I haven't seen since she left was when she was talking about coming over on Friday and she sounded hurt that I didn't know about it. She also hovered around the door as if wanting to talk. She also asked ME about my dancing rather than me asking her how her life is going.
Now I completely agree that this could be overanalysing but when does monitoring the results cross the line into becoming overanalysing. That situation could be entirely nothing BUT I can't remember those two situations before so for me they are results. It's a tiny TINY baby step but it's more than I've had before.
I don't want to be here in 13 months time. I'm 2 and a bit months down the road and it's destroying me. I know guys have been there for years which makes me seem bad. I CAN handle this but it is one of the most difficult things I've had to do and I'm learning what to do far too slowly. I think I understand what I am being told and then BAM, I've learned it wrong and I've made mistakes. I am being reactive rather than proactive.
I got my draft separation agreement in the post today and it looks fine. Friends don't think she'll sign it (as it says we just keep what we have) but she did agree to it a few weeks ago (although I don't think she meant it). The gloves will no doubt come off now and I'm not sure how to deal with that but will do so when I get to cross that bridge.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
[quote=P17] She likely was using her day with you as a sort of a "test," to measure her feelings (or lack thereof) at the moment for you, which is very much "script." And she likely walked away from it with a "See? He just doesn't understand me" view.
Sorry for the 2x4s, but that's how I see it.
Puppy
PDT,
The advice I'm getting from here, the books and from elsewhere is confusing me. I am TRYING not to overanalyse it but I am still doing some of it. I am TRYING to accept the day for what it was. I'm not very good at this at the moment, but I'm TRYING.
I didn't ask my W about her day as that was the advice on doing a 180 or LRT. I always asked her about her day and was understanding, compassionate and a good listener. That wasn't working. I was trying to keep things simple, basic and no talk like that. Maybe I've mis-read it but that's what I thought I was doing. I was trying to distance myself from that and just being there with my D and her.
One thing I am good at is listening.
The groping in the pool was unintentional, most of it. It was the game we were playing.
I also thought I was doing my own thing and not looking for her reaction. I thought I was doing my own thing but noticing her reaction - that is different from looking for it.
I don't think I can actually do this. It just seems no matter what I do (from advice, books etc.) it just seems to be the wrong thing and is probably pushing my W farther and farther away.
I thought about today of dropping her a text saying I was sorry for nearly drowning her yesterday, twice and for being a little quiet as I was very tired (which I was). Again, I thought NC so I couldn't send it.
My only solution to my situation is to stop all contact with her and my D completely.
P,
Stop it. You're pouting, and even tho I'm a hetero guy, it just ain't attractive. You can do this, but you need to stop getting defensive. We don't even KNOW each other, so you don't need to worry about what I think of you, or the job you're doing, okay? Just make some corrections.
As to your specific questions, maybe I'm misunderstanding the LRT, but I think you're either all-in or all-out with that. You can't have her over for "family fun day" and then NOT interact with her. You either avoid the contact altogether, or -- if you're going to do family things, esp. for your daughter (which I'm in favor of, btw), then you need to be not only civil, but courteous and somewhat engaging. Not "husband" engaging, or even "best gay male friend" engaging, but engaging.
Don't send the text.
And I'm not buying that the groping was unintentional. C'mon.
So, did I lose you, or are you gonna strap your 'nads back on and get back up on the DB horse today?
I thought about today of dropping her a text saying I was sorry for nearly drowning her yesterday, twice and for being a little quiet as I was very tired (which I was). Again, I thought NC so I couldn't send it.
My only solution to my situation is to stop all contact with her and my D completely.
You know what, if you absoluetly need to, drop text messaging from your plan, seriously, it's one of the worst inventions ever when it comes to this stuff.
Let her contact you! Capiche?
The last two texts I've had were initiated by her. Not me. I completely agree both text messaging and IM are one of the worst inventions ever. No tone, no voice inflections, no emotion ... nothing!
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And why would you stop all contact with your D? What would compell you to say that?
I would stop contact between my W and my D - my D is not my W's D but her step-D. I really don't want to stop that contact but because of the way my W is and the OM is (drugs, drinks heavily, smokes, walked away from his two kids, and seems to have a very immature attitude) then I am very reluctant to let me W spend time with my D on her own. She did agree that she could only spend time with my D with me.
If the OM moved back to where he came from then I think I would be happier to let my W spend time with my D on her own. Even if the relationship with the OM was still there as long as his bad influence wasn't around her house.
I'm not making conditions on it, as it may seem - get rid of the OM and you can see my D - but I do have concerns.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
Now I completely agree that this could be overanalysing but when does monitoring the results cross the line into becoming overanalysing. That situation could be entirely nothing BUT I can't remember those two situations before so for me they are results. It's a tiny TINY baby step but it's more than I've had before.
You're right, this IS one of the hardest things to balance in all of DBing. The ol' "How do I monitor 'what works,' and not 'pursue/overanalyze'??"
I would say, "I notice that when I've spent the week GALing and doing 180s, she moves back towards me" is monitoring. GOOD. "When I chop onions, and I whistle Abba, and she sings, and then when I stop, she stops," is overnalyzing. NOT GOOD.
Stop it. You're pouting, and even tho I'm a hetero guy, it just ain't attractive. You can do this, but you need to stop getting defensive. We don't even KNOW each other, so you don't need to worry about what I think of you, or the job you're doing, okay? Just make some corrections.
ARRGGHH!! Okay, I agree I was getting defensive. It's been a tough day.
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As to your specific questions, maybe I'm misunderstanding the LRT, but I think you're either all-in or all-out with that. You can't have her over for "family fun day" and then NOT interact with her. You either avoid the contact altogether, or -- if you're going to do family things, esp. for your daughter (which I'm in favor of, btw), then you need to be not only civil, but courteous and somewhat engaging. Not "husband" engaging, or even "best gay male friend" engaging, but engaging.
Okay. I think I was doing more of a 180 than an LRT as the contact with my daughter was ongoing the LRT wouldn't work.
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Don't send the text.
I didn't want to anyway, but done.
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And I'm not buying that the groping was unintentional. C'mon.
I will be honest, some was, some wasn't. The twisted nipples on my W that my D was doing on me was intentional. The rest genuinely wasn't deliberately a grope - she had the float between her legs and I had to get in there and get it back. I knew what I was doing but it wasn't a grope - it was getting the float back. Believe it or not :-)
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So, did I lose you, or are you gonna strap your 'nads back on and get back up on the DB horse today?
No they're back. I just need to keep remembering they are there! Maybe, before I speak I should be having a check that they're there just to remind myself!
Last edited by P17; 10/20/0901:39 PM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
Now I completely agree that this could be overanalysing but when does monitoring the results cross the line into becoming overanalysing. That situation could be entirely nothing BUT I can't remember those two situations before so for me they are results. It's a tiny TINY baby step but it's more than I've had before.
You're right, this IS one of the hardest things to balance in all of DBing. The ol' "How do I monitor 'what works,' and not 'pursue/overanalyze'??"
I would say, "I notice that when I've spent the week GALing and doing 180s, she moves back towards me" is monitoring. GOOD. "When I chop onions, and I whistle Abba, and she sings, and then when I stop, she stops," is overnalyzing. NOT GOOD.
Puppy
Well, you made me smile ... point taken.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
You can do this, but you need to stop getting defensive. We don't even KNOW each other, so you don't need to worry about what I think of you, or the job you're doing, okay? Just make some corrections.