Kimmie Lee, I don't mean to be sooo confused, but I am. I don't really know what I want, but after being on here I know I am going to continue DBing for me and in case he snaps out of this and wants to come home. If he was standing on my door step, I would have to admit it would make ME more than happy. I love him and have since I was 18 yrs old. So, yes I would love to have him home, but I have no expectations of this happening. He goes back there and it is like we never got along up here (forget the sex, it was just that sex), never connected again like we did, never talked, never held each other, hugged, etc. He is back to treating me like before, just someone to hand the phone to the kids when he calls.
Yes, I went to his hotel, but we had discussed wanting to be together earlier, just didn't know when we could pull it off with the kids around. He only said (in the heat of the moment), "we shouldn't be doing this I am "seeing" someone". Which I find interesting, it wasn't "I have a girlfriend, I am in love with someone else, etc"! I have no idea what is in his thoughts, just like any other person in the midts of a MLC, he is all over the place. So, that makes me all over the place even though it shouldn't, and when I am like that I don't let him see or hear it.
He just called for D10, I answered and he said "Hi, how are you, is D10 there" I said "yes, she is upstairs, what ya doin?" He said "nothing", I went and gave the phone to D10. It kills me, but I am doing the STFU and patience thing. I know I will be fine if he doesn't snap out of this before it is too late. Don't know at what point it will be too late, but I know it will come. Thanks again to everyone for caring enough to respond to me, I am a mess!!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I have a situation I need help with ASAP!! D10 was talking to XH and told him "if you really loved me you would move here and live by me", he said "but my job is here" and she said "you work from home so you can move here and if you loved me you would", he again said, "my job is here".
As we all know MLCer's blame everything on us, and he tells me all the time that I make the kids feel the way they do, I put the words into their head, they feel like I do because I tell them too. This is, of course, not the truth. They know too much, and that is a shame, but a fact. I never told her to say that or wanted her to say that. So, should I send XH a text or e-mail telling me she told me what she said to him and I want him to know it didn't come from me?? I told her to please not say those things to him anymore, that it only upsets him and we don't want to do that, but that she can tell him she misses him and wishes she saw him more. She has to be able to share her feelings with him. But, I want to make it clear to him it is not coming from me, but I feel like even if I tell him, he will think what he wants and it won't change anything so why bother? I have gone dark on him for 2 months and it changed nothing. So, I don't really know what the right thing to do is??? Any ideas or help?
Me-39 XH-42 M- 17 1/2 yrs D-16, S-14, D-10 MLC- started 10/06 OW discovered-7/07 seperated-9/07 back together- 12/07 moves out again-7/08 D final-5/09 find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I never told her to say that or wanted her to say that. So, should I send XH a text or e-mail telling me she told me what she said to him and I want him to know it didn't come from me??
No don't text him, call him, or email him about that.
Let it rest for now.
It's not that big of a deal, but you can make it one by calling. Leave it alone.
DO NOT mention it at all. That is between your D and XH no matter if he thinks you put it in her head or not.
Do not defend any action because of how you think he perceives it. It doesn’t matter because, especially with MLCer’s, they think what they want and you could show him upside down and backwards that they are wrong, and guess what, they aren’t…
You have to just be. To show, by changing your behaviors, your words, you thoughts, your attitude.
This is a really good place to start.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Ok, thanks Trapt, I didn't do anything. I knew I should just ignore it and let him process it by himself, but didn't want him to blame me as usual. I guess it doesn't matter if he blames me, I have taken the blame for everything else, why not one more thing.
I just want to show him unconditional love and patience. I just don't know how all of you who have or had OM's or OW's survived knowing you H or W was with these people in a way they should only be with you. I try not to think about him in her arms. At times I just want to scream to the world how awful this is and how unfair it all is to me and my kids!! I pray and pray for him to find his way out of this fog and back to his family. It has officially been three years since the MLC began, I know it can be a lot longer that he is doing this, I know I have to forget what he is doing and work on myself. It is just so hard when this person has been a part of your life each and every day for 20 years not to think about him and wonder what he is doing, how he is feeling, where he is going, etc. I know it is a mind change and I have to self-talk out of it all. My mind knows what I have to do, but it seems no matter how many times I tell myself the same things, I still find myself going back to thinking about him, our life together, how my kids are hurting so much, and a million other things. In my DivorceCare they say this is normal, that you just don't forget or stop loving, thinking, and caring about your XH, just because there is a piece of paper that says you are D'd. I hope that is the same for my XH, he says he still thinks about everything, so I guess that is good. Well, enough ranting, I am just proud I didn't text or e-mail him about what D10 said...baby steps!
Me-39 XH-42 M- 17 1/2 yrs D-16, S-14, D-10 MLC- started 10/06 OW discovered-7/07 seperated-9/07 back together- 12/07 moves out again-7/08 D final-5/09 find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
That your D10 feels whatever she feels and addresses it is a good thing. Please don't tell her what not to say b/c it upsets somebody. It's how we learn to deal with difficult feelings. IMO most of us don't learn that well enough as kids (or adults for that matter).
If you are a reader find the book called "Rebuilding" by Bruce Fisher. It describes all the stages you go through in processing a divorce- there are concrete exercises in it to help you get through all that you need to come out whole and healthy.
Realize we all at some point or another have (over)focused on the OP. Its the easy way out. It keeps us spinning and not living or lives, it staves off dealing with the awful pain and hurt we feel by being 'rejected' and having the OP displace us.
Move on. Its NEVER about the OP. If it wasn't that OP it'd be another...its the MLCer taking the easy way out and staving off the uncomfortable feelings and realizations they are having. Its a distraction for them and the less power you give it and the less focus the better.
So pull yourself up and distract yourself from your obsessive thoughts re: your Ex and the OW. Let your Ex live his life he's created and learn what he needs to learn(hopefully) so he can come to his own realization of what he wants(hopefully a more mature and got-it-together you).
And yes, pat yourself on the back for those baby steps and keep them coming!
Last edited by kjensen; 10/20/0901:11 PM.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Well there are a number of us in a similar timeframe and it has been interesting to see what's happened in each of our situations.
I don't blame you for being confused. Also, while I think forgiveness is a good goal, one of the things that I have realized is that it is NOT easy. You may want to forgive, but actually feeling it is another thing. Some days you may feel forgiveness and then other days you may not feel it. There may be different degrees of it, too. It's not an all-or-nothing deal. I'd like to point out, too, that it is not easy to do because it's not as if our spouses asked for forgiveness. In fact, we are often emotionally flogged by our spouses. We are being asked some of the most demanding emotional work that could be asked of human beings!
As far as vengeance, yes, I have felt that too. It doesn't mean you're screwing up. It just means you are human.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Thanks again for all the great ideas! I will get that book.
Thanks Forward for making me feel a little less crazy and more normal
My DivorceCare leader says not to even begin to look at forgiveness yet, as I am too up and down and still in too much pain. Sometimes I really think "why am I doing this, why do I want a man who could do this to me, why can't I just forget him and move on like it seems all these other divorced people do with out issue". And, they just go and find someone new and are perfectly happy. I have no idea how I will ever want to be with anyone else. I can't figure out why XH can do it so easily after all our time together, but again, I know I will never understand and need to stop trying to figure it out.
I know all the stuff about the OW is true, but whomever it is I would still be going crazy that he is with her and not me. It makes no difference who it is, just that she is...if that makes sense. I don't want the man I love touching someone else, ML to someone else, giving all of himself emotionally to someone else, etc. I know...I know...don't think about it, there is nothing I can do and I need to let it go. But, he was just here and was soooo into me and the kids, so I think that just made it harder when he goes back there and acts like everything is better there and he is sooo in love with OW!! I am going to go nuts with this patience thing... I am going to pray and pray for it, and anyone else who prays, please pray for me to have patience!! Thanks!
Me-39 XH-42 M- 17 1/2 yrs D-16, S-14, D-10 MLC- started 10/06 OW discovered-7/07 seperated-9/07 back together- 12/07 moves out again-7/08 D final-5/09 find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
