Very nervous about tomorrow. Especially if she tries to talk about the OM moving up or anything else to do with the R. Arwen_in_NJ suggested treating her just like a cousin when it comes to chit chat but not sure what to say if she brings R or OM stuff up - do I just tell her I don't want to discuss R issues or do I let her talk?
One of the best pieces of advice I got was to say something like:
"There's really only two things to talk about: our marriage, and the potential end of our marriage. I won't talk about our marriage so long as you've invited a third person into it (alt. version: "as long as you're having an affair"), and the second is really best left to the lawyers, I think."
It's hard not to obsess about EVERY word she says, every note on Facebook, etc. I wish I didn't waste my time obsessing back when this started. I also has no idea how long this would go.
Here's one suggestion. Take up a practice that forces you to give full attention to it. Something that engages your body AND mind so that you are not thinking about your sitation.
How about Karate or Kick-boxing? Maybe rock-climbing? When you are ducking that punch or reaching for the next hand-hold, you are not thinking about OM or wife. You are locked in the present moment: don't fall off the rock face, don't get your a$$ kicked by your sparring partner. Focus on that. This can help in many ways. It will cause your mind to relax, even for a few hours, it's good for your health and it will build courage and physical strength. It's not PC to talk about it, but part of your attractiveness as a male is your physical strength, mental toughness and self-confidence. Nothing like becoming a kick-a$$ warrior to make you feel less needy and reactive.
This will be a long message but it's a sort of synopsis of today. Very very confused after today. No idea what to think but I know I can't really go on like this as it is destroying me. If I knew my W still had feelings for me it would be easier but then I'm not asking for anything you guys haven't asked for a thousand times and never got.
Day started badly. We went swimming. There was a tension there to be honest and it continued. I just couldn't keep my mind off the fact that while my W is standing there in her swimming costume all I could see was the OM and her. You don't need me to tell you doing what.
By about 10.30am I really couldn't take much more and was all set to leave and just tell her to go home, this wasn't working for me. But the mere fact that she would know I am hurting kept from doing that. I bit my tongue and stayed.
For the next 90 minutes my W and D decided to pick on me and steal some floats off of me. I then had to steal them back from them and so it went on. My hands were deliberately (to test her reaction) and sometimes accidently all over my wife. Her chest, between her legs (as she wrapped the floats between her legs). At one point i almost drowned her and felt really bad. When she came back up she had popped out of her top and I put my hand down into her top and lifted it back up. No matter what I did she didn't flinch, move, push me away or anything else. It was strange as had the roles been reversed I would have.
That finally finished and we went to get some lunch but had no money so we went back to my house and we made some sandwiches. That was fine. We then sat down to some DVD's. Again, fine. She called me the dog's 'daddy' again, although that was more of a slip of the tongue than anything else.
The second DVD was hairspray and for those of you who know it. it's full of music. So I had moved about to the music (which the P she left wouldn't have done) and tapped my feet etc. etc. We enjoyed that. She was singing away to a few of the songs. That showed me she was relaxed at least.
We then played Bratz with my little girl and I put the soundtrack to Mama Mia on (I'm not a musical's freak but it was the only one that I could find).
This is where things got a little strange. She got a text from her mum and told us that she passed on her regards (I actually don't believe it was her mum but never mind). That was fine, sort of. She then was again singing away to the songs and I thought I would too. I was brought up on Abba so I know the songs by heart almost. So I was singing along too, a little quieter but it was there. So we both sang along, separately.
I went into the kitchen to make dinner and I heard her say to my little girl about coming around on Friday. She then came into the kitchen and asked me if that was okay. I just played dumb and asked about what, she said coming over on Friday, I said what about Friday, she explained, I asked her if it was one of the dates, she said yes, blah blah blah but she did say at the end, in a very hurt tone, that it just sounded like I didn't know about Friday. I just passed it off as a misunderstanding.
When I went into the kitchen at first I was whistling an Abba song away, loudly. And my W was singing it, from the living room, loudly. I stopped whistling as I was concentrating on what I was doing. I noticed she had stopped singing. I started whistling loudly again and she started singing really really loudly. I don't know what to make of this and I don;t want to analyse it so I put it down to a coincidence but this wasn't in my mind - I did notice it.
I then went back to chopping onion (I was making chilli) and I turned around and she was still standing in the doorway. I've no idea why. I got the impression she wanted to talk about something or just say something but she didn't. She must have been standing there watching me for a good 10 seconds before I turned back around. She didn't say anything and walked away. Again, I just ignored her. She then came back and said she had better go (50 minutes early) and I said okay and off she went. I shouted bye as she was leaving but I never left the kitchen.
I spoke to my D after my W left and she said that she checked her phone before saying 'she had better go'. I assume (whether I'm right or not I don't know) that the OM had texted her asking her to come back home. There was a phone call about 30 minutes earlier as well where she looked at her phone and then ignored.
When my W left she looked very hurt and upset. I'm not sure what at but I have been with her 7 years so I know the faces. I played it cool all day. There were a couple of verging on needy moments when she told me she couldn't stay until 7pm, but 6.30pm and also when she was going to leave at 6.10pm and I looked at the clock and said it was only that time. Other than that it was very straightforward.
I didn't ask her how her week was going, how work was, how anything was. I asked her nothing. She asked me, in the pool, how my dance classes were getting on (she is always asking about them!) and I told her that they were going well and I was thinking of going to the one in the next town too as I really enjoyed it. She was asking what day that was. She seemed interested.
I am genuinely worried about my W. When she left she was upset or hurt. I don't know whether she was going back to hassle from the OM or whether it was something I had done. Or whether it was just life in general. When she came around at first, within the first 15 minutes I came to two conclusions - she is either mildly depressed or deeply deeply unhappy. She really just looked miserable.
I have got it into my head that he is beating her. I have absolutely no proof of this or even any circumstantial evidence but it's sticking in my head. She told me the reason why she told the OM I beat her (which if you read back I never EVER did) was because she thought she deserved it. Maybe he is doing it and she is accepting it as she deserves it. I'm really writing this here not as some sort of a grasp on the situation but just to get it off of my chest. If he is, I don't know what I would do.
All day she kept hugging and kissing my daughter on the head, elbow or anywhere in fact. She kept stroking her hair and just being very very affectionate with her. She was very relaxed back at the house and it was just an odd situation. As I've said before, if you had walked into a room and I told you we had separated you would not have believed me. Especially later on in the day with the singing!
I am trying very very hard not to overanalyse this. I am still doing it but not to the same extent. I have taken the day for what it was and I remember what you guys were saying. I also remember the quote from the DR book which is always in my head - don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do.
I also have to point out that yet again she hasn't told me that the OM is now living with her. She didn't even broach the subject at all.
I wonder what other people's takes on this are? My friends views are I am STILL plan B for her.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
I am trying very very hard not to overanalyse this.
Hi P,
Please do try not to over analyse this. I had a 'simlilar' moment a little over a year ago. 'Our' house was the place for gatherings. A mutual friend was turning a symbolic age, so I and a few other mutual friends opted to throw a birthday party. Of course a few of said friends said it wouldn't be right if my (then W) was not in attendance.
She did show, and I tell you to this day I can't get certain looks and comments she made out of my head. Everyone said it was like "old times". I spent all day on the grill and in the kitchen (especially assuming some of Xw's former duties), and XW made sure everybody was taken care of.
I remember clear as day everytime I would look up, Xw was gleaming at me with her eyes dancing away. As I finished up the last round of stuff on the grill, she was right behind me coming out of the house with that very same look you describe as your W left, saying it was time for her to go, but "it was nice" and even the pasta salad I made that she would normally do was better than hers ever was, "someone must have trained you well" followed by this foxish smirk.
And then she was gone. off to OM.
Why did I share this with you?
Because I overanalyzed the hell out of it, and consequently still do to this day now some 13 months and divorced later, it still clangs around in my head. Thus, spare yourself, take it for what it is and move along. Don't be sitting as me 13 months later and still recanting it, you'll get nowhere in the over all goal of things.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I am trying very very hard not to overanalyse this.
You're kidding us, right?
Look, P, I don't have time to go back thru and highlight the parts, but your ENTIRE DAY (as described in your post) just REEKS of overanalyzing your wife! Go back and re-read it, and try to do it objectively as a third person and see what I mean.
I don't remember, how long have you been at this? You should be less enmeshed with her at this point, doing your own thing, and NOT looking for her reaction all the time. That doesn't mean you're not going to have your horrible moments, at 2 in the morning in the bathroom, or maybe driving down the road during the middle of the day, alone, but you CANNOT keep watching her like this. I guarantee you she feels it, and it feels SMOTHERING.
Also, let me see if I have this straight. You groped your wife repeatedly in the pool, but you DIDN'T ask her about her week, her job, or anything like that, correct? YOU HAVE IT BACKWARDS. You want to NOT be pursuing/"needy-grabby", and you SHOULD be engaging her as a good listener, like you would do with a cousin or a good roommate.
She likely was using her day with you as a sort of a "test," to measure her feelings (or lack thereof) at the moment for you, which is very much "script." And she likely walked away from it with a "See? He just doesn't understand me" view.
Looks like me and dDay both had the same thoughts.
The GOOD news is, this is ALL fixable. No one moment -- or even one day -- can make or break you, DBing-wise. But you DO need to make some corrections.
