Seems to me your h feels less pressure on how to behave when you are in control of your emotions. He may just feel unsure on how to react when you cry or whatever. He feels like he has to do something but is not sure what. Next time you cry maybe you should just say 'I don't need you to fix anything for me just hold me'. That way the pressure is off him on how to 'fix' you.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with health problems. But as long as you have a diagnosis then you have something to work off and not have to wonder what is wrong with you. Check out webmd.com for info on your ailments. Some solutions may be available there.
Keep your chin up girl. You are learning lots about yourself and doing some great changes. Try not to let his actions effect how you will behave. Detach from what he does and says that is hurtful, don't read into his comments. You only give him power when you do that.
K- I am a breast cancer survivor and have been through the medical gambit with H...I did chemo, radiation, lumpectomy, and have just recently had biopsy (it came out ok) that could have led to massectomy..I got to keep my little breastie, though Anyway, what I have learned about H and medical sitches may help you..
My H felt very frightened and frustrated...couldn't say that though, wanted to appear in control and strong.....instead he often appeared very distant to me....I often felt like I had to be strong and not show any fear or weakness...it angered me at times...
I know now that because H loves me...he was very afraid...that's difficult for some men to face....he and I did have one conversation where he actually cried and said he didn't know what to do or how to really help me....that frustrated the heck out of him...
Now, what does this have to do with you? Your H seems to like to Fix things, ie. Cars. So, he (pardon me if I am wrong here) may feel the very same way...you have a medical issue right now and he can't do anything to fix it...that is both frustrating and scarey to a guy who likes to be hands on fixing stuff....but it also says he loves you... What can you do? I finally figured out that for my H information was key...I got books and pamphlets on condition from doc and let him know they were around...he read them when no one was looking LOL.... Tell him how I am feeling without losing control of emotions...HE GOT SCARED WHEN I WAS OUT OF CONTROL....he didn't know what to do when I cried or withdrew and that made him angry...so calmly telling H where I was at about things was key...
Hopefully, you are going to get through this medical sitch with flying colors! I will pray for you and check back in on you....and I know it seems like we shouldn't have to take care of them when we are sick...but that's what happens sometimes! They need our love and support more than we need theirs! LOL Go figure.....
Hi AK Gal and Cindy, You two are right. He can definitely handle things better when I am in better control of my emo's. I've also noticed that if my emo's are better for awhile, that he starts to share his! Jackpot!!
I know that I need to be strong, and yes, handle HIM with care. But I know that he cares. I've also learned that if I can say what is wrong very directly and within one or two sentences that he can handle it much better and offer some comfort. He is very scarred from the outrages that I have had and gets that stimulus-response to raise the walls as soon as he sees tears. I know in time, he will learn to trust that I won't barrage him.
Thanks for your support. I can't tell you how much the BB has meant to me and helped me!! love, karen
Hey Karen - just wanted to chime in here about the benign meningioma. It may be a meaningless coincidental finding that would never cause you any problem. Or it could be the cause of headaches, and even, depending on size and location, memory or emotional or psychological changes - usually subtle. I would read up on it so that you know what questions to ask the neurologist.
And I agree with the advice given - bummer though it is that you can't just relax and lean on him - he needs to perceive you as strong and handling it. If he has any components of depression or MLC (usually accompanied by a fear of aging or death) the thought of the possibility of losing you or of you being needy can send him running for the hills. No, it's not fair, but it is that way, so look to your friends and family and the board for support, and don't set too many expectations for him.
Hi Ellie and all, Last night was pretty good. When I came home I was being sweet & affectionate to h when I saw him. Then I got up to do some stuff and he came into the kit. where I was and asked me how I was feeling and gave me some really long hugs. I first joked and said that I can feel the world turning. He didn't really get it-I was referring to feeling motion sick and as if I can feel EVERY single movement-even the earth. then i said, "truthfully...dizzy, nauseaus, and head-achy, just like every other day..." & I cried a couple tears and that was it.
We made our plan for the evening. My dad called to see if we wanted to go eat fish, so we picked him up and went to dinner, dropped him off and went to a bar to see a band that I used to know one of the guys from. (No, actually a guy I did NOT go out with!) When we got ready H hadn't put on cologne or his wedding ring, and started to play guitar while I finished. I went back to my room and started stewing: he never forgets cologne when he goes out with the guys... (UNG! I do this awful thing-I compare what he does in prep. to go out with the guys vs. me. ie. nice shirt?, shave?, trim beard?, gel hair?, cologne?, rings? and I tally them up. then i ASSume that he cares more about how he looks and smells when he is w/o me and that he doesn't put the same effort into going out with me.) I was filing my nails in these minutes, tried not to look upset. then he put on his cologne and rings and asked if I was ready to go. Phew...
The band was really funny and I introduced H to the singer and they talked band stuff. at dinner my dad & h talked car stuff. I like to see H come out of his shell cuz' he's kinda shy. ok, a lot shy.
I'm still having probs making convo. with him...I ask questions about him, but he doesn't ask much more than "how was work?" and "what do you know?" He's told me in the past that he doesn't think that he's much of a convo-ist and that he doens't care much for small talk. ?? So, then I am afraid that he is bored with me. Like, do he and the guys talk the whole time that they are out together??
+ note: we came home and snuggled. Then this morn. he got up, got ready for work and watched some tv. He then came back to bed and put his head on my chest and was huggy for several minutes. this is an improvement as he usually hugs and kisses me a few times before leaving, but he actually laid down with me today! I feel like we are getting somewhere...it's slow...ok, so I haven't gotten upset with him in 2 weeks and 5 days...pushing a record here??
But, oc, I wondered why we weren't ML! sheesh...will I ever quit with that? I'm sure it will happen today or tomorrow & it's been only 3-4 days!! (It's just how I measure my worth WRONGLY!!) I heard a message that his band practice is cancelled this afternoon and tonight we are going out separately. I plan on continuiing to act "as if," be pleasant (non judgemental/non controlling/non blaming...) and getting along with him. Not worrying about tonight and looking forward to tomorrow.
This afternoon before h left from work he called to tell me that practice was cancelled and asked what I was doing. We asked if either or us had ideas. He suggested going out for ice cream. I told him I was waiting to do him.
He came home and we , fell asleep and again (more of my initiation, but I wanted him!) Then I asked what he was doing for dinner (if he had plans w/friend). He said that he didn't and that we could do something. I clarified that he didn't have to-don't want him to feel obligated. So we got up and went to dinner. He had to stop at the store to get stronger hair gel. He said that we would have time to stop at the local bar that we go to b/c another good band was going to be there & we could have a beer. We went to dinner. H was getting really frustrated with bad drivers and a slow guy with a cart in front of us. (oh well, me thinks.) Then our dinner server sucked (oh well, me thinks again.) H is not a very huffy person, so I just kind of ignore when he gets all frustrated with "stupid people" as he calls them. I say they're not going to change-there is always going to be stupid people. ??
So we go have a drink. He's affectionate. NICE! I thank him for dinner and the good luvins. He says I'm trying to kill him. I'm not really! he leaves to go meet his friend. I come home. My friend probably won't be at the bar until 11ish. I could curl up in bed, but I'm determined to go have a good time w/o him!
He doesn't know if he's racing cars tomorrow, but I plan on walking my doggies since I didn't today like I planned. (They live outside, but they love to get out of the pen.) I have to shop for Halloween stuff too, so if he races I have things to do, if not, he can come with or not. Doesn't matter to me. Guess I feel more secure when things go well. I-yes ME-feel like I could actually use a little space to myself!! what??? who said that??
It's amazing what a little acting as if and biting my tongue can do. It's worth it!! I still feel somewhat critical and mistrusting in my head, but I'm not letting it show. Hopefully, with time, it will go away! Still want to hear ILY...patience...i know...
OK, gonna go out now. I could use a coffee first...zzz... Gonna stay out LATER than him. Daylight savings-may be 3 am!
OK start over. Maybe this will help me be more brief! Thanks for the compliments Pam and Debi.
Sat. night I stayed out later than H. Got home soon after him. He said he was surprised that I stayed out that late. I asked why? He said because it is "not like you." I said, "I would stay out late with you." (feeling snappish-like he's always tired when he is out w/me, but stays out late all the time w/the guys). We exchanged how our nights went and he initiated .
Sunday we went to breakfast w/his parents and went back home and took a nap. Later went to dinner at my cousin's. I was feeling anxious at my cousin's because we were watching a movie on the comedy channel and they were showing ads for the Man Show. H thinks this show is really funny and laughed at the ads. (He also laffed at South Park commercials, and others...) But, the Man Show scares me b/c they make such sexist jokes and have the Juggy Girls on there, and always have hot women on there, etc... Feeling insecure, like I don't measure up.
Later, we get home and there is a message from my mother saying that my grandfather's pool table is available from my uncle b/c he doesn't want it anymore. I get excited and tell h. He says there is no room in the basement because of all the support poles and that he's not moving the track b/c he and his friends have lots of $$ invested in it. I am feeling upset/angry/hurt, but I shut my mouth and we go to bed and read.
This morn. he asked if he had said or done something to piss me off. I told him I felt irritated. He said ok. Pause. I can't remember my exact words but I tell him that I don't feel like I have enough space in the house, that our house is a shambles, etc. He says, you have half of the basement and the spare bedroom, what else do you need? I said a garage space. He's been parking his car in it and the other side is mowers, bikes, grill, etc. I also bring up that he just piled my stuff on top of itself in the basement to get out of his way, breaking some things, w/o even warning me. My space is less than half in the basement-he has the major part w/the track and the band room.
So, he says, "what do we need to do to fix this?" I said, well, I've been meaning to put stuff from the garage into the shed, and to either give the junk in the basement to goodwill or sell it on ebay. I say that we dont' have a digital camera and that I could list at my mom's house. He says he's been thinking about buying a dig. camera b/c he wants to sell stuff too. He mentions that the filing cabinet has been in the garage since we moved in. I say that I have asked him 3 times to help me move it and he said no. He asked when the last time i asked was. I say, well, after being told no, i gave up. I'm kind of jumbling this up since I lost my first post and I'm in a hurry. We talked about sol'ns and paused. I hugged him and said that I'm not mad at him, but at the sitch. He said ok. We hugged goodbye and i told him thanks for understanding and listening. Not much emo. from him.
*I'm feeling upset b/c I feel like once again, his stuff/hobbies/going out with friends are more important than things that pertain to us/the house/our r. He hasn't done anything to the house, but neither have I. It makes me sad to think of where things are and the lack of his ILY's/messages/doing nice things, etc. Essentially, his lack of devotion. I know that things are getting better. So, why am I crying? I just want to feel important to him again. I want to feel like things are moving forward and hear it from him. I guess being at the 3 week mark, I am waiting for the other shoe to fall. Sage, you can relate, no?
**The good things: For me it was a MAJOR 180 to not blame him for not caring about me/caring more about "his" stuff than us, etc. And for not getting extremely emotional during our convo. For him, it was a big change for him to not get defensive and to ask what we need to do to fix it. I guess I wish he were more emo., but I'm sure that will come in time....
Patience and discipline. Thanks for reading, Karen
I've also learned that if I can say what is wrong very directly and within one or two sentences that he can handle it much better and offer some comfort. He is very scarred from the outrages that I have had and gets that stimulus-response to raise the walls as soon as he sees tears. I know in time, he will learn to trust that I won't barrage him. 