Dear Sage, Thank you so much for your words and help and encouragement!!
I cooled off somewhat emotionally yesterday before H came home from work. He didn't have band practice since they just played out. He laid down on the bed, and I was trying to be cool. I told him I'd let him take a nap and I got up, then he pretended to kick me so we got into a tickling match. lo & behold he got turned out and we ML. It was really nice. We went to see Phil Keaggy.
My H is not a christian per se, but he heard how good Phil is and wanted to see him. I enjoyed the worship to it. We went for apps, then went to see a band at a local bar. We had a lot of fun. It was pretty relaxed. A barmaid sang a song with the band and H complimented her. It would be very typical of me to get jealous, and get upset, but I didn't!!! I felt a little pang, but knew it would be a BAD idea to act on it. We came home and H initiated to ML again!!
About the miscommunication/missed expectations...I'm so confused right now-like I want to be ME which is very affectionate, and well, horny. HOWEVER, we've had issues with H feeling pressured, like if he didn't want to be physical, I would get upset... BUT, the main prob. is that he gets turned off when I get upset all the time. So...if we get along, things go well, and he is attracted to me. I got a lot of heat from my C to back off, and then doing a 180 for me was to not initiate ML. I feel better when he does, but, he is the shy one of the two of us, and he likes me to be aggressive, yadda yadda. So, now I'm thinking "isn't it OK if I do initiate some snuggling and ML and not just WAIT for him all the time?" Then, if he seems not interested or neutral to back off and give him space? Kinda like feel him out.
I agree that I should NOT initiate ML just because I am emotional and want assurance-that is like lighting a fuse to my bomb!!! and I'm sure he can feel the "vibes" and he feels used, etc. (He's such a woman ) Just kidding!! I appreciate that he is sensitive and emotional in this way-he's never been one to just go out and "get some."
I feel dissappointed in H at times b/c I tell myself that he's not what I want/that he's not living up to my expectations/that he's not giving me the things that I have asked for. **Just my way of creating emotional distance-by being guarded and hostile. I know...patience and discipline. He knows what I want and what is important to me, it's just that I have nagged so much, and he is DEFINITELY not one to be controlled or "whipped." Sometimes I get mad about this (that he doesn't "do" everything for me that I want him to), but I also have a greater respect for him than I have any other man b/c he stands up to me and does't take my sh!t.
I make so many ASSumptions, and I feel so paranoid!! Mostly b/c my ASSumptions are wrong and irrational!!
Quote: Hon, you are as you are. And that's fine. You don't have to react to what you're feeling right now...do you know what I mean? It sounds like you're feeling a lot of emotions right now and are somehow looking to translate that into action. Here's my best advice I can give you...you don't have to SOLVE anything or BE anything right this minute or tonight. DO NOTHING. Shed the runaway thinking...you can come back to it if you want some other day...but for right now just allow yourself to not try to fix anything or be a certain way. You don't need to find out if h finds you desireable or if you are with the right man or if there's something wrong with your head or ANYTHING today.
Sage, this REALLY hits home! **sniff sniff** Do you think I put too much pressure on myself??? (where's the sarcastic graemlin? ) And him???
gotta run, thanks again! ((sage)) talk to you all soon. Hope all is well! K
Quote: I'm so confused right now-like I want to be ME which is very affectionate, and well, horny. HOWEVER, we've had issues with H feeling pressured, like if he didn't want to be physical, I would get upset... BUT, the main prob. is that he gets turned off when I get upset all the time. So...if we get along, things go well, and he is attracted to me. I got a lot of heat from my C to back off, and then doing a 180 for me was to not initiate ML. I feel better when he does, but, he is the shy one of the two of us, and he likes me to be aggressive, yadda yadda. So, now I'm thinking "isn't it OK if I do initiate some snuggling and ML and not just WAIT for him all the time?" Then, if he seems not interested or neutral to back off and give him space? Kinda like feel him out.
So...from what you've written in this paragraph...the issue isn't whether or not you should initiate or let him...it's YOUR response to what happens when you initiate and he isn't interested (you get upset). In addition, you mention that he's sort of generally turned off if you're upset about other stuff. See the trend here?
You being upset = him not being as interested in sex.
Quote: I feel dissappointed in H at times b/c I tell myself that he's not what I want/that he's not living up to my expectations/that he's not giving me the things that I have asked for. **Just my way of creating emotional distance-by being guarded and hostile. I know...patience and discipline. He knows what I want and what is important to me, it's just that I have nagged so much, and he is DEFINITELY not one to be controlled or "whipped." Sometimes I get mad about this (that he doesn't "do" everything for me that I want him to), but I also have a greater respect for him than I have any other man b/c he stands up to me and does't take my sh!t.
So...K...this is a dangerous game. First off, you describe being disappointed in him because he's not what you want or isn't giving you what you want. That, my friend, is about ASSumption and expectation. And articulating or "vibing" ANY disappointment in h because of this is a m. killer.
Quote: Sage, this REALLY hits home! **sniff sniff** Do you think I put too much pressure on myself??? (where's the sarcastic graemlin? ) And him???
Well...yes and yes.
sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi Gang, I miss you. I would be writing more, but I've been busy, and some things didn't go as planned, blah, blah, blah, schwah, schwah, schwah. Tonight I should be able to write all of you.
I've been thinking about the last stuff that Sage said.
I feel like venting & I am feeling anxious. I know some positive feedback would help. Basically, H is going out tonight and Sat. night. I thought he would be out later last night but he was home at 7. I was planning on doing some of my own things (like go to the library, & pick up "The Bonds that Make Us Free," and post on the bb). But, he called me and said one of my dogs ran away. so I came home to wait for someone to call me to come get her. Someone dropped her off, then I asked H if I could buy him a beer while he accompanied me to get something to eat.
More details later-Just a couple "jokes" that he made (which I must remind myself were just that-JOKES), and the anxiety of him going out. I know I need to continue to pursue doing things on my own, AND saying first that I am going out on a Friday or Saturday.
When I was driving H and me to the restaurant/bar last night, he called his buddy to see if he could go out on Sat. H said that he was "busting out," then his friend made a comment and H laughed and said, "yeah, the great escape..." So, I just tried to brush it off, know that he is kidding and the like, but it did hurt a little.
Later, when we got home, I asked H if he wanted to play a game. He asked what was with me and playing games all of a sudden. I said I just didn't want to sit around watching tv all of the time. he asked what was wrong w/watching tv. I said that it's ok, as long as it is not ALL of the time. So, he agreed to play cards. Then his other buddy calls and asks what he is doing. H says he's playing cards with the ole lady!!! His friend said something and H said, "she's older than me." And they talked some more making plans for tonight. (Wed.) So, I struggle, he's kidding, but I feel degraded by that phrase! I say, "don't call me "ole lady"." he says he doesn't mean anything mean about it and that we had this discussion a few years ago when he worked at another dealership where they frequently used the term ole lady. So I laugh and say i'm just giving him a hard time. AAARGG!
*I guess the underlying probs are these:
I'm insecure thinking that he doesn't want to spend time with me and feels like he is "trapped" in our r. then i get mad in my head and think that if he doesn't want to be with me or put effort into our R, then why is he with me?
I'm jealous b/c he always seems to have fun with his friends, but with me, it feels lame.
I'm feeling dissappointed and impatient b/c I am trying so hard to get along and we have been for what 2 1/2 weeks now, and he's not opening up that much. I guess I need to wait a lot longer.
I just want to hear that he loves me or cares about me. I just want him to put some effort into how we spend our time together. I don't want to feel like I get the scraps.
I feel like a wuss, making my schedule around his all of the time. Why can't I say that I want to do something with my friends? I'm afraid that this will lead him to take me for granted.
Last night I was ready to have a night on my own. Should I have just gone to the lib. anyway w/o him after I got my dog?
I feel like we don't have great convo's b/c we don't have much to talk about. He doesn't like to talk about his job, and I'm afraid I'll bore him if I talk about mine. ___ He was quiet last night, but his shoulders have been sore for several days. First I was afraid that he was mad at me that the dog got away. He sounded irritated on the phone. Oh well, right? So dinner & cards were ok. then we had ice cream and went to bed. (all this ice cream at bed time-you'd think we'd be fat!) I offered to rub his shoulders but he declined. He initiated some snugglings and fell asleep. I read (stayed up too late ) and went to sleep. This morn. when I said good-bye, I didn't ask questions about his going out & I didn't tell him what I was doing. I just said, have a good day and bye.
I'm trying to maintain. I am going to watch a movie at my friend's, but will be home probably 9:30ish. H will be out until 1 or so...Why am I so scared???
Quote: i get mad in my head and think that if he doesn't want to be with me or put effort into our R, then why is he with me?
Believe what they DO, not what they say! You're putting WAY too much importance on what he says to other guys. Can you imagine the response he'd get from most guys if he told the truth? They'd say he was whipped! It's a guy thing, don't let it get to you.
Quote: I'm jealous b/c he always seems to have fun with his friends, but with me, it feels lame
You're right, you need to do some 180's and make things more exciting. The game idea was a good start - did H seem to enjoy it? What else could you do to kick it up a notch?
Quote: I'm trying to maintain. I am going to watch a movie at my friend's, but will be home probably 9:30ish. H will be out until 1 or so
Do NOT - under any circumstances - come home before he does. Period. End of sentence. He needs to think you were out there having more fun than he was if he's going to want to spend more time with you. And if he gets a little worried about what you could be doing, all the better (my H actually told me once it was GOOD that he worried about what I was doing). If you can't think of anything fun to do until 2 in the morning, then just pretend (but realize you have a PROBLEM if you can't have fun until 2 A.M. even though your marriage depends on it!!!!)
And how about some more 180's - the more you do the unexpected, the more intrigued your H will be. New perfume, sexy undies, new bedsheets (just got some 480 thread-count - heaven!!) new sports, fun outings, whatever - change anything you can, no matter how small.
Quote: And how about some more 180's - the more you do the unexpected, the more intrigued your H will be. New perfume, sexy undies, new bedsheets (just got some 480 thread-count - heaven!!) new sports, fun outings, whatever - change anything you can, no matter how small.
I agree!! and I also wouldn't put too much into what H says to the guys, but a casual mention here and there...?
OK, I have scads of sexy underwear! New perfume I would like-just being frugal. I don't want to focus on sex b/c he says that we have to work on the cake before the icing. I always want the icing, then have cake later. ???
I make the majority of the suggestions as to what we do when we go out. I think his reluctance is that I've made many a scene in public places (jealousy, insecurity, taking a joke seriously...). Tomorrow I'll pick up a newspaper and see what bands are playing in the area. We usually have a good time when we do that.
He's not as adventurous or athletic as I am. I want to do MORE. He did bring up vaca. days a month or two ago. Maybe I could find something neat to do that doesn't cost too much and ask him to take a day off. Any suggestions?
Also, I really need help with staying out later! My one friend has kids and goes to bed at 9:30. The library closes at 9, the bookstore closes at 11. Would I go to a bar by myself? We always talk about where we went and what did that day/evening. Would I say I went to a bar by myself or lie and say i was with a friend. I know I need to make more friends to do stuff with.
How do I ask a co-worker: so you like to party?
I may go out with some co-workers saturday and it may be out of my town, so that will involve driving time and getting home later.
I could hang out with my sister & her kids once in a while. It depresses me to spend much time with my mom or h's mom.
**ungh! temper tantrum!
Thanks for the comments about what he said to the "guys." I'm also sure that if he meant what he was saying seriously, that he probably wouldn't say it in front of me!
I had considered going to vball and then out somewhere after, but I feel like crap. My head is spinning. My appt. got changed to tomorrow, so hopefully, I will find something out. I feel like crying about it, but that does me no good. Think I'll get something REALLY easy to make for dinner. And maybe some ice cream.
I forgot to mention that yesterday since I knew H was going out, I didn't want to go home after work, but be elsewhere, ya know? And then go to my friend's house. (stopped by the library and posted.) Well, guess what. He called me at 6:15 and we talked about our days, etc. Then I got off the phone first, but I didn't want him to think that I wasn't recognizing his effort, so earlier in the day my work team went on a field trip to a chocolate factory. No, not related at all, but every quarter, they let us leave at 1 to go do something fun together. So, oc, I bought h some candy and myself a couple. Would you believe that I do NOT love chocolate? So, I put the little box on the counter where he would see it and wrote a note that said, "Hi Hubby, Thanks for the call this evening. Love, your Wife."
He came home earlier than usual. I overheard him say (I wasn't eavesdropping; he was in my car) that he wasn't going to stay out until 3/4 again! So he snuggled me a little and fell asleep. I could not fall asleep and went to the other room. I think I need to take something to help me sleep. I dunno-must be all the otc drugs I'm taking-several a day-Advil Sinus, aspirin, acetaminophen, caffeine, you name it. So, I'm all shaky and jumpy from the psuedophedrine.
Tonight I'm going to come up with 2 or 3 options of things to do tomorrow with h.
Hey there! Reading along your sitch and noticed something...wanted to point it out...it seems that sometimes when he is trying to be close and spend time with you, you push him away. For example, you spoke of being in kitchen cooking and him coming into the kitchen to hang out and talk with you. But then, you suggested he go chill out in the living room, I think... Hmmmmm...... Could you just let him casually spend time with you? Try to enjoy the fact that he likes coming into the kitchen when you are cooking? Often times, it is easier for men to talk when they are in the process of doing something...or when they are with someone who is doing something...ie. you cooking.
Could you try too to go out when he is working on a car and just hang out with him? Turn on a radio, sit outside or in the garage with him, read a book but sit close by to him while he works...bring him a soft drink and snack and suggest he take a five minute break....and just let conversation between you happen?
Hi AKgal, Thanks for the input. The reason I have told him he could chill in the liv. room is b/c of a convo. we had recently. He said that he feels like he can't do his "own thing" when we are at home together. I say, "well, i go into another room, and you follow me." He says this is b/c he thinks there is something wrong with me. SO, that's why I offered that he didn't have to stay in the kitchen with me if he needed to unwind or whatever. But, I think,now that we have had that convo. that when he is in there, I will appreciate it. He used to hug me from behind a lot when i was cooking ! I loved it! i know it will happen again someday...
When he is working on a car/project he is very focused and involved. He has an air about him where I don't feel comfortable talking to him during that time. Bring a drink or snack is a good idea.
The biggest part tho that I think you are talking about is just enjoying CASUAL time with him. I put a lot of focus on how he should entertain me. Or I think we should always be doing exciting things. But, i know what WORKS is when we have nice, pleasant, non-R convo. and get along. What LL is that? I guess it's most closely quality time, no? Well, that's the key to his happiness. He doesn't care to be complimented, and he's not big on gifts...
Things are ok these days. Yesterday I felt sick all day and just went home and cooked a simple meal. He said there was a concert he would like to see on Sunday, and I just smiled, and asked if he was going. He said, "well, I was thinking it could be a group thing with you, me and friend..." so i walked over and gave him a nice hug. But, it's sold out. before he told me about the concert I told him my cousin invited us over. So today, when he told me it was sold out, he asked if I would set something up with her & her bf. Wow!
I went to bed very tired. This morn. I called and left a vm regarding my test results. I said that I was going to send an email to him and other friends who have been concerned. He ended up calling me back while I was at the pharmacy.
Test results: I have chronic sinusitis, I MAY have Meniere's Disease (pray that I DON'T!!!), and I have a BENIGN meningioma that allegedly is NOT causing any of my probs. I am going to see an ENT on the 4th. OK, I'm scared. I didn't want to talk to H b/c I thought I would cry. But I didn't. I told him calmly. He didn't say much-but he had to get back to work. (His job is not one that he can spend time on the phone.) So, I'll cry a little now, but hang in there.
) Just kidding!! I appreciate that he is sensitive and emotional in this way-he's never been one to just go out and "get some." 
) And him??? 
