I find it more than a bit creepy that this is apparently the only thread you post to, with so much projection of your own issues, not to mention statements like, "... if I were in your area I'd talk to him myself", re: WDIDs xOM.
I will provide reality checks to counter your blanket statements and assumptions as much as I care to.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Forgive my way to organize my thoughts, but it helps me. Too many times I see people disregarding what people say and focus on the things they want to hear. I am going to try not to do that:
Things to think about from Karen:
*Am I acting as my H's parent in our relationship? Codependent? MAYBE I AM. H WOULD TAKE THAT ROLE EASILY SINCE HIS PARENTS HAD THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP. THEY ALSO SHELTERED HIM FROM THINGS AS HE GREW UP AND HE TOLD ME HE HATED THAT. JUST BASED UPON THAT I SHOULD PROBABLY TELL HIM.
*Need a MC who specializes in sex issues. YES. WE WILL START WITH BOOKS BECAUSE WE ARE MORE COMFORTABLE WITH THEM AND BECAUSE WE HAVE HAD REALLY BAD EXPERIENCES WITH THERAPISTS, BUT AFTER THAT WE WILL LOOK INTO A MC.
*OM is toxic. Am I over him? I DO KNOW HE IS TOXIC. I WISH HE WOULD JUST LEAVE MY MIND. I AM "OVER" HIM, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF HE WILL EVER LEAVE MY MIND. A PRIEST TOLD ME THAT I WILL FEEL BETTER OVER TIME BUT THAT THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A LITTLE BIT OF GUILT AND THAT IS OK BECAUSE THAT JUST MEANS THAT MY CONSCIENCE IS WORKING. I BELIEVE UNTIL WE HAVE MORE THAN A FRIENDSHIP TOGETHER IT WILL BE VERY HARD TO NOT HAVE THOUGHTS OF THE OM.
Things to think about from Puppy:
*Did I promise H transparency, and/or to let him know if OM ever re-contacted me? I WAS THE ONE THAT MADE MYSELF GIVE HIM TRANSPARENCY. THERE WAS NOTHING EVER "MADE". I KNEW I HAD TO DO THIS IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO END IT. I MADE MYSELF. MY H DID NOT DEMAND IT. SO, I COULD PROBABLY SAFELY SAY THAT MY H MAY EXPECT THAT I WOULD SINCE I DID AT THE BEGINNING.
Things to think about from Kett:
*Am I conflating two unlike things (memories and what OM did) to feel better about not telling my H? HMM. MAYBE. I THINK I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE SENSE AS TO WHY I SHOULD TELL HIM. WITH SO MANY OTHER THINGS I DON'T TELL HIM, WHY THIS?
*Is there a relationship between not wanting to hurt my H with what OM recently did and not wanting to hurt my H by being persistent about not being happy with our sex life? THIS IS VERY INTERESTING. YOU MAY BE ON TO SOMETHING HERE. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN LIKE WALKING A VERY FINE LINE...HOW MUCH DO I TALK ABOUT SEX WITH HIM BECAUSE WHEN I DO IT MAKES SEX WORSE. HE ALSO TOLD ME IT IS BETTER WHEN WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT AS MUCH.
*Am I allowing my H's hurt to trump my hurt? I VERY WELL COULD BE. I MAY BE DOING THIS BECAUSE I AM AFRAID IT WILL MAKE MY HURT EVEN MORE. SO, I'M CHOOSING A LESSER HURT IF THAT MAKES SENSE.
*Am I worried that I am "the person who hurts someone"? YES. I SECOND GUESS EVERYTHING I DO ANYMORE. I FEEL GUILTY EVEN WHEN I DON'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. FOR EXAMPLE I WAS OUT WITH MY FRIEND THE OTHER NIGHT AND GOT HOME LATE AND THE NEXT MORNING I HAD A FEELING IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH LIKE I DID SOMETHING I SHOULDN'T HAVE WHEN OUT WITH MY FRIEND. BUT I DIDN'T. JUST THIS ENORMOUS 'SICK FEELING'. THIS HAPPENS WHEN I WATCH THE NEWS. I RELATE MORE WITH THE 'BAD PEOPLE' AND TAKE ON THEIR GUILT. IT'S STRANGE, I KNOW.
Things to think about from Dancing Queen:
*Am I still feeling that my H never loved me? If so, why? YES. WHEN MY H AND I FIRST GOT MARRIED THESE SEX ISSUES AND LACK OF CLOSENESS SHOWED UP IN THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE. I KEPT FEELING LIKE SOMETHING WAS MISSING, BUT MY LACK OF EXPERIENCE COULDN'T PUT MY FINGER ON IT. I DIDN'T HAVE A H THAT COULDN'T KEEP HIS HANDS OFF OF ME, OR ONE THAT COULDN'T KEEP HIS EYES OFF OF ME NAKED OR NOT.
Things to think about and/or refresh my memory from Allen (as an aside- I've been here a long time, and I think you don't realize that some of what you say is almost insulting to hear because obviously I know it by now. Kinda like if you were telling an adult how babies are made. But, it is probably good to review and if other people like me are reading, and are in early stages, it is probably helpful for them.):
*Review regarding sex- Don't pressure, marriage sex is not like affair sex, going to take time, need to continue to build relationship first, talk about sex more, help make H feel attractive and safe (I KNOW THIS BUT GOOD REVIEW. TALKING ABOUT SEX AND HELPING H FEEL ATTRACTIVE IS A TRICKY ONE BECAUSE ANYTHING LIKE THAT IS LIKE PRESSURE TO HIM)
*Am I gambling with my marriage by not telling him? (THE WORD GAMBLING IMPLIES THAT HE WOULD LEAVE ME OR THAT IT WOULD CAUSE IRREVERSABLE DAMAGE TO OUR MARRIAGE. NEITHER WOULD HAPPEN.)
*What will I do if contact reoccurs? (YEAH, WHERE DOES THIS END. WILL I CONTINUE TO KEEP IT FROM HIM OVER AND OVER? I SAID LAST TIME THAT IF HE CONTACTED ME AGAIN THAT I WOULD HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. AND, HERE WE ARE. IT IS JUST THAT THIS TIME HE SAID SOMETHING LIKE HE COULD TELL I'VE MOVED ON AND SO HE NEEDS TO AS WELL. SEEMED FINAL TO ME. IT'S BEEN OVER 9 MONTHS SINCE THE LAST CONTACT.)
*ARe the affair addiction chemicals still high due to the fact he is close and it is causing continual triggers? MAYBE. WHAT CAN I DO? I CAN'T MOVE. I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH THIS OM. I KNOW THIS. I CAN'T HELP THAT THE THOUGHTS ARE THERE. I STOP THEM AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
*What did I like about myself when I was having affairs? GOOD QUESTION. I LIKED MY SEXUAL OPENESS, HOW I LOOKED, MY SENSE OF HUMOR, HOW INDEPENDENT I WAS, HOW FUN I WAS, HOW LOVING I WAS,...
*Is my H's imagination haunting him now? I DON'T KNOW HONESTLY. HE HASN'T SAID IT IS. EARLY ON HE SAID IT WOULD, THEN AFTER RETROUVAILLE I ASKED HIM AGAIN AND HE SAID IT WASN'T.
*Will the OM ever be "dead" to me? I REALLY DOUBT IT. YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE AWAY A MEMORY. I WAS "SEPARATED" FROM MY H, AND GAVE MYSELF THE 'RIGHT' TO 'GO THERE' WITH MY FEELINGS. IT WASN'T RIGHT, BUT THAT IS WHAT I DID. THE OM IS NOT WHO I WANT TO BE WITH, I KNOW THAT, BUT THE MEMORIES ARE THERE.
*Is my H's lack of sex related to the thoughts of OM or is it the same thing that has been going on for all of our marriage or both? PROBABLY BOTH, BUT MORE WHAT WAS GOING ON BEFORE THE MARRIAGE. WE HAVE NOTHING TO TRY TO "GO BACK TO", NOTHING TO REKINDLE.
*So, do I just continue to "wait it out" as I have been doing for most of our marriage because it will take time to get over the damage of the affair? I GUESS I WILL HAVE TO. WHAT CHOICE DO I HAVE. WE WILL WORK ON IT, BUT WAITING IS WHAT I WILL DO. I'M 38 AND WANTING ANOTHER CHILD. GUESS I WILL LIVE WITH NOT HAVING THAT AS WELL.
- Answers to questions about ssm- We hug (he initiates more than me, actually). We kiss (like friends, but on the lips). We sleep next to each other, but no touching. These haven't changed much from before the affair and now.
*Did I promise H transparency, and/or to let him know if OM ever re-contacted me? I WAS THE ONE THAT MADE MYSELF GIVE HIM TRANSPARENCY. THERE WAS NOTHING EVER "MADE". I KNEW I HAD TO DO THIS IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO END IT. I MADE MYSELF. MY H DID NOT DEMAND IT. SO, I COULD PROBABLY SAFELY SAY THAT MY H MAY EXPECT THAT I WOULD SINCE I DID AT THE BEGINNING.
I'm still confused; you're dissembling. Or is it parsing? I forget.
Regardless of whether HE asked, or YOU offered, did you tell him you'd be transparent with him? Did you promise him that you'd tell him if OM contacted you?
I can't remember if I ever told him outright, but I just did it. I'm starting to lean toward telling him no matter what will happen because of it. Just because of everything everyone is saying and after pondering some things about my H. Advice on how to say this and how much to say? I'm afraid once the dam is broken things will come out that I shouldn't tell him like the OM working 3 blocks away.
*Am I conflating two unlike things (memories and what OM did) to feel better about not telling my H? HMM. MAYBE. I THINK I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE SENSE AS TO WHY I SHOULD TELL HIM. WITH SO MANY OTHER THINGS I DON'T TELL HIM, WHY THIS?
My point exactly. "Oh what a tangled web we weave . . . "
I'm not buying your logic, or your ethics on this, WDID. You're basically saying "I (at least by implication) promised my husband I would be transparent with him. So I promised to tell him "A". But since I don't tell him B, C, D, E, F or G, who am I to really draw the line between "A" and "B thru G"?
So I won't tell him anything. I'm only thinking of him.
Sorry, I call bullshit. I'm not saying you don't genuinely FEEL this, I'm just saying it's not right.
