I hope church brought you some comfort today. I know it does for me.
I think I asked this before, but have you checked into getting the kids into counseling? Generally, a pediatric psycologist will meet with the kids, then the parents, then all together. It's important that your W hear the kids' feelings in a neutral location with a neutral person present. She is living in her own little world and doesn't want to see how hurt her children are. That would mean that her selfish actions had consequences....GASP!
Please, get the boys to C ASAP.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Mishka, this is good advice. I know s10 has met with the school counselor, but not in the type of environment you suggest above. I need to find one, because i dont think W will.
Church was great. I attend one of those large churches where the sermon is also done live on the internet at 6:00pm. Today's gist was that when confronted with a decision, you must make those decisions based on what God would desire you to do. What would glorify him? It resonated so much with me that I was hoping W would attend tonight. She called at 7:00 so I knew she had not attended. I mentioned that she should lsiten or watch it when she had a chance. But, who knows if she will.
I watched it again tonight because it was so good.
But whether she watches or not, it did, as you suggested bring me substantial peace. Part of the sermon mentioned how sometimes we do things that others (including our family and friends) don't understand - he specifically mentioned staying or working on a marriage that appears to be at its end. We know it is the right thing to do. Wow, does that strike home???????? I felt like this was the 4th sermon in a row directed towards me. (or the other 50% of the church population, right??)
Now if I only had one of these per night, I would get by OK. LOL
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
When I was in the thick of the S my church did an entire series on R building and the importantce of standing for your beliefs including standing for M. This was also when Fireproof was HUGE. We did a whole series on that too. It both brough comfort and equal parts frustration. My church isn't a 'mega-church' but it is very large for the area here with lots of multi-media. They use it to some advantage and it works well for us.
Definitely look for that C quickly. You're up north of ATL right? Near GIMA. I'm sure there are some in your area. Make sure to interview them before you set your kids up to see them.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Well, you have some good friends, and I was asked to look in on you. I've only had time to read about 10-12 of your posts on this thread so far, and skim thru about 10 pages of replies, but I really don't think I have anything to add yet that hasn't been said so far.
You have some EXCELLENT posters on your thread -- I mean, some of the best -- and you're getting great advice. I don't believe for a minute that it's a coincidence that you have such strong faith, and that you've attracted some of these folks to give you such good counsel.
I'll try to start following along, and am happy to answer any specific questions you might have. I will tell you this: your boys are blessed to have you as their dad.
PDT, thanks for stopping by. Today has been a very interesting one and really points to your specialty. Unfortunately I uncovered evidence that W is having an EA (maybe PA?) with OM. Now because you never know who will read this, I am not going to say how , from who or in what from I discovered. But it is enough to make me feel comfortable that something very inapprorpiate is going on.
I was not going to mention it today and wait to discuss with L, but she began a fight which ended up morphing into me telling her that I knew she was having the affair. Although she denied the PA, she certainly did not deny the EA. She did say I had no idea what I was talking about etc... Sorry hun, the evidence points the other way. Now it is also interesting to note that the OM is going through a D with his W. It must not be pretty. More on that in a minute.
She then went on to state that she had the divorce papers already drawn up ready for her signature and to file. I was a little shocked by this, but recovered and said she had to to what she ahd to do. I did say that I felt this was not in the best interest of our children and that certainly this was not what God wanted her to do (she claims she is religous but it seems to only extend to those times when it fits her needs)
Now, back to the OM's W. During our fight today I told her that the OM's W desrved to know that he was having an affair. She begged for me not to call and talk to her. I said I wanted her to leave her attorney, stop the filing and begin working on the marriage. That she would also have to provide full transparency regading phones, FB, emails etc.. That I would not play 2nd to anyone. That I deserved better than that.
So, her response was "well if you call OM's W" then everything is off the table. I said OK. I can handle if you do your end. So we shall see what she does.
My guess, she says screw it and she files. At which time I will then have to follow up on my end. So sad. She doesnt seem to realize that she is also potentialy ruining their marriage as well. The OMs W has a S by another M. This will be the child's second divorce what a mess.
Other alternatives include trying to keep me and OM (so I can pay the bills and she can have fun - not an alternative for me) or for her to realize the utter sh^T storm that she is about to create and come back and agree to the above. I wont go down without a fight. But I won't play dirty.
My boys are the most important thing to me. It is my hope that someday they will look at me and respect any decisions that I have made and understand that my goal is to do what would make God happy. Of course, the W has now provided me with enough religous reason to leave, but thats another story.
PDT, what do you think her next move will be? I know that the realization of what happend today will settle in on me soon. Right now, I am feeling very detached from it. Reality won't be pretty. But I just dont want to be choice number 2. And no matter how you slice or dice it, thats how it looks.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
For starters no talking to her for at least 24 hrs, you are angry and nothing good will come of it. Whenever you get bombed - duck and cover - take care of of yourself and your kids.
Next time we tell you that you are getting set up, birdnesting BS, then please listen. You were to worried about upsetting her and what did it get you?
[quote]So, her response was "well if you call OM's W" then everything is off the table./quote]
Don't believe that for a second. She is testing you. Don't take any action right now but know that it is BS. She will respect you when you stand up for yourself. Try to get some sleep, pray, take care of yourself and the kids and check in tomorrow.
Plenty to do later. Right now manage your energy. Act like you are getting ready for a meet. Have a open mind and remember that others here have experience in dealing with this. Ask questions, pay attention and hustle. You can handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks for stopping by my place. I will get caught up on your sitch, so I'll be reading for a bit before I make any significant replies.
Just wanted to let you know I'm here.
First up, tho - even if your W files and moves out, this thing isn't over. Since you've read my sitch, you know that I filed, moved out and we were separated for 2 years before we reconciled.
Second up - I agree with you (as will a lot of people here) that God doesn't want your W to D or leave the family. As deeply as you know that, saying it to her will feel like pressure and control to her. If she hears that from a pastor, a friend, anyone but you, it might go over better but from you it's likely to backfire.
GIMA's a good man. He was a lifeline for me when I first got here so any friend of GIMA's is a friend of mine.
Ok - back to reading!
Dia
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Shell- sorry that you've found yourself in this place. It's good that you are leaning on God for direction and support. It's also good that you are maintaining your integrity in such a tough time.
Stay strong for you and your boys. You have a lot of people here who can really relate. I'll include you and your family in my prayers tonight.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Transparency (and no-contact) is something you ask for when SHE is ready to return to the marriage, and tells you "I'll do whatever it takes," or asks you "What will it take?" You're nowhere near that point yet.
Don't use exposure to OM's wife as a weapon. Either do it or don't (and I generally believe you should -- why should she be the only one of the four of you that doesn't know the truth about what's going on?).
I'm with Coach -- don't do anything for 24 or even 48 or 72 hours. If she asks you "what are you going to do?" (and SHE WILL!), just say "I'm not sure." She deserves no answers right now, and you're not prepared to give any.
If you'd like to discuss what you found, you can find me on Facebook. Just look for the guy who sang "Feel Like Makin' Love" for Bad Company (but without the "d"), and lives by the Jaguars.
