I was about to dissect your post line by line but remembered that somebody does that "work" way better than I do. Of course if you were not so busy climbing the corporate ladder at work, our 15 minute morning chat (that I miss horribly incidentally) would have covered the issues....but I digress. I remember when I was piecing (seems like a lifetime ago) I did not have the thoughts that you are having. I am not sure if that is becasue you saw and read so much of their interactions, or maybe you have not really forgiven him or that I am just an idiot. To me their relationship (my ex and Pedro the doorman) was meaningless....unsustainable if you will. Not sure what the 75% means other than maybe your heart is not into it like it should be....I was probably the other way around (75% heart and 25% mind). So maybe you have things right...the future will tell. I found your reference to the OW as a "threat" to be very disconcerting (sh!t am I dissecting?...). Not sure that your demand (whatever it is) will put an end to that threat in your mind. Not sure what to make of all that...other than to say that you need to have confidence in who you are and what you have to offer and perhaps that threat will dissipate? I never really felt threatened. Another difference is the SEX. Don't want to harp on this one at the risk of having others say it is bullsh!t, BUT....what is the deal with the no sex thing (insert the Jerry Seinfeld nasal voice) :-). No, before you say it, it is not all about sex, but makeup sex has to be some of the best sex around! There are tons of positives in your post K and I am really happy for you (alot of differences in how you feel and how i felt and therefore I hope the outcome is also different). Finally, I really hope your dad's results continue to be positive (or negative / you know what I mean). Un grosso abbraccio affetuosissimo......BIG MATS!!!
Praying for good results for you dad K. Also for your M, of course, but your dad trumps all!
Love, hugs, and lots of Moussaka to you! Sorry, couldn't resist, just read a recipe for a 'light' version of it and am excited to try it out. I LOVE THAT!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Jon, well put!.. I too read your post and wondered if you haven’t forgiven him yet? I went into the renconciliation from the position of already forgiving him (you do have a lot to forgive though hey!). And you should value yourself and not keep assuming she is a threat to you now (I really don’t think she is K, he ended it to come back to YOU and he's been pretty decisive about that now after previously vacilating). I didn’t feel any threat from Helen once he ended it and said he wanted back 10 days later. I too valued the importance of sex and it was a matter of pride even, that we restarted our sexual R as soon as possible!..and I agree with Jon, yes, wow, it was some of the best sex we ever had in those early weeks of reconciliation! I saw it as the glue that would cement us getting back together. Without it… you are just friends.
Perhaps you feel like holding him at arms length a bit still, in all ways, to protect yourself?? Maybe its healthy to make him wait a little, considering? I really feel the worst is over for us now though. And lastly, like Jon..I miss our IM chats too !!!
I really hope the news on your Dad is good news today K. xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I too read your post and wondered if you haven’t forgiven him yet?
Yet? Hmmm, did I ever say I have? Because NO I HAVENT!!!!
My female/woman's self-confidence in relation to him, is very low right now. Last night I saw a dream. I dont see dreams. Not often. Last night it was all about him and Christina and me in the middle. This is something I need to handle on my own but I just realised how bad it has affected me. I feel I am not pretty enough, not stylish enough, not sexy enough... I feel I am not woman enough for him. K
He has been calling A LOT. Talking to me about what he is doing in detail. At a point I thought "somebody tell him to stop, please!!!"
Hahahaha.. ok.. well, maybe you need to work on that! It IS a lot to forgive though, it definetly is so I dont know where you start..but if you want to stay M to him, you are going to have to forgive him sometime!!
I guess I handled it by just very pragmatically taking the position, he had a breakdown, he made a mistake, it wasnt malicious, he said he is sorry and WANTS ME BACK..so, I may as well forgive him. I did pretty quick in fact, maybe too quick! Who knows. I think I was just so grateful that the world had stopped spinning the wrong way on its axis and we were back together. The universe had delivered what I wanted, so I figured I should be gracious and thankful and that included forgiving him and letting it go.
Ha funny, bf started calling several times a day too. Freaky isnt it!?? After all that time apart, once they turn, suddenly they cant leave you alone. I remember when he got upset as I was an hour late home and he was about to ring the hospitals.. I couldnt help being incredulous.. but you didnt even SPEAK to me for 4 months!!! Anything could have happened to me and now you're worried because I am an hour late???
As for you not being attractive enough..WTF!!?? I've seen you and I've seen her picture.. um.. no contest. She looks like a hooker. Gummy!
Oh and stop with that needing to lose a few pounds stuff...you're as tiny as me !!!!
FIB..I'm happy for K, things are looking up, lets not "piss on her strawberries" as we say in the UK. Noone said it wasnt going to be hard time ahead. But allowing yourself to love someone carries risks, just like surgery does, to use your analogy. To open yourself up, let someone into your soul (again) you risk getting hurt, but if you dont take that risk.. you wont get to experience the joy of love either. There are no gaurantees EVER. At some point, you just have to sign the consent form and let yourself be cut open and trust that its gonna be ok and you wont wake up with with your nuts missing instead of your appendix.
Ali....no one is denying Kalni's courage and desire to take a risk and explore whether her husband is HONEST and TRULY desiring to be back with her and STAY monogamous. My issue here is ...your posts are like flipping a light switch on at a surprise party...noisemakers, party poppers, etc.
YOU....WE....do NOT know the content of Kalni's H's heart. SHE NEEDS CAUTION RIGHT NOW and CAREFUL SUPPORT. Her husband has proven NOTHING yet except expressed a desire to be with Kalni. This does not happen overnight. A three year affair does NOT end simply by being caught.
I'm sorry...but I take responsibility here to my friend to balance excessive exuberance. IT IS VERY HARD WORK TO RE-ESTABLISH TRUST. We ALL KNOW that Kalni can do it. NONE OF US can be sure that her H can YET. And everyone is pushing sex. Crap. Does anyone here know if the OW has an STD? Is Kalni's H obligated now, as a sign of faith, to be tested for HPV, chlamydia and HIV? Many of these can be carried in the man and unknowingly transferred. Harsh questions, right Ali??? Who likes to talk about this, right? Well..it's fact.
So, yes Ali..if you call this pissing on her strawberries, label it as you will. I choose to call it ground-based support with cautious optimism for a sunny future.
Kalni....you know the deal. Be careful.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
PS Kalni....I won't piss on your strawberries but I WILL munch on some pistákion and wash them down with a a cold retsina when this is done. S'agapo FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Hey FIB, I know you are from NY and a pretty straight forward guy but I think you may be exagerating a tad with: "And everyone is pushing sex. Crap". I knew I would get that. Incidentally everyone here is not pushing sex. Maybe Ali and I were just comparing the way we felt when we were piecing with what we know is going on in K's case. Maybe adding our version of a little humour. FIB, I agree with most if not all of your posts in some way shape or form; in your latest one I agree with a three year affair not ending overnigth by being caught. I like the caution route as well and have suggested dating to K and taking it slow.
"but I take responsibility here to my friend to balance excessive exuberance"
I am not sure I read "excessive" exhuberance in any of the posts Usually I enjoy your attempts at balancing views...this time it may have been more than the doctor ordered.
Finally, I guess we men on this board (from the newbie to the oldest guy on here) needs to get tested because I guarantee you that 80% of us were cheated on at some point. Not sure THAT is a FACT but your post may be the kick in the you know where to get me to the Dr.'s office.
