Ups and Downs

[Energizer Bunny]

EB - please read this when you can focus again - it really helped me - there are seven pages to the article - read them all through. Hang in there, we're with you!
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce_and_infidelity/love_must_be_tough.aspx

I just got around to this article. I just so happened to have bough this book a few weeks ago. I have mixed thoughts on it. Some god things, some things that realy don't seem to fit my situation, but good to know.

I just read through this, which is the same stuff from the book. It must have hit me at a better time now though. It was good to read.

Thanks Hope.

[Energizer Bunny]

I stopped and picked up takeout dinner on the way home tonight. W was appreciative. She seemed sad though. I didn't think she had any emotions anymore.

I walked over and gave her a quick peck on the cheek and she said thanks. She got more sad and distant through dinner though.

Now she's at the neighbor's house. She's all depressed again. She didn't even come home to tell S good night. She called. (I answered and she told me she was having an emotional night).

S is sad now too. When tucking him in he said he asked her if she was still moving out a couple of weeks ago. She told him yes. He never talks aout this, but is worrying about it now for sure. (I comforted him the best I could)

I feel bad for her, but I'm not forcing her to stay. It's pretty insulting that being with me is so depressing.

I wish she wasn't hurting, but these nights don't freak me out like they used to. I guess I've started to accept that I am a dead man walking.

[Dia]

It's pretty insulting that being with me is so depressing.

Hmmm, are you perhaps taking her depression too personally? Even if that's what she's saying, it's most likely not the case. Depression is much more about what's going on inside a person, including on a biochemical level, than about who they're with.

For a clearer statement - her depression isn't about you.

[Energizer Bunny]

For a clearer statement - her depression isn't about you.

I know that...and you know that...but W? W blames being "trapped" in our marriage as the source for her unhappiness.

That's the insulting part.

I get that it's crap. Sure, I could have been a better partner. I tried hard but made mistakes. I still try hard. It hurts to be told that I am the source of all that is wrong with W.

I wish she would consider the possibility that depression or MLC could be playing a role here.

[Dia]

Ok, so you're stung by the accusation even though you know it isn't true? Yeah, I can see how that would get to a person.

Try your darnedest to let go of it, though. It will help with the resentment I think I'm hearing.

She's goofy right now, and it's not about you. You might need to repeat it a few times when things get rough.

[Energizer Bunny]

W made a point to stick her head in and tell me good night when she came home Monday night. It wasn't too late , maybe 10 o'clock. I didn't get up, just said good night back and went to bed.

I called her yesterday at about lunch time. I told her I called just to see if she was OK since she was obviously having an emotional evening the previous day. She was GREAT today. Over the top happy. WFT? This crap is really getting old. Depressed, giddy, or acting like all is normal. Never dealing with anything.

As it turns out, she went to the neighbor's house (one we are friends with, but not womeone she is overly close to) and the neighbor and her kids left after W was there for only a little while. W stayed at the neighbor's house for hours by herself! That strikes me as so odd! W thanked me for calling to check on her and said she was fine today.

Last night I stayed out until around 9:30. W was chatty asking about my day when I got home. I told her a little, was distand and went to watch TV by myself. After a little while, W said she was going for a walk. This stuff again? At 10 o'clock at night? Whatever. I said "have a nice walk" and went to bed.

I woke up around midnight and she wasn't home yet. Yes...I called her cell to check on her. She said it was such a nice night for a walk (60 degrees here last night). She seemed like all was well with the world again.

This morning she was up when I left for work. I didn't say goodbye so she called me on my drive in to call me out on it.

She seems to be back to the "I don't want to be here but would feel guilty leaving" stage.

I'm so tired of all of this anymore. I have a ton of resentment built up from her actions from this past year. I just want a wife that WANTS me, loves me, and is my partner in life. I don't want her to be with me out of obligation.

[tristan]

I have a ton of resentment built up from her actions from this past year. I just want a wife that WANTS me, loves me, and is my partner in life. I don't want her to be with me out of obligation.

Hi EB. This is bad. I am not saying that it isn't normal or isn't unwarranted, but it is bad for you and your relationship with your W. You need to find a way to get this anger, hurt, & resentment out in a healthy manner. I struggle with this too. For me, talking it over with a friend, excercise (especially stuff with physical contact), and praying help.

As for the depression, she doesn't understand it and projects it onto the people that are closest to her (unfortunately, that is you). I think you feel that you need to fix it; you don't. This is her issue. I would suggest more GAL'ing. However, you don't need to be distant. This is very hard balance to obtain. Have you read the thread on detachment? It is helpful in this concept.

[Butterfly1]

Sorry i've been MIA this weekend - big week for me. Sounds like you're tired of the back and forth. I'm with you. I actually support distance. It's working for me - at least so that H can't affect my emotionas negatively anymore. I also am not obssessing as much on how to win him back.

And grieving. It's hard, but you must do it. Pull back and face the possibility of it ending and then when you are prepared for that you know you can handle anything.

[wanttobebetter]

Hey EB...like H4L says, the distance will probably improve your situation and also how you view everything. It has for me. And it is tough - but tougher then the back and forth you have going on right now?

[Energizer Bunny]

I've tried to just take a break from constantly working on things in my M over the past few days. I haven't spend as much time on here and just made sure to get out of the house, do some things with friends and spend time with my S.

I've really let things kind of go with W.

You're right Tristan. There is a lot of resentment at this point. I don't want someone who treats me like she does. I've begun to accept this.

So...Saturday, after being very roommate-like with W for the past week or so W came over to my Grandma's house (which my cousin and I have been working on for over 2 months)to see me and how things are going over there. That surprized everyone ofer there. I was nice and pleasant, but didn't get all excited and greet her like a puppy dog anymore. She initiated a hug with me before she left.

Than last night, she came into "my" room and watched TV with me for a few hours before sleeping. She even initiated some quick snuggling and kissed me.

She seemed interested in more and I didn't play along.

It felt really nice, but I'm glad that I didn't "put out" believe it or not. What a weird thing for a guy to say.