Cautiously Optimistic

[Done in VA]

How long did you actually take to try and understand his problems?

From the beginning I said I would give the situation 6 months and reevaluate. During those 6 months I did EVERYTHING I possibly could. I worked on me, I DB'd, I acted "as if", we went to marriage counseling, I had a DB coach, I prayed, I read books, I made our home as comfortable as possible.

Maybe other people have longer timeframes. Maybe my love is not unconditional. I just don't care. People always told me I would know when I got to that point & I kept asking how? how? Now I know. I never think about H anymore. The only way I can describe it is that I just don't care.

Ah...I see. Not very long at all.

I want to clarify here that the bomb was dropped back in Jan. I did not go find someone else 4 days after that. I gave this a good 6 months.

You failed to truely understand that this super shitty rollercoaster ride was the only way for him to deal with his past.

Once again, I don't care. It's his super shitty rollercoaster ride now...I've ridden it long enough & I've decided to get off.

What would happen to THEM if God forbid something were to happen to me while I was out trying to be young and free again?

I'm not saying I'm out skydiving while doing acid. I'm just having fun in my life again. I KNOW what I'm doing is chasing temporary highs right now...but guess what, they are better than permanent lows. I look back on my 6 months of trying to fix my marriage & work on myself, and while I liked myself all along, I wasn't ME anymore. I wasn't truly having fun. I laugh and smile all the time now...and it's not based on this new person in my life...it's based on me kicking my miserable H to the curb and refusing to let him suck me into his pathetic misery with him.

Do you know how nice it is to have this new guy tell me that he loves me? That the reason that he loves me is because of my personality, my spunk, the fact that I act like a tough girl on the outside, but underneath I am a super warm & caring person.

Guess what? H told me the reason he was leaving is that he just doesn't "like" me...he doesn't like my whole personality. That's why I could never change bc it wasn't just one aspect that needed to be changed. He didn't like me in general. He told me I was NOT a "warm & fuzzy" person. All the opposite things that someone else who has known me for less than three months can already tell about me!!! I'm not saying new guy is "truly in love". Who knows?! Maybe he thinks he is, maybe he really is...whatever. It is just so ironic that he described in me the very things H said are wrong!

I'm sure what I have said will most likely pisss you off.

I'm not pissed. I just don't want my kids to have to see a completely twisted & unhealthy relationship between their parents. It hurt my heart everytime we would sit as a family & watched tv together & H & I would be at opposite ends of the couch. That's not a loving home. This was not MY choice. I did the best I could with what I had & now it's time to step off. Honestly at this point if H came crawling back on his hands and knees groveling for me to take him back, I would have to say no.