Dear Sage,
Thank you so much for your words and help and encouragement!!

I cooled off somewhat emotionally yesterday before H came home from work. He didn't have band practice since they just played out. He laid down on the bed, and I was trying to be cool. I told him I'd let him take a nap and I got up, then he pretended to kick me so we got into a tickling match. lo & behold he got turned out and we ML. It was really nice. We went to see Phil Keaggy.

My H is not a christian per se, but he heard how good Phil is and wanted to see him. I enjoyed the worship to it. We went for apps, then went to see a band at a local bar. We had a lot of fun. It was pretty relaxed. A barmaid sang a song with the band and H complimented her. It would be very typical of me to get jealous, and get upset, but I didn't!!! I felt a little pang, but knew it would be a BAD idea to act on it. We came home and H initiated to ML again!!

About the miscommunication/missed expectations...I'm so confused right now-like I want to be ME which is very affectionate, and well, horny. HOWEVER, we've had issues with H feeling pressured, like if he didn't want to be physical, I would get upset... BUT, the main prob. is that he gets turned off when I get upset all the time. So...if we get along, things go well, and he is attracted to me. I got a lot of heat from my C to back off, and then doing a 180 for me was to not initiate ML. I feel better when he does, but, he is the shy one of the two of us, and he likes me to be aggressive, yadda yadda. So, now I'm thinking "isn't it OK if I do initiate some snuggling and ML and not just WAIT for him all the time?" Then, if he seems not interested or neutral to back off and give him space? Kinda like feel him out.

I agree that I should NOT initiate ML just because I am emotional and want assurance-that is like lighting a fuse to my bomb!!! and I'm sure he can feel the "vibes" and he feels used, etc. (He's such a woman ) Just kidding!! I appreciate that he is sensitive and emotional in this way-he's never been one to just go out and "get some."

I feel dissappointed in H at times b/c I tell myself that he's not what I want/that he's not living up to my expectations/that he's not giving me the things that I have asked for. **Just my way of creating emotional distance-by being guarded and hostile. I know...patience and discipline. He knows what I want and what is important to me, it's just that I have nagged so much, and he is DEFINITELY not one to be controlled or "whipped." Sometimes I get mad about this (that he doesn't "do" everything for me that I want him to), but I also have a greater respect for him than I have any other man b/c he stands up to me and does't take my sh!t.

I make so many ASSumptions, and I feel so paranoid!! Mostly b/c my ASSumptions are wrong and irrational!!

Quote:

Hon, you are as you are. And that's fine. You don't have to react to what you're feeling right now...do you know what I mean? It sounds like you're feeling a lot of emotions right now and are somehow looking to translate that into action. Here's my best advice I can give you...you don't have to SOLVE anything or BE anything right this minute or tonight. DO NOTHING. Shed the runaway thinking...you can come back to it if you want some other day...but for right now just allow yourself to not try to fix anything or be a certain way. You don't need to find out if h finds you desireable or if you are with the right man or if there's something wrong with your head or ANYTHING today.




Sage, this REALLY hits home! **sniff sniff** Do you think I put too much pressure on myself??? (where's the sarcastic graemlin? ) And him???

gotta run, thanks again! ((sage))
talk to you all soon. Hope all is well!
K