On the DB'ing Wagon!

[sage]

Hi K,

So...you know that you're obsessing. OK, that's good.

I'm sorry that you're having a tough time.

H & I get home late (almost 3) and go to bed. I start to fall asleep, think he is too. Kiss him, roll over. a few min's later he turns the light back on and starts to read saying that now he is wide awake. So I roll on my back facing up and he asks what I am doing. I say nothing. I'm starting to want to cry. I wanted to snuggle or ML and he didn't initiate either. He says he is no longer feeling sick. I say, I was wanting to snuggle. He says we can, that he thought I was passing out, I said not really.

So this to me sounds like sort of a normal miscommunication/missed expectation. You think he's tired and sleepy and wanting to go to bed, he thinks that you are. You are looking for intimacy, he's looking for ?? Don't know. But then all this emotional stuff/expecations/ASSumptions/filtering gets layered on top. You want to cry because YOU want something that he didn't initiate? Sounds like a lot of pressure (on both of you) to me.

So, I feel hurt that he hasn't initiated either all week, and here I run into this other guy that used to feel really passionately about me physically. I'm thinking, what's wrong? why doesn't h feel that way about me? Am I with the wrong guy? surely I could look up other guy and he'd want to be with me.

Wasn't your h sick all week? I'm not sure you can count those days in your tally and yah, you ran into a guy who sounds very physically attracted to you. I promise you that you could find 100 guys in the next 2 months that want to have sex with you...but that's not totally the point, right? I **think** that what you're looking for from h goes beyond just ML, right...though it is one piece of it....

Now, I am really sad and feeling dissappointed in H.

So...I think I get that you're feeling sad...but I'm confused about why your "feeling disappointed in h"....

I don't know what to do. I really would like to have a romantic evening and even kind of seduce him, but I have a bad feeling about the whole thing. I feel really insecure which is a really bad start. I feel like I want some kind of reassurance from me that he wants/desires me. He did not tell me I looked good last night. I feel like my head is really screwed up right now. I know it has not been long enough for H to see changes in me. I cried this week about my head, we had that icky interaction at the bar this week, and the last time I cried before that was the discussion about the truck two sundays ago (and I was very blaming).

So...here's my two cents .. and I think you're coming from this space anyway...you will almost certainly be disapppointed and become even more upset if you initiate with h right now with all of you expectations and ASSumptions. It sounds to me like you're looking to use it as some sort of reassurance and that's a dangerous path right now.

Why not, instead, think up a way to have a fun, relaxed, comfortable evening with h where you BOTH feel good about yourselves? Where he doesn't have to worry that he's letting you down or not living up to your expectations in some way and you don't have to feel as though there's something lacking in you because you don't feel desired by your h right now.

I'm afraid if I initiate, I'll appear clingy. I'm afraid that he is tired of being around me since he has hardly done anything with his friends in the last couple weeks. I'm afraid if I initiate ML that it'll feel like usery. I'm afraid that if I don't initiate cuddling or ML, that he will think I'm not interested.

Ah, K, you're putting yourself between a rock and a hard place...if you initiate you're this, if you don't you're that.

Hon, you are as you are. And that's fine. You don't have to react to what you're feeling right now...do you know what I mean? It sounds like you're feeling a lot of emotions right now and are somehow looking to translate that into action. Here's my best advice I can give you...you don't have to SOLVE anything or BE anything right this minute or tonight. DO NOTHING. Shed the runaway thinking...you can come back to it if you want some other day...but for right now just allow yourself to not try to fix anything or be a certain way. You don't need to find out if h finds you desireable or if you are with the right man or if there's something wrong with your head or ANYTHING today.

Take a deep breath. take a walk or go for a run or figure out some way to release that extra energy. Go see that guitartist with h or see a funny movie or something. Let your h just be who he is tonight and even more importantly...Let YOU just be.

Decide to do nothing...you've outlined a no-win situation for yourself. Don't take the bait!

Sage