Hi, It's me. I'm having a really hard time right now.
Last night the show went fine. Some guy came up to me and asked if i was K, I recognized him immediately as this guy I went out with about 13 years ago (never anything serious). We caught up, he said he is getting a D after 10 years, I told him I've been M for 2 1/2 and pointed out H. H was setting up on stage. Before the guy walked away, he said, "G** d***, you're still gorgeous. And on that, I'm walking away." (Perhaps he likes drama too! )
H & I get home late (almost 3) and go to bed. I start to fall asleep, think he is too. Kiss him, roll over. a few min's later he turns the light back on and starts to read saying that now he is wide awake. So I roll on my back facing up and he asks what I am doing. I say nothing. I'm starting to want to cry. I wanted to snuggle or ML and he didn't initiate either. He says he is no longer feeling sick. I say, I was wanting to snuggle. He says we can, that he thought I was passing out, I said not really.
So, I feel hurt that he hasn't initiated either all week, and here I run into this other guy that used to feel really passionately about me physically. I'm thinking, what's wrong? why doesn't h feel that way about me? Am I with the wrong guy? surely I could look up other guy and he'd want to be with me.
Now, I am really sad and feeling dissappointed in H. i asked what he wanted to do tonight, he says he doesn't know. I say do you want to stay in or go out? he says we could go out. there is a famous guitar player in town tonight and i ask if he would like to go see him. He says that would be alright. I ask if he thinks I am acting funny, he says he hadn't noticed. (I thought maybe him not being warm was an effect of me not being warm.) He was affectionate last night at the show.
I don't know what to do. I really would like to have a romantic evening and even kind of seduce him, but I have a bad feeling about the whole thing. I feel really insecure which is a really bad start. I feel like I want some kind of reassurance from me that he wants/desires me. He did not tell me I looked good last night. I feel like my head is really screwed up right now. I know it has not been long enough for H to see changes in me. I cried this week about my head, we had that icky interaction at the bar this week, and the last time I cried before that was the discussion about the truck two sundays ago (and I was very blaming).
I'm afraid if I initiate, I'll appear clingy. I'm afraid that he is tired of being around me since he has hardly done anything with his friends in the last couple weeks. I'm afraid if I initiate ML that it'll feel like usery. I'm afraid that if I don't initiate cuddling or ML, that he will think I'm not interested.
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