Ok, since I'm confessing everything today, this is the other thing I'm not telling and I was not going to say anything b/c I know that some people will think that this is not the right time but is there ever really is a right time... (hence this is what also prompted me to take a leap of faith in H to give him his key back)...
H and I decided to try to have a baby through fertility treatment. Yes, I know, a big decision. So why now. So, one of the other biggest issues H and I contended with was the whole infertility thing. It also added tons to our problems. And then ow having that child did not help. The thing is I wanted to have a child since before this whole ow thing, and I'm sure that H shared with her what we were going through b/c when he met her, her daughter was a baby and h just loves kids. So a part of his back and forth was that he also questioned, like I did too, maybe we weren't meant to be b/c of the whole infertility thing. And then when ow had the child and all the hurt and resentment I felt lead to H and I becoming more enemies than allies, all to ow's advantage. So, H says that he really does want us to have a family and I really want to have a family too - Gosh, it's been so many yrs of trying but without medical assistance. And I decided that you know what, if worse case scenario H and I do end, and the decision is between being a single woman vs. being a single mother, I chose to be a single mother. I did a lot of thinking about this. And I also feel that I know a 100% my child would have wonderful grandparents, aunts, and uncles from H's family. And I am now 32, I have my own house, which was bought to start a family, and I am pretty successful in my career, so why not. I've put off doing the treatment hoping for things to be perfect between H and I, and you know, the other day I realized that life is never perfect, life is complicated, so waiting for the perfect time will be forever. So, we're giving it a try. I've had this discussion with my family, and I know some will think different, but I'm not doing this to get my H back. If that was the case, we would have done treatment long ago... I'm doing this for me. I need and want my children and who better yet to make them with than my H who I have know for 15 years and with a family that has been waiting for us to have children.
H has been really cool about doing this too... I still can't believe how on board he is. He did all his blood work, signed consents forms and everything. He says he really wants a family too. I think his time living with ow woke him up to know that is not what he wants in a wife/family.
So please, wish me luck and pray that it works, I so want to be able to have a child (or children, maybe twins, never know) to love and care for...
