WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

Just more journaling. My WAW had to pick up our 3 year old on Friday as they lost water so they closed early. I asked if she wanted to join me and the boys for dinner but she quickly declined. I don't know why I asked, probably more out of habit than anything. I got mad at myself for asking. But I then asked her to drop off our son at home. She asked if she could drop off at a parking lot about 3 miles from our home instead. I said sure, but was annoyed. I got there first and she pulled in behind me and called me on my cell to let me know that they were behind me. I got out and got my son. I got him and his stuff out of her car and she didn't even say goodbye to him nor I before pulling out to leave.

My 3 year old was upset that she didn't say goodbye. I comforted him and we went and picked up his brother. We at dinner at home and the kids played. It was good to be home with the boys. I was on edge as I was annoyed with my WAW so I know I snapped at my boys a couple of times. Guess I still need to detach, but I was more annoyed that my 3 year old was upset, than anything.

On Sat we went to NYC to visit my mom and family. I took the boys to the museum of natural history (Night at the Museum was one of their favorite movies). My 7 year old loved seeing the dinosaurs and my 3 year old ran to give the easter island statue a hug when he saw him. It was great.

Sunday we went to Chucky Cheese since it was so cold and rainy out. We had a good time. I was sad going back to NY on Sunday again.

It is a very hard day for me today. Not sure if it's because of how distant/apart I feel from my boys today. I think part of it is that the friends I normally hang out with are not available today so I feeling alone again. Really crappy.

I know I need to just man up and keep moving forward with my life. I was suppose to go buy a couch today for my apt but I'm not motivated to do so. I just want to go back to my apt and sit but know that is not healthy. I really need to go join a gym so I can go run or something. Guess I'll go do that today so I'm somewhat productive.....

Better than sitting in my apartment feeling sorry for myself. I know I shouldn't. I will survive to thrive. This is a bad day.....

I think part of the problem is that I was on edge this weekend with all the crap and I snapped at my boys a few times. My 3 year old doesn't get phased, but I know my 7 year old was really hurt by it a few times. I did try to appologize and let him know I was sorry but I know I need to be a better, stronger man than that.

I know tomorrow will be a better day...