Questions for The DB'ing Pros - Help!

[neversaydie63]

Birthday Coming Up – Now What?

OK, so things are going along OK --- still talking , still seeing each other a few days/eves a week. She is still angry and things come out when she has been drinking but last night we were out and had a nice time and I actually felt a little connection between us. She talked about some fun, old times and we both laughed.

So, her birthday in coming up in a little over a week. I would really like to see if we could go away for a few days. A over night trip, just the two of us. Is this pushing too hard too fast? We have not been together in over 6 months so I don’t want to do anything that would erode any of our forward progress (yes, I think we have made some small steps, all be it small with some missteps, but some progress, none the less) So, my questions to everyone out there is:
1) Should I try to do an overnight trip with her or not?
2) How about a present --- ??? Just a card or something small or nothing?
3) Any other advice for birthday’s celebrations with WAW’s ?

Thanks for everyone input.

NSD

[robx]

W stopped by last eve to drop off the dog, she did not call, just popped by (which is OK, I just need to be very careful not to leave anything out like books I am reading or my journal --- it actually kinda pisses me off a little that she comes by when ever but her place is off limits for me unless I make and appointment. Oh well, it is nice to see her and she did seem pleasant last night, we hugged and kissed a couple of times, I thanked her for dropping off the dog.

It's called setting boundaries,
yes it's scary because it's counter intuitive, you want her back so you think setting a boundary would push her away but you're still at it aren't you, even though she tells you that you must call & make an "appointment" before you go over.

Do the same thing?

Do you think she will get mad?

Good, expect it.

Her flipping you the bird in that previous post of yours, not acceptable. Do you understand why she does this? She doesn't respect you but she forces you to respect her doesn't she and it works. You call before going over, she gets mad at you and you back down and try to explain yourself in many ways while she's talks poorly to you.

Do you see that this is wrong?

How did she set the boundary with you about not going to her place unless you call & set an appointment? Do the same thing with her in the exact same manner. If she called you to let you know about this new rule you do that. If she did this when you popped by unannounced, you do it that way then.

Everything she does right now is a test.
She is testing you to see how far she push you, what she can get away with.

These dinners, are you the one buying everytime?

You can stop that at anytime if that's the case.

If she flips you the bird, this is what you are going to say:
"you know, you did that last time and I didn't want to make an issue of it but I'm not going to be quiet anymore, that is disrespectful of me to do that - am I your enemy or your husband. I won't reward your crappy behavior with my attention anymore, apologize."

You don't yell any of this, you stand straight and square with her, you look her in the eyes and don't avert your gaze, and you say all of this in a firm voice. If she continues, you turn your back while she is talking and walk away and you don't look back.

That is how you set a boundary, that is how you establish the fact that you respect yourself enough to let go of anyone who disrespects you & the relationship they have with you. That is how you have other respect you.

You are afraid that doing so will push her away, you might think so at the beginning but you will actually see the opposite effect. They will apologize, no matter if it's the same day, next day or next week - they will do it - trust me, I promise you this and if they don't, you have your answer as to what kind of person they are and you need to ask yourself why you would be with someone like that.

Just do it!

[neversaydie63]

Hey Robx,

Thanks for that and you are right --- boundaries need to be set and I working on doing that -- I will see her tonight so I am going to lay down some when I am with her.

Its just so difficult being in this state of limbo.

NSD

[neversaydie63]

I am getting some mixed feedback here about being less available and going dark or keep doing what I am doing. So, I guess I am just trying to figure out what I should do next.

Currently we are seeing each other 2 -3 times /week, usually on Friday Nights, Sunday at church and then for dinner after and then maybe a lunch or breakfast during the week if I am not traveling (at this get together, it is usually work related as she does do some graphic design work for my company). The last several weeks, we have done pretty well and really have not had any fights nor have I said anything stupid. I am following the DB techniques as best as I can with being mysterious about my whereabouts, not asking her where she has been, 180’s, working on me, GAL’s, not arguing nor defending, etc. We have had fun and we laugh and she even mentioned some past “Fun and funny” times we had together in the past when we were together last Friday night. It just seems like we cannot move past this step on to the next step about putting our relationship back together. We just are not talking about it and I don’t feel that I should right now. She still seems cold at times and unemotional (I guess I may feel like that to her as well)

Her birthday is today; guess I will get her a card with a small gift certificate in it. She said she and her mother are going to a play tomorrow (this is the first time in 24 years that we are not together for her birthday) she did say, however, that we should go out on Friday to celebrate.

So, some people here have told me to go dark or dim (I actually am a little dim, not calling unless she calls me, not answering the phone right away, not offering any info as to what I am doing when we are not together, etc) but if we don’t talk or go out, if I go really dark or don’t return her phone calls, how are we ever going to get this back on track? How is she going to see the changes I have made in my life?

I don’t know, just feeling kinda stuck right now, maybe I am not being patient enough, I don’t know but as we come into the Holiday season, it is really going to get difficult what with family and friends and going to different peoples house for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years celebrations.

Thanks for listening and all of your wonderful advise.

NSD

[neversaydie63]

come on friends.........any help would be appreciated????

[K4D]

If she wants to spend a Friday birthday with you, I think that is a good thing. She is probably testing the waters with you. Keep positive and reflect yourself a great guy.

Nobody I think is saying don't ever return phone calls. Just delay returning some of them. It keeps her wondering what you are doing in her mind.

The holidays are going to be tough. Accept it. Find a way to enjoy the holidays without her around. Surround yourself with family and friends. Do things you enjoy doing.

Kevin

[Gardener]

So, some people here have told me to go dark or dim (I actually am a little dim, not calling unless she calls me, not answering the phone right away, not offering any info as to what I am doing when we are not together, etc)

This is good.

if I go really dark or don’t return her phone calls,

This is not good

how are we ever going to get this back on track? How is she going to see the changes I have made in my life?

Even if you only saw her once a week or even less, you are being watched. And she will "get reports". I agree with Kevin:she's testing the waters.
Be patient. Remember: marathon, not sprint.
Good luck.

p.s. Holidays will be tough. Inevitably. How tough will be your choice.

[neversaydie63]

Thanks to all for your words of advice --- it really, really helps!

Friday we did go out for her Birthday, actually hooked up with some friends we (together) had not seen for a long time. We were with them for an hour or so.

Then we took off and went to dinner. We had a nice time , some good conversation, nothing serious, just small talk. On the drive back to my house(our house) she commented about how I had really been out and about on the town (we talked about some new places I had been to recently) & how surprised she was that I was staying up late and sleeping in (not really the old me!.)

When we got to the house, she came in for a bit and she asked about a medical form that was laying on the table and I told her I had been to the doctor because I wasn't feeling well and she was shocked that I went, commenting that I would never go on my own. I gave her a card and a present (new Ipod she mentioned that she would like a few weeks back) and she really, really like it and said to me “Wow, you actually listened to me” (about her wanting that particular ipod) – Being listened to is a big one for her! I did asked her if she wanted to stay the night (it was late and we had some wine) and she said she had to go --- I said “OK” – did not push or pressure at all, walk her to her car and kissed her good night.

…sooooooo , all and all I think it was a good date, lots of 180’s and a bonus on the “listening” thing. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked her to stay the night. - Oh well, I am trying but far from perfect!

NSD

[TrentC]

It sounds great, never.

Yeah, asking to stay the night might have been a stretch, but it sounds like it was received well.

[Gardener]

never,
Well, I'm damn near jealous. Sounds like a really good evening.
Prepared for the pullback?