Hello, Please tell me what you make of this: I call H on my way home to let him know that I am done working. We toss around some ideas on what to do, and decide to decide when I get home. I get home, I offer several suggestions: go out to eat, see a movie, play darts or pool, go to the bookstore, get some food and go to the winery. It's too late to go to the winery, he says Tuesdays are bad for darts, he doesn't feel like seein a movie since we watched a few over the weekend. OK, then, what DO you want to do, H??? I say, you shot down my ideas, so what are yours? He says that he didn't shoot down the bookstore or playing pool; let's play pool. OK, where to eat. I make 1 suggestion and he agrees. So we go eat, convo. is ok, not tense or anything. (On the couch earlier we joked about sex and me feeding him ice cream later...) I tell him I have plans with a friend wed. and that he will probably have to fend for himself for dinner. I say that I will call him and let him know what we decide to do (dinner or not).
We go to the bar to play pool and he asks what I want to drink. I say, get me a small beer. He says he doesn't know what I mean. I mean a small draft beer, you know what kinds i like. Then he gets ALL HUFFY, I say, "it's not like you don't know what I like!" and goes off to get beer. So i ask, "why were you getting all pissy?" he says b/c he didn't think it was that difficult of a question. I said that I don't know the inventory of every bar in the areo and that I didn't think it would be that difficult to pick a beer for me. (I don't have a "usual," we just both like dark beer, and some diff. kinds, etc." He says, well that's where we don't agree. I said, "are you mad at me about something else? You don't usually react like this and you're making a big deal out of nothing." He says no, that he's not, it just rubbed him the wrong way. So, I hug him, and don't say anything else. Part. of me wants to cry b/c he like NEVER gets huffy with me like that unless we are in a fight that I started. But, I maintain, and we play. He beats me every game. he asks if I am ready to go home. I say yes, and go sit on the couch. He sat on the couch too and i put my legs across his. No words were spoken. We go to bed and read. I start to try to go to sleep. He finishes and turns off the light. I reach over to kiss him goodnight. He kisses back, but doesn't roll over to hug or snuggle. Eventually I get up and go to sleep in the other room. I went to say good-bye this morn and kissed him, laid there for a couple mins, he didn't try to hug me or anything, so i kissed him again and said goodbye.
Am I wrong for being pissed off at him??? I feel like I am trying like hell to get along and then he pulls this crap??? He never said another word about it, like sorry for over-reacting or SOMETHING!!! I have noticed that when I do become more emotionally stable for a period of time, that some of HIS emo's start coming up. Could it be he's releasing some of his anger towards me? (passive-aggressively?) Is he upset now b/c I am making plans w/o him and not waiting around every minute to be with him?
He seemed so much happier when he spent all that time away, I figured he would like to have more...
So, I am way detached right now. I don't even feel like being affectionate towards him. But, what if he asks what is wrong? If I say I am mad b/c he didn't apologize, then I won't be accepting him & being conditional. If I say, you seem like you need some space, will I sound like a victim?? What I feel like saying is, "let me know when you feel like treating me like a human being again!!" But, I don't think that that would go over too well. (victim again/blaming???) Plus I don't feel like he really cares about what is going on with my head, or at least he is not acting caring and empathetic. (although those characteristics went out the window a LONG time ago...)
Please help! K p.s. I did pray that I would forgive him for acting that way, and that God would soften H's heart towards me.
wonderful that you and h had a chance to go out together! I think I read on your thread that one of your concerns is the time that h socializes without you, right? So, making the most of the times when you ARE together makes good DB sense.
I see a few areas for applying DB techniques to your description below. Let me interject some comments...
Quote: I get home, I offer several suggestions: go out to eat, see a movie, play darts or pool, go to the bookstore, get some food and go to the winery. It's too late to go to the winery, he says Tuesdays are bad for darts, he doesn't feel like seein a movie since we watched a few over the weekend. OK, then, what DO you want to do, H??? I say, you shot down my ideas, so what are yours?
So..you guys were having a brainstorming session about what to do. It's great that you offered up some concrete suggestions and that h felt comfortable enough to tell you how he FELT about some of them. Can you see how your response to him might make him not as likely to tell you how he really feels about stuff in the future? It seems as though you got irked by his response -- am I reading that right?
What if you didn't personalize the fact that he didn't want to do some of the things you suggested?
How do you think you would have responded differently if you had been talking to a friend instead of your h?
Quote: We go to the bar to play pool and he asks what I want to drink. I say, get me a small beer. He says he doesn't know what I mean. I mean a small draft beer, you know what kinds i like. Then he gets ALL HUFFY, I say, "it's not like you don't know what I like!" and goes off to get beer. So i ask, "why were you getting all pissy?" he says b/c he didn't think it was that difficult of a question. I said that I don't know the inventory of every bar in the areo and that I didn't think it would be that difficult to pick a beer for me.
So...I recognize this conversation I think I've had it (or something like it!) with my h!
h graciously offers to get you a drink ( ) and asks what you want
You give an indirect answer (why not? I do it all the time!)
H reacts to that and tells you he doesn't know what you mean (he's likely asking you for a MORE DIRECT answer here!)
You say he gets "huffy" (what does that mean) and then the overlay of emotion and ASSumption begins.
You say it's not that difficult to KNOW what you like. You ask him why he's "pissy". ( )
Hey...I can totally relate to your initial response to him (just get me a small beer!) but what if we looked at it from h's point of view?
What if instead of asking him "why he got all pissy" you told him thanks for the beer and "I'm sorry that got so confusing! I'll try to be more direct next time".
One of the things I've learned in my m. is that h was often uncomfortable making decisions for me (even if I asked him to) because I often made him feel as though he couldn't win.
For example...if h had asked me what I wanted and I told him "just get me a small beer" and he brought back brand X, I might say something like "oh, thanks. Hey did they have brand Y over there?" Indirect message to h that possibly I had wanted something different....
Given your exchange earlier in the evening re. what to DO is it possible that h was feeling a bit gunshy about making decisions?
Or, maybe he could just have been wanting a more direct, definitive answer.
Quote: Am I wrong for being pissed off at him??? I feel like I am trying like hell to get along and then he pulls this crap??? He never said another word about it, like sorry for over-reacting or SOMETHING!!!
Well I don't know if you're wrong to be angry...but does it get you closer to your goal? It seems to me (gently wrapping the 2x4 in cotton) that you both could have done some things differently here...and since YOU are the one in CHARGE of you...well, that's all we can focus on, right?
Quote: I have noticed that when I do become more emotionally stable for a period of time, that some of HIS emo's start coming up. Could it be he's releasing some of his anger towards me? (passive-aggressively?) Is he upset now b/c I am making plans w/o him and not waiting around every minute to be with him?
K -- trying to analyze h's responses to you is a cheeseless tunnel. We've all visited...just don't move in!
What h said was that he disagreed that it wasn't "difficult" to pick a beer for you. I'd leave it at that.
Quote: So, I am way detached right now. I don't even feel like being affectionate towards him. But, what if he asks what is wrong? If I say I am mad b/c he didn't apologize, then I won't be accepting him & being conditional. If I say, you seem like you need some space, will I sound like a victim?? What I feel like saying is, "let me know when you feel like treating me like a human being again!!" But, I don't think that that would go over too well. (victim again/blaming???) Plus I don't feel like he really cares about what is going on with my head, or at least he is not acting caring and empathetic. (although those characteristics went out the window a LONG time ago...)
So....you actually don't sound detached to me...you sound mad which is aok and cool but it's not detached! Detached isn't being angry or distant...it's not getting wrapped up in someone's actions or responses to you.
EVERY one of your possible responses to him (the ones that you itemized) are about HIM
1. I'm mad because YOU didn't apologize 2. YOU seemed like you needed space 3. let me know when YOU are going to treat me like a human again.
If you really feel the need to have a response ready, how could you make that response about K ONLY?
But you know what? My true advice is to dust off the "as if" hat and just move on. I think one of your goals is to create more positive opportunities for the two of you to spend time together, right?
What could you do to get you closer to your goal?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Well, I thought that I was trying to have a good time! I was really surprised to see him act like that.
Ok, I can see how he may be reluctant to get the wrong beer, but imo, he wouldn't have gone wrong if it was something dark or red. ??
We have a history of doing the same old same old: "What do you want to do? I don't know. What do you want to do?" He leaves planning in my court and deciding what to do. Well, I get tired of coming up with the ideas ALL of the time. He doesn't seem to have that much trouble with his friends. And yes, in the past he was afraid of suggesting the "wrong" thing, but for crying out loud, it hasn't been that way in a long time! He keeps holding all of this stuff over my head. So, I started making it a game. If I name 3 restaurants and none of them appeal to him, then he has to name 3 resaurants, etc. And, yes, he was right, he did not shoot down all of my ideas, and that was harsh on my part. I could have said, "ok I understand that you don't feel like seeing a movie..., so that leaves the bookstore and Playing pool..."
He was huffy in that he was looking mad and kind of stormed off to the bar.
Sage says: what if instead of asking him "why he got all pissy" you told him thanks for the beer and "I'm sorry that got so confusing! I'll try to be more direct next time"
Yeah, that sounds a lot nicer, but did he have to act like that?? I feel like my typical response is to accept blame for everything that goes wrong in our M. But, then again, I blame him a lot too. (So, he thinks it's always his fault, I think it's always mine.)
I'm sorry. I guess I'm feeling defensive still.
Sage says: One of the things I've learned in my m. is that h was often uncomfortable making decisions for me (even if I asked him to) because I often made him feel as though he couldn't win. --this is definitely my h, but I feel that things have changed, and how long can he act like that is the case???
Yes, I am mad. No, it won't bring me closer to him. BUt I don't feel like I should grovel!! I always end up begging for forgiveness, etc.
I think the best thing to do is to just let it go and as you said, dust off the "as if" hat. So, I suppose now, HE will be distant from me for a while. Should I apologize for my response to him? I dont' know what will bring us closer right now. Whenever there is an altercation, he wants space and I want to be close. Maybe by tonight it will be blown over. I feel like I am trying, but I continue to be mad at him for not being more supportive over my migraine issues. I feel lonely...
Who ME??? I'm glad you stopped over! Feel free to write anytime. I went to your site.
I know my sitch is different in that my h has not left me, but i know the thought occurs to him and that's definitely what I want to avoid!! I just want to be closer quicker!!! I want the man that he used to be when he was in love with me. I know he loves me, but, I want the mush and gush again!! But, I'll take the snugglin' and ML that i do get!
And yes, in the past he was afraid of suggesting the "wrong" thing, but for crying out loud, it hasn't been that way in a long time! He keeps holding all of this stuff over my head.
You'll have to make changes and be consistent with them for a lot longer than you think you should have to...Also...is he really holding this "over your head"? I didn't actually get that sense. Are you holding it over his? Over your own?
Quote: Yes, I am mad. No, it won't bring me closer to him. BUt I don't feel like I should grovel!! I always end up begging for forgiveness, etc.
Hmmm...could you find a middle ground between doing nothing and grovelling and begging for forgiveness? What about a simple apology for your part of the miscommunication?
Quote: I think the best thing to do is to just let it go and as you said, dust off the "as if" hat. So, I suppose now, HE will be distant from me for a while. Should I apologize for my response to him? I dont' know what will bring us closer right now. Whenever there is an altercation, he wants space and I want to be close.
Well...as above...a simple apology with NO expectations of a return apology or an expected response. then give him the space that he wants.
Quote: Maybe by tonight it will be blown over. I feel like I am trying, but I continue to be mad at him for not being more supportive over my migraine issues. I feel lonely...
K...what if you tried to keep some of your other hurts separate?
In other words...
feeling mad over his lack of interest in your health residual anger over your feeling lonely
Those things are very separate from what happened last night (a miscommunication, some expectations and ASSumptions).
If you DB the small stuff (last night) I think you'll find more energy to address the bigger stuff.
It'll take more patience on your part then you think it should
It'll take longer for him to respond to the changes than you think it should
You'll have to make MORE changes before HE changes than you think you should
AND...most importantly of ALL...your energy is only well spent on the stuff you can control...your behavior. NOT HIS.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I feel like my typical response is to accept blame for everything that goes wrong in our M. But, then again, I blame him a lot too. (So, he thinks it's always his fault, I think it's always mine.)
Oh my! I thought I had the corner market on this!
My trick though was to feel like all altercations were my fault and that it was my responibility to make him happy, then save that away for another time when something unrelated would come up. I would use that in my own head to "justify" why I could now treat him poorly. And he has no idea all of this is going on.
<sigh>
I just hope someday we will get to the point where he can see that these practices are gone from me for good.
Sage, very good points about how I am going to have to make changes for much longer than I should have to, etc.
It helps me to know that others have BEEN THERE!!! It makes it sooooo much easier for me to bite my tongue now know that I can vent here & that there are others who are struggling just as much, if not moreso.
Thanks for visiting me today!!! I'm so glad. I was afraid of what I might do-give him the cold shoulder, ask him if he doesn't want to celebrate sweetest day, etc...???who knows what else i may have thought up...
I called him to let him know that I am eating dinner w/friend. Offered to take him some food home. I know gf doesn't want to be out late. I may stop at bookstore or library. That book H20 recommended sounds good. I have read parts of men are from venus, btw. I was very cheerful and he was at a friend's house and sounded like he was in a decent mood. I played off sleeping in the other room by saying that I had a lot of trouble sleeping. He doesn't need to know how mad I was. (180)
Pardon me but I'm being awfully nosey tonight and poking my nose in on threads I haven't visited before, so take my 2 cents worth with a grain of salt...
Your response last night to your H NOT meeting your expectations (make up, say he's sorry for his moodiness, not responding to your affection etc.) WAS to banish yourself to another room....NOW, what do you think he lay there alone in bed thinking to himself after that? I doubt he was thinking, "Oh how nice of K to let me have this bed all to myself tonight, now I can lay sideways in it for a change." OR..."Gosh, I love it when K shuts down completely on me in order to punish me for my not being in a communicative mood it makes me feel so loving towards her."
Get the picture? Not a very good cycle of reconciliation going on there. Remember the DB $24,000 question..."Is what I'm about to say OR do going to bring me closer OR push me further away from MY GOAL? What do you think your trip to the quest room accomplish?
Time to regroup, chalk last night's faux pas off to learning and rededicate yourself to 'doing something different.'
And while you're busy praying for God to soften your H's heart towards you, ask him to do the same for your heart towards H.
Now please feel free to throw tomatoes at me, but I offer this advice from having "been there, done that" experience. Hugs 2U T2
Quote: I may stop at bookstore or library. That book H20 recommended sounds good.
I cannot recommend the book highly enough. I have read it 3 times. This time with a highlighter. It is a long book and I can only read a section at a time. Not because the concepts are difficult to grasp, just the opposite, they hit home and it take me time to really absorb it all in.
For others who are interested the book is called "The Bonds that Make Us Free" by C. Terry Warner
In a way the premise is a lot like DB.. do what works and START WITH YOURSELF. It talks a lot about the circular patterns we get in. Another concept is that in every interaction we give something and we get something. Sometimes what we are getting is not positive but it serves our need nontheless. The core concept is being honest with yourself. Oh the ways we lie to ourselves!
I think I've had it (or something like it!) with my h! 
) and asks what you want
)
which is aok and cool but it's not detached! 
