Detachment

[25yearsmlc]

Antlers,

am going off the boards for a bit but wanted to encourage you to stay the course. We NEVER know what's in their minds, these WAS's but if she seems resolute, perhaps that should be your path as well. For now.

Yes I do believe love is a choice and if I were M to a man who beat me, I'd stop loving him. I believe to an extent, where the head goes, the heart will follow. We cannot create the alchemy or magic of infatuation or lust and we cannot always overcome someone else's viewpoint that they have created with someone else & torn down from us...but WE can choose. You may have to choose to love your wife in a less painful way....until IF and when she chooses to see the love she has for you in a new light.

If you have conducted yourself with dignity as I believe, she'll know and respect this. And her new man cannot be perfect. If he is, good for her, she found the new Jesus Christ and he's in love with her. Who can compete? But alas, he's only human and has his own frailties and faults like all of us. SOME of his faults will be ones you do NOT have and then at those times, she'll know that she made a trade that is not always profitable, so to speak. She also knows that 2 of those kids are yours biologically AND you treated all the same and that's worth gold to a woman. The kids don't even know what to make of all this either.

One suggestion--Invite the older d as often as you can so the 3 of them can still be together. At least some times. That's also a sign that you still care for the older d and don't see her as merely a piece of a package deal but as a young girl you also love like a father does. Make sure you buy all of them gifts they'd like. Prove to them that no matter who else lives with or around your stbxw, that you are always there for them as well.

As for the law, never ask me to defend an injustice. (Heck, I'm still apologizing for OJ...) I just explain it. And in truth, I never met a man who said he paid too little for his kids. One guy complained to me about paying a fourth of his salary to his ex w for their kids (yes HE cheated and left for OW#3) and I thought, "geez, that leaves YOU with 3/4 of your salary for just you... and that's not enough?"

The state/court does think a parent is supposed to support his kids as best he can, not as he wants (or believes the ex w deserves.) Many paying spouses dislike that the ex's benefit from the child support indirectly, and I see that as simply not focussing on what mostly matters. Surely not what matters to the court. They don't care if somehow the "bad guy" (according to the other spouse), derives benefit from living in a safe neighborhood b/c they live with the kids.......the point is, the KIDS live in a safe neighborhood....know what I mean?

Sure, I get what you are saying but you are inserting fault into the issue of child support and the law separates that in part to spare the kids the turmoil. I mean, should the kids suffer financially b/c of their mother's mistakes? Or their parents disputes eating up legal fees instead of funding their college? Just to be proved "righter"? (Also won't the new man's income count for something? ) Ask your L to explain this more b/c you could become bitter if you don't. I knew a guy who told me he didn't want to share his bonus with his kids...b/c "they don't need it" as if HE "NEEDED" it more...and when he got to court, the judge "frowned" on his self serving reasoning and said, "Your children are by rights, entitled to the fruits of your bounty" and he was quoting a legal dogma from centuries ago. Not a happy judge and not a happy dad...(and not my client either).

Like I said, I'm not defending it. When I explain things to some people they literally tell me off as if I'm representing their stbxw's...or xh's and they cannot distinguish the messenger from the message.

Just try to see that the court's main concern is the stability of the kids. If they can remain in the same home, neighborhood, and schools, so be it. That's a good thing. Does it unfairly benefit a "wrong" spouse? Sometimes it does....and I'm sorry for that.

I hope your income grows and that you continue on your journey of growth personally as well. I see good things for you around the corner Antlers, I really do. Men like you are good catches and when you are ready, that will be manifest. Til then, we'll all hope for the best. And in case, you may want to work on forgiveness b/c without it 2 things will occur. You will not be able to trust ANY woman, and you will still feel a lot of pain in your life, today and tomorrow, until you let go of the unjustice of it all. I mean it. I know lots of couples who are in 2nd marriages and give very little thought to their first w's. My fil is on w#4 and honestly, he's MUCH nicer to this wife than the others. He changed for the better. Why couldn't he do that for my mil, who is now dying? Is that just? He's a self made multimillionaire and she worked 2 jobs over 20 years...No it's not fair. Neither was his 2nd or 3rd M either.


Nor was his childhood fair or good, at all, to tell the truth. We aren't God. We don't know each person's past or inner demons or their struggles.

The more dignified and kind and strong you are, the more happy you seem, (and more happy you ARE) the more your wife MUST wonder what she's leaving. I simply believe that with all my heart and mind. Will she doubt herself so much that she'll come back? Don't know but Will you keep the road home paved and smooth WHILE also moving on? Up to you. But she'll wonder...if you GAL and stay strong and move on, she can always change her mind and chase a bit after you to show you that she's sure she wants back in IF IF it happens.

And if she's not willing to do a bit of work to get you back, why on earth would you want to risk your heart again anyhow? You can choose to love her fully again, if the time comes. For now, move on to protect yourself and love your children as best you can.

(( j ))